What If?

What if you made the wrong decision that affected another person’s life? I mean, really affected that person’s life? What if he really wasn’t the one and he was sentenced to 90 years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit? What if you were one of the ones responsible for that wrong verdict? I have been told (and told others), “It is never a good idea to do the whole ‘what if’ thing.” But still…..it is human nature to question and doubt. In the midst of these kinds of overwhelmingly mixed emotions, it is so easy to gravitate toward food as comfort or distraction. I feel like this week has been the biggest test I have experienced since the beginning of my weight loss journey. I would have never thought of myself as one who ate for comfort. But I know it is true. Actually, I think we all do. But this is my story….not everyone else’s right now. So, yesterday after the final moments in court, I drove into a familiar Zaxby’s. And yes, I ordered the homemade potato chips, extra crispy with light seasoning: all 800 calories of them. I ate about one third of them and was disappointed. They were not extra crispy and they left me without comfort. I realized I didn’t even like them. I couldn’t wait to get the remains out of my car. I continued to drive and drive….and wound up at a place I have recently come to enjoy in downtown Asheville. (I know….big surprise….most of my friends and family know that downtown Asheville is one of my least favored spots.) However, as I parked in the garage and made my way up the street through the doorway to “the place to sip, snack and relax”, it became apparent what truly comforted me. I ordered a chicken salad and a Lavendar Pear Martini. And I sipped, snacked and relaxed. It was good for the soul. It wasn’t the potato chips that successfully comforted. Neither was it the chicken salad or the martini. Rather, the space and atmosphere that surrounded and enveloped me gave me that sense of retreat and calm that I was craving in my chaotic mind. Earlier that morning, in another parking garage…outside the courthouse…I opened my Bible to a familiar passage from Isaiah. It read, “Behold my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen, in whom my soul delights; I have put My Spirit upon Him; He will bring forth justice to the nations. He will not cry aloud or lift up His voice, or make it heard in the streets; a bruised reed (poor and needy) He will not break, and a faintly burning wick (representing someone close to losing faith and hope) He will not quench; He will faithfully bring forth justice. He will not grow faint or be discouraged till He has established justice in the earth; and the coastlands wait for His law.” There is no need in my “what if-ing”. He will establish justice. The Prince of Peace will bring forth and establish justice – His way and in His time. I might as well not cave into false guilt, emotion or doubt. I don’t need to “feed” those negative, harmful enemies. They leave me dissatisfied and hungry every time. I can turn, in faith, once again even if it is just a minute amount of faith and He will not quench my small flicker of a flame of hope. I can trust that He will see me through. What if the Servant of the Most High God redeems even a wrong verdict with His sure justice? Just what if?

Mr. Lamb

When my nephew, Levi, was born I took Mr. Lamb to the hospital. The soft, cuddly stuffed animal that played the tune Jesus Loves Me, quickly became his favored possession. Everywhere Levi went, Mr. Lamb was sure to go. Today he is worn and ragged and not so clung to anymore, but this comfortable “security blanket” has done the job he was meant to do. I thought about Mr. Lamb this morning in terms of my weight issue. Being overweight and gravitating toward certain foods is much like clinging to Mr. Lamb. Webster’s defines comfort this way: to soothe, console or reassure; a feeling of relief or consolation; a state of ease and satisfaction; something that promotes such a state. Anytime Levi was going to spend the night at Grandma and Papa’s it always brought a state of ease or comfort as long as Mr. Lamb went too. Whenever the cuddly animal was left at home, we had to make a u-turn and go back to get him. Being overweight becomes a state in which you feel comfortable. You come to accept yourself as the size you are. You cannot imagine you any other way. My weight had become in part, my security blanket. Eating certain foods brought emotional satisfaction. Without realizing it, I subconsciously turned to certain foods for relief, for comfort. Macaroni and cheese, potato chips, all kinds of yummy breads and CAKE! Homemade pound cake, chocolate cake, Mama Jean’s strawberry cake, cupcakes and the list goes on. Oh! And Krispy Kreme doughnuts called my name especially if the “hot sign” was on. When I would have a good Aloette show or a Bible study would be especially encouraging, I rewarded that sense of accomplishment with a hot, glazed doughnut on the way home. Or if I had a yucky Aloette show or the Bible study left me feeling like nothing I said made sense to anyone, I found comfort in stopping for the doughnut or the McDonald’s French fries.

The comfort I found was a substitute – no, a counterfeit. It masqueraded as relief and satisfaction when in reality it was very deceptive. I ended up obese at potential risk of multiple health problems. The extra weight on my joints produced the first of my health risks. Addicted to an eating lifestyle that was crippling me as well as holding me back from doing some enjoyable things, I finally realized that I needed to make some changes. Yes, I needed to watch what I ate and lose some weight. But more importantly than that, I needed to see that an underlying issue was in looking deeply into why I was overweight. Seeing that I turn to food for comfort instead of seeking the Comforter was a bigger heart issue. At first I had to simply refuse myself the things that I had learned to crave. As I have said before, I had to agree to go into “rehab” and break the habits I had formed. In that process, I also began to acknowledge the unhealthy reasons and motivations for looking to food. Could I exchange the counterfeit of food as comfort for the real Source of comfort and reassurance? Once I saw how ridiculous the counterfeit was, it changed my mind and my heart.

“All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, He brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of His healing comfort…we had hard times….it was so bad we didn’t think we were going to make it. We thought it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally – not a bad idea since He’s the God who raises the dead! And He did it, rescued us from certain doom. And He’ll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-10 – The Message)

Living Life Freely & Lightly

August 28, 2009

Well….August is almost over and I haven’t written here the whole month. I’m sorry. All is well….it has just been a busy month. At the end of July, we celebrated Luke’s 21st birthday. Then I went to the beach for a week with 3 awesome friends. When I returned, we dived in to planning Elizabeth’s birthday celebration. Now, the fall teaching schedule starts with me serving on two round tables and time has just flown past me without my permission. However, I have had some things on my mind.

While at the beach, I decided to continue my workout routine at the local Curves. That is one of the benefits of that particular gym; when you are a member of one, you’re a member of all. One morning one of the girls vacationing with me mentioned how impressive that was that I would do that. I did thank her for her kind words, but then responded, “You know, that is one of our mentalities that is not good. We tend to think when we are on vacation, we should do whatever we want which usually includes indulging ourselves with food that we wouldn’t normally have.” My previous thought pattern has been similar to the one our society has around holidays too. But what I realize is actually happening in me is a new way of thinking….a whole new lifestyle of eating patterns that continue no matter where you are or what season of the year it is. For me, I really have learned to ask myself why I am wanting “this or that”? Am I really hungry? Is this the best choice for me right now? How much is it costing me? Of course, I mean “how many calories is it costing me”? I have started a new motivation to that concept by putting dollar marks in front of the number of calories a particular food is. For example: those infamous Zaxby’s homemade potato chips…they are $800. Now, would it make any sense for me to actually spend $800 on potato chips? Would I really do that? Of course not! That is absurd! So, why would I spend 800 of my 800 calorie a day allowance on them?? I mean, even if I were going to have 1000-1200 calories a day, would it be a wise expense? Not to mention the other questions that now go through my head – “How much protein is there in the chips?” “How long will they satisfy me before my body will need something else…something better for me”? Once I process all that…and it usually doesn’t even take me longer than about a minute, I realize I don’t really even want them anymore. Most likely I never WANTED them….I just CRAVED them…and use to indulge with no thought whatsoever. Remember?? “I was not mindful of what I ate or what it cost me.” It is amazing to me how my heart and mind has really been changed from the inside out on this issue. I am still sticking to between 800-1000 calories a day, with most days being between 800-870. I work out regularly at Curves and progressing daily on each machine, burning an average of 375 calories a workout. I feel great. I have dropped 2-3 full sizes in my clothes. I walk up and down stairs like I am suppose to with one foot in front of the other. While at the beach, we stayed in a third floor condo and I only used the elevator the first night we got there to haul our luggage up. After that, I used the stairs every time we came or went. For Elizabeth’s birthday, she requested that we rent costumes from the flapper era of the 1920’s to wear to the musical Chicago. Had I not lost my weight and dropped these clothes sizes, I could have never done that with her. The reason I am listing all these things is because I realized something significant: these are all things I could not do freely 3 months ago. When I celebrated my birthday in March, I avoided all stairs like the plaque and gravitated to the elevator or moving stairs. I parked as close to the store as I could possibly get and would drive around the parking lot until a close space opened up. When I would get up from my seat at the theatre at the end of a movie and begin to make my way down the stairs, I never put one foot in front of the other….rather I placed my right foot on the step and then the right foot again and so on. I walked like an older person. I never wanted to go on walks. Now, I am searching the internet for local waterfalls to walk to. I want to rent a bicycle to ride. While I don’t “enjoy” working out at Curves, I do feel better after having spent my time there…and feel like I am missing something in my day if I don’t go. Who is this new Cynthia? Where did the other girl go? I am still me, but my mind and heart has been changed in regard to food, health, exercise and you know what is even way cooler than all that? My hope is renewed. My faith is strengthened. My belief in God who cares about everything that concerns me is firmer than ever. The goal is no longer the goal. The number on the scale is not my focus. Living life freely and lightly is my focus. I feel lighter….and I don’t just mean physically. God is so good. He has done this…and I cannot take the credit or glory.

What If The Desired Goal Does Not Happen?

I gained a half a pound this week. Now I know that is not much to speak of….however, that means I did not lose any this week. Uh oh….see…that is not good. So of course, as you can imagine, I started obsessing the “whys” and “hows” of how this could happen. Let me digress a moment from the point of this post to clue some curious ones in to some specifics that I have yet to share in this blog. I started on this journey on May 20, 2009. Since that date, I have lost 26 lbs. I am far from the place the doctor wants to see me get to, but I am well on my way and I have been pleased with the results so far. While it has not been easy, it is working and I encourage anyone to let yourself give in to a program like this for at least 8 weeks and I think you will see a “turn” take place that makes it a bit easier.

However, as I was starting to say….be careful of what your real desired goal is. As I was driving home from my Curves workout today, the question hit me, “What if the desired goal never happens?” I mean, I hate to be so morbid sounding (but since I am morbidly obese still, I guess I can sound morbid. L I know…that was a really bad pun) but several years ago my dear friend, Brenda Briggs joined Weight Watcher’s in an effort to take off quite a few pounds, which she was successful in doing. Less than a year later, she suddenly died of a brain tumor. I often thought, “She did all that work and lost all that weight for nothing. She was going to die an early death anyway. She could have just continued to enjoy her eating habits.” So, although I agree with my doctor that I do need to be very concerned about my health and even give it high priority right now, even that cannot be my goal. I could desire to be a size 10 again so I can try on my wedding dress and actually fit into it, but it better not be my goal. The magic number on the scale that I “should” weigh cannot be my goal. To look great in a size 8 pair of jeans by my 50th birthday would not be a wise goal. To be able to look myself in the mirror naked and hear myself honestly say, “Wow! I really do look not only fabulous, but desirable!” is still not a goal that would be good for me to have. By now, you are probably thinking that I am crazy. I admit, it sounds unnatural, other-worldly or something so unreachable that people might disregard this post altogether. But try to hear me out…these are just some of the things that I think God may have placed in my mind and heart. At best, it is my story….for me….and you can do with it what you want.

Whatever is our “goal” can lure us into a contest that God never meant for us to compete in. If any of the above ideas become my focus, it will cause me to be driven, obsessive, discouraged and will ultimately set me up to fail even if I “win the contest”. In a book I am reading the author said this about dieting: Dieting often backfires by setting us up for a lifetime of yo-yo weight gains and losses.” (Weight of Grace; Paula Neall Coleman) Without addressing the heart issues that lie underneath the weight problem to start with, this “yo-yo” sabotage is sure to happen. I can already see it playing out that way as I obsess over the number on the scale. It would go something like this: I set a goal. Let’s say for example, my goal is to get my weight down to 140 lbs and that my joints would no longer throb and ache. Good, healthy, realistic goal, right? So I set out on this path and make some good head-way (losing 26 pounds) and all of a sudden instead of losing some more this week, I gain a half a pound. On top of that, my right leg’s joints have throbbed a little more than usual. So I think to myself, “Oh my gosh! This is not good! I thought I was supposed to lose at least 2-3 pounds a week! I thought my joints would be healed by now or at best, feeling a lot better than 10 weeks ago! I gotta step up the pace here…I’ve gotta really be more careful about testing the waters with something other than shakes and bars. I gotta make sure I don’t miss going to Curves not for one day. I think I’ll have some sunflower seeds…oops…better just have a handful instead of a quarter of an ounce.” Driven, obsessing all about the contest I have going on with myself. Yet, that certain number on the scale can be so appealing. It draws me in like a magnet. Before I know it, I am trapped in this crazy dieting frenzy. Then, if I do end up reaching the “goal”, I will be driven to keep the goal in place. If I miss the “goal”, I will be discouraged and possibly even give up or be resentful. The whole thing cannot be about “contest”.

Do I really want to lose weight and see my health be at a better place in my latter years? Of course I do. Is that bad? No, I don’t think so at all. By now, I actually believe God Himself has put that desire, commitment and determination in my heart. However, none of that can be my “goal” if I expect to continue living a lifestyle change of making wiser, healthier choices for myself. But what if I give in to the process of looking at my heart issues that are beneath all of my unhealthy way of making choices? Proverbs says, “For as he thinks within himself, so he is.” (Proverbs 23:7) Out of the heart springs forth how we act, respond and behave. Our heart is revealed in and by what we do whether outward or in secret. Remember the first week that I met with Dr. Sarmiento? She said something that exposed my heart; “You are not mindful of what you eat or what it costs you health-wise.” Oh, I remember…it stung like a razor. It cut deep and past the chase and resonated as truth. I was convicted. There was no where to squirm or hide after that exposure. The only wise response was for me to decide what I was going to do with this new revelation. That part of my heart that is not completely yielded perfectly to the reality of my risen identity in Jesus still has some growing and conforming to do. “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son.” (Romans 8:28-29)
If I make “being mindful of what I eat” my “goal” or desired result, it changes the whole dynamic. It motivates me from within instead of from a “try-harder” mentality. When I gain a half a pound (or 10), learning to be mindful can become my friend and lead me to see where I can make a better choice tomorrow. Being mindful can cause me to think on the things that God deems important instead of my superficial insignificances. Being mindful can free me from the vicious trap of focusing on the scale, the figure, the clothes size, etc. Being mindful can be my first step of looking intently at the heart and desiring for it to reflect the glory of Jesus more than the glory of myself. That is a noble goal…and it is a desired result that He will see to it happens! It was His idea, by the way.

Sh-- ....I mean, Life happens!!

Do you realize that we live in a fallen world? One where sin, failure, disappointment, unmet expectations, hurt, stress and frustration actually happens on a daily basis? Even though I am completely aware of this reality, I often am surprised when these things crop into my day, my relationships and my life. You can always tell by the way I respond to these maladies. When my response is, “Oh shit! Can you believe this is happening to me?” I find myself almost wanting to put the bumper sticker “shit happens” on my car. (Not sure it would be a very nice testimony, but it would express how I feel at times.) But you know, really what happens is….LIFE! Life happens. We live in a fallen world where things break and fall apart; financially, relationally, physically, etc. None of us are exempt from it. There is no vaccine to avoid it. Even my surprise that I experience is part of my humanity.

Today I am reminded that we have been created for something bigger….bigger than ourselves, bigger than our realities and bigger than what is happening around me right now. Jesus spoke of it in the gospel of John when He announced His purpose for stooping to our humanity: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10 – ESV) What if we were to express “LIFE HAPPENS!” when we feel like expressing the expletive? What difference would it make in mine and your experiences of daily life if we were to acknowledge that whatever is coming our way today is for a grander purpose than we presently realize?

In my struggle to press on through this difficult and challenging weight loss program, I get side-tracked and distracted mentally and emotionally. I see my glaring issues and the issues of others around me and think about how much I am entitled to this or that. I make the present struggle the main thing, when God’s bigger purpose for which He created me for is the real main thing. When I give in to the enemy’s myriad voices that attempt to lure me, I lose the ability to experience the abundance that Jesus has for me in His Life. He is Life personified….and He is promising that in the midst of all that the thief wants to steal from me, He will give His abundant provision of Life to me. Once again, my focus is off. My perspective needs changing back to the One who gives a true perspective regardless of whatever situation we may find ourselves in. What we are going through is not the end of the world. It may hurt. It may be very painful and difficult. We may think we cannot bear much more or much longer. But the King of the kingdom of which we were created for is in control. He is Life….and He gives Life abundantly. He will see us through….and He will pursue making us into His original, intended design that makes us fit for His kingdom work. I decided sometime today that I really do want to cooperate with what He is doing in the bigger scheme of things. I know that I will have to be reminded of this choice and probably re-affirm it over and over, but that is because I am part of a fallen world where LIFE HAPPENS!

Pressing on through difficulty

I don’t feel very strong today at all. Actually, this whole week has been a difficult one and I’m quite aware of my weakness. I think I come across as someone who is strong and has it all together. One who rarely struggles, but looks like she is always on top of whatever life is handing her. However, this is one week when I could have truly benefitted from someone stronger than me, someone intuitive and courageous enough to come alongside me in my struggle. I know that the Someone I really need is always there for me. His strength is perfected in my weakness, the Scripture says. Yet, today I am not even sensing His comfort. It’s not His fault, because in reality it is there….I am just looking for it elsewhere.

For the first time in the seven weeks I have been on this Weight Loss Program, I am finding myself with feelings of resentment. I walk into my own house and the aroma of the barbeque chicken is amazing. Oh my gosh! I find myself wishing I hadn’t come home. You see, the doctor strongly suggested on Wednesday that I go through another
6-week round of phase one. This means I continue on the 800 calories per day to include protein shakes and bars. Just when I thought I would add a “real meal” to each day, I am encouraged to go another 6 weeks without. I actually agree that it is the best route to take at this time. Therefore, I consented to it. However, the reality of the need for that has sunk in. Thus the resentment; toward myself and toward others who are not on the program with me. Especially the ones who need to be (in my perception) and who claim they are “watching their diet” too. If you are really not interested in doing something about your weight, then at least be honest and say so. Don’t pretend you are, don’t pretend you are losing weight too while eating crazy amounts of calories around me while I am limited to shakes and bars. I want to scream these thoughts to some around me, but of course, I don’t. My surroundings are affecting my resolve, this I admit. I also am honestly resentful of myself and for the years of not being mindful of what and how I eat. I have caused injury to my own health and now I must do something about that. So, I resent the fact that I have had such a cavalier attitude about it until now. I have no one to blame but myself. I can project the blame elsewhere and it is certainly convenient to do that with those closest to me, but it is not the answer. This I realize.

So…where do I go with this? First of all, I recognize the hard facts that it is going to take time, discipline and hard work to get healthy. Secondly, I assume responsibility for that task only upon myself. I cannot expect anyone else to “go the journey” with me. This is a very personal and private journey and I must go it alone. In that respect, others around me do have to eat. (Or so they think they do.) So, I will have to push past the arousing temptations that lure me. Stay focused on my own decision. Stand firm in my own freedom and not give in, no matter how much my cravings and desires tug at me. Direct my attention elsewhere; reading a book, knit on one of my endless unfinished projects, start a new project like the sewing class, study for the Bible study class, go for a walk, go to a movie, call a friend, etc. Even being willing to admit, “This is really, really hard….and emotionally painful.” Learning to let others be where they are while I am where I am is a lifelong lesson. Just when I think I am doing pretty good at this, there seems to be a new season or circumstance to challenge me and grow me further in this practice of grace. I need to remember to give myself some grace too in this. I have failed myself and my Creator and yet His mercy, grace and forgiveness is ever upon me. He has forgiven me, He is forgiving me and He will forgive me. His mercy is new every morning. Great is His faithfulness, even when I have been faithless. I turn now to Him and choose in this moment to allow His comfort to wash over me. “I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward – to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back. So let’s keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision – you’ll see it yet! Now that we’re on the right track, let’s stay on it.”
(Philippians 3:12-16 – The Message)

Unrealistic Expectations

I think it was my second week into the “Rehab program” when I only lost one pound. To me, that was totally unacceptable. Some of my thoughts ran something like this: “No way! I’m not going to change my lifestyle this drastically to only get THIS result! This is not fair.” What I was really saying was, “I expect to lose the same amount every week that I lost the first week. I expect for this to not be so hard. I expect for this to not take so long.” There is nothing wrong with me anticipating results from a changed lifestyle. But I realized a couple of days after my initial disappointment that I was having unrealistic expectations on myself and the program. It was not reasonable or practical to actually think that I would lose my weight overnight. I didn’t put it on that way and it wouldn’t come off that way. I remember the doctor telling me that she was pleased with my progress. To which I quickly responded, “Well, I’m not.” Outwardly I was polite, but inwardly I was really disappointed. My unrealistic expectations were not producing the unreasonable result I anticipated and frankly it ticked me off. In my disappointment, I was tempted to throw in the towel, forget the whole thing and just continue living my life the way I had been living it. I mean, “Who cares really? We all gotta die of something, right?” Thankfully, I saw pretty quickly that my reasoning was out of line. This is some of the very thinking that has kept me overweight for many years. Would I allow my thinking and beliefs concerning this issue to be changed? What difference would it make for me to press on, push past the hard place and choose wisely regardless of how long it took?

Meanwhile, in a different part of my life I had been feeling as though others had unrealistic expectations on me relationally. I felt like I was expected to act out of their understanding of what loyalty is. I felt like I was not allowed to be imperfect or to react out of hurt. It felt as though others had me on a pedestal that I wished to never have been put on. As a result of feeling this way, I thought “No one understands me”; “I am constantly misunderstood”; “They don’t know the real me”. Out of those beliefs about myself and others, I began to retreat. I pulled the blanket around my heart and withdrew to myself and others that I felt did know me and understand me. I was no longer interested in the fight. It was too hard to fight for healthy relationship with some who I perceived didn’t get it. It became easier to just let them be who they were and I would maintain on my own. A form of self-protection; for what I was really saying was, “I’ll protect myself and not get too close so that you cannot have the power to hurt me.” By not expressing to them how I feel and allowing them the opportunity to see me in a deeper way, I remove the possibility for continued close friendship. I miss out on them and they miss out on me.

In much the same way, my unrealistic expectations of the weight loss program seemed parallel to the relational situation. I needed a different perspective on things. It takes time for someone “morbidly obese” to lose a significant amount of weight and fat percentage. In an imperfect world, we must be willing to accept the reality that something worth having will be hard and difficult at times. Our society has placed Barbie on a pedestal and we often think we have to be loyal to our childhood icon. The worse thing I could do to myself at this point of the weight loss program would be to retreat, self-protect and stop fighting. I chose to press on. I did not give into the “voices in my head”. When I reached the fifth week, I didn’t lose any that week and my whole mindset was different by then for having worked through this issue on unrealistic expectations. I approach the final couple of days of the 6-week journey and my resolve is greater now than 4 weeks ago. It is amazing how my mind has been changed on so many different levels concerning all this. As for the self-protecting on the relational situation I mentioned….well….let’s just say, I am working on it. You pray for me, okay?

Writer's Block

I don't understand why I suffer from this from time to time, but I do. There is still much going through my mind in regard to the Weight Loss Rehab program I am on....as well as some other stuff that has come from a recent study of Psalm 119. So, just wanted those of you that are checking the blog regularly to know that I am still here. I hope to write soon. Thanks for your interest, prayers and patience.

Response to a fellow-struggler

*This post is a response to someone who has been reading my blog and wrote to tell me of her own struggles. I thought it would be helpful to share. *

Yeah…the whole “instant gratification” thing is definitely an American society issue….and I have been saying to a few people that I felt like the things God has been showing me (and that I have been blogging) could actually speak into many areas of our life. The three enemies that I mentioned in one of the posts, are three enemies in life in general, not just weight management issues. I will try to speak back to some of what you said. Not because I am trying to help fix you, rather that I love you and want to dialogue about it and hopefully speak some continued truth. We all need truth….the truth will set us free. (Or it will if we embrace it.)

One: You mentioned your middle school son who is addicted to sugar – bless his pea-picking heart. You gotta love the child, and I do!! But really, I would share with him honestly (like maybe you have already done) about the addiction and help him break it now. Don’t do it in a “this is what I say you’re gonna do” way, but more in a way of partnering with him and loving him through it. Does that make sense? Even share your own struggles (with wisdom, cause he don’t need to hear specifics) and make it like you and he are on this “rehab” together. Tell him anything about me…I don’t care what he knows.

Two: The demon that trails you, trails me. Somehow and for some reason, God has protected me from myself, my own desires and when I am “prone to wander” (which is often), He literally yanks me back in like He’s got me on some strong leash. It startles me at times, but I feel protected by Him incredibly. I honestly attribute a lot of that to the time I spend in Galatians and discipling others in Galatians, cause if I did not have that at my center, and if I were not staying actively in the Word, there is no telling what I would have done or do in regard to that “demon”. I HAVE to have constant re-visitation to the Word of Truth and being in position to teach it keeps me in it and accountable….and I require that to keep me on the path. I think that is one BIG thing that is missing in your life and the one thing that could make a huge difference in your struggles. I’m sorry, but the Unity church you attend from time to time does not have the capability to give you that. I think it is something you could do on your own if you were self-motivated in that direction, so I don’t think you have to get it from a church, per se. But a lot of my growth in the gospel has been as a result of being in a rich, gospel community of believers. I wish there was a “Grace Community Church” there near you….where they use Tim Keller’s materials for classes. But I remember you having the entire Galatians stuff I gave you, leader material and all. If somehow, you could find a way to get into it and really process it, I think you would love it and find that it speaks to everything we go through. I would be glad for you and I to have a time where we talk about just that each week. Maybe the summer is a good time to consider it. I’m just sayin’….

Three: Yeah…the message that you are sending to your "friend" saddens me too. I often wonder what messages my independence sends to John. *Sigh* So….I guess the next question is: What are you going to do about it? What will you change in order for him to feel unconditionally loved? What does God need to work into you before you can even honestly send an unconditional love message? What will it take for you to get to a place where you do not NEED those things from him or any man? Desire, yes. Need??? Well, that is another ballpark altogether, right? (Again, I find the answers to these type questions when I am thick in the Word….and Galatians is just a focal point that keeps me hopping all over Scripture for answers.)

Four: Yes, I think anything we “struggle” with is our painful trial. So, the questions I mentioned in yesterday’s blog are questions we must take time to ask, listen, process, repent and turn in faith again to Jesus when He speaks to them. At least, that is what I think….if true freedom and healing from our addictions is truly what we want most. Honestly, if I continue in the same way that I always have and have the audacity to complain about it, but then am not willing to honestly address my issues and do something about it, I am really saying that I don’t want to change. I want everyone else around me to change but I want to continue to do as I want and get what I want. (Oh…we’ve cycled back around to “self-gratification” again, haven’t we??) It reminds me of the guy at the Pool of Bethesda in John 5. Here is a guy who had been invalid for 38 years. He lied near this Pool that was known to have healing waters for a long time. One day Jesus saw him lying there and asked him an interesting question: Do you want to get well? The dude had some excuses (much like you and me):” I have no one to help me. When I try to go in, someone goes ahead of me.” The story doesn’t end there….but you can read it….but my point is that we all have the same opportunity afforded us to “get well”, but we have to want it bad enough to respond in faith to the call of repentance – change. I guess what I might ask you to consider over the summer is: What are 5 things that need to change in your own personal growth and maturity and discipline? I’m not suggesting you “work that up” in your own strength, because chances are when you think of the 5 things or 2 things or whatever, they will be much like my weight loss issue: HARD, IMPOSSIBLE, NOT REALLY THINKING THAT IS ALL THAT OF A BIG DEAL, etc…The things that are linked to the arrogance, self-reliance, pride and personal weakness.
For me, when I first started thinking about the Lap-Band surgery, it wasn’t because I thought I had an incredible weight issue or because I knew there were some underlying other issues. I was going to have the Lap-Band because I needed to “lose a little weight and it would help my joint pain”. So….one of my painful trials was the stupid insurance company’s policies. And look at what God was doing all along. He set me up. But He set me up to free me far beyond what I had the vision to see. He came alongside me at the Pool of Bethesda, and in so many words said: “Do you want to get well?” His idea of “well” had way much more to do with than just my joint pain. See how small-minded we are? How self-deceived we are? Yeah….you got it right, girlfriend! WE NEED A SAVIOR….a Rescue….and we have ONE!!! So why are we so slow to turn to Him?? In Him is the real Need-Meeter for wanting to be desired, enjoyed and affectionately delighted in. He wants you to have an affair with Him, but a life-long one so that when He “props you up by the great jukebox in the heavens” you will be very comfortable in His presence cause you will have already spent so much time there.

Time and Struggle

I’ve been thinking this week about the relationship between time and struggle. I don’t know about you, but when I am struggling my focus seems to go so quickly to “how soon will this be over?” I analyze and try to figure out how to fix the struggle, how to stop the pain and discomfort that usually goes with struggle and I often, if not always, come up frustrated with my failed attempts. I’m a “fixer” and “controller” by nature. It comes so naturally for me and even though I have “died to flesh” spiritually; physically and practically it often doesn’t look like it.

The apostle Peter wrote something startling about this subject: “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice….” (I Pet. 4:12-13a) I know this doesn’t sound like good news…and actually the context here is about suffering because of the name of Christ. That is not often what brings about my sufferings and struggles. Most of the time, I am struggling because of my own sin and self-centered ways. However, I do think we can take something hopeful away from this passage, no matter what our struggle. First, struggles are part of this temporal life. Because of the sin of our forefather, Adam and our subsequent sin, life happens and things break and fall apart. We struggle. I should not be surprised at this reality. It might even be helpful for me to expect it. I’m not talking about being a pessimistic “Eyeore” who looks for negative things around every corner and sulks in self-pity. Rather to realize that suffering and struggles come to all of us and are part of a sinful world that we inhabit. Secondly, we are told to rejoice. “How in the world am I suppose to rejoice when my world is falling apart or when I experience hurt and disappointment and disillusion?” Perhaps this very circumstance that I find myself in today has been tailor-made for me by my Creator. He knows us so well and intimately. He knows what will get our attention and turn our focus to Him. He knows what lies we are currently believing that keep us in bondage when He has freed us and wants us to live free. What difference would it make if I were to ask the following questions of my struggle: “Father, what exactly would You have me rejoice in? What is it that You want me to see and embrace about You in this ordeal? What do You want me to see and acknowledge about myself that needs repentance?” I know from experience that when I hear Him speak back to me out of those type questions, He is faithful to show me things that ultimately I can rejoice in. No, I might never rejoice about the specific struggle and the negative emotions that go with it, but when I can see the bigger picture of what He is doing and what He is wanting to reveal in me, then I have something to rejoice about. In the midst of the struggle, I can say with Job: “Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him.” (Job 13:15 – NIV) Thirdly, I find power in the midst of my struggles when I turn to Him. In 2 Corinthians chapter 4, Paul talks about being “hard-pressed on every side, perplexed, and struck down, always carrying around in our body the death of Jesus” (suffering and struggles). Yet, he also tells why this is so. “..so that His Life may also be revealed in our body…Life is at work in us.” When I cooperate with Life Himself, in my earthen, clay body, I have this all-surpassing power that is from God. I may be hard-pressed on every side, but I am not crushed. I may be perplexed, but I am not in despair. I may even be persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. There is hope in the midst of my greatest struggles. It is a matter of where or Who will I turn.

I choose today, in the midst of my current struggles, to “commit myself to My faithful Creator and continue to do good.” (I Peter 4:19b) He is good, trustworthy and faithful. He adores me and has my best interests at heart. Where else can I go, but to Him?

I've Got Issues!

I’m sure there are many people in my life that would have loved to tell me that I use my “spirituality” to cope. However, I have met someone who apparently has nothing to lose by telling me that. There were two main questions in my Weight Loss homework for this week.

1) List your three most important values (and I was to choose from a list they gave me).
2) List four obstacles that always stand in your way and prevent you from keeping weight off.

Little did I realize what all would come out of answering these two questions. On the first question, my health was certainly not on top priority of values. To which the doctor asked me, “So without your health…or if you are in a hospital because of poor health, how will you be of any value to the three things you listed?” It was a good point she was making. To which, I had nothing to say.

As for the four obstacles, I will share them with you and see if you can relate:

1) Feeling that I am being deprived of what I want
2) Justifying an indulgence and making excuses for doing so
3) Once I plateau, discouragement sets in and I convince myself “this is ridiculous; I’m not going to continue this”
4) Comfort foods to compensate for a loss

So, here I am being honest and transparent with the doctor and nurse (as well as you) and she says to me, “So, you are self-indulgent and you rationalize. You need to continue to delay gratification and even make sacrifices. If you go into a Third World country, there you will find true deprivation, malnutrition and poverty. You live in the ‘land of plenty’ and that is one of the problems of obesity. You are experiencing withdrawal from the food that you have habitually comforted yourself with. This is an addiction and it takes time to break habits and addictions. This is why the 6-week rehab of ‘resting your stomach’”. Yeah….that’s another thing she told me. Much like we need a vacation from our daily stresses and time to rest and allow the mind to rest, so does our stomach need a vacation. So , I am to continue on without indulging in foods I want and crave and give my stomach a vacation. (Have you ever heard of such a thing?) But, I am telling you as I was sitting there, looking her square in the eye, it made so much sense. She brings her chair right up close to me, looks over my homework and then begins to speak very boldly into my life. She is not afraid to do so and is not concerned with hurting my feelings. She is an amazing lady and I respect her. At one point, I gave her the indication that I knew better what I needed. She smiled and never lost eye contact. You know what her smile was asking? “Are you going to let me be the doctor?” And to her smile, I answered, “If that is what you think I need, I will do what you tell me.” You just know when you are in that kind of position to simply bow in submission and say, “Yes ma’am.”

Another thing that was very interesting to me. They asked me to think of what I most crave right now and then tell them how that food relates to my childhood. Do I remember having that often as a child? Did I never get that as a child? Was having that food as a child related to a special memory or occasion that I found enjoyable? So, as I thought about the question, I realized that we never had chips and salty type snacks available to us as children. I asked my Mom to confirm this to me and she said it just was not something they purchased and had in the house. What is happening is that emotionally I want/crave that which I could never have growing up. I want to self-indulge and satisfy that craving now as an adult. I learned at some point to comfort myself with that particular type of food once I could control what I could have.

So as you can probably see, today was another one of those “heavy processing” days for me. I will continue to process and think about these things because I know that it is helpful for me to do so. I went away with the resolve to continue on. Push through the craving and temptation times; continue to delay gratification; remember that it is the children in Africa and other Third World countries that are truly deprived. All of this is such a mental exercise. As Joan of Arc said, “All battles are first won or lost in the mind.” It really makes a difference to have someone who knows what they are talking about to speak boldly into your life. Today I just need to stay focused. Stay on track. Keep peddling. Even though all this sounds like “doing” and “working”, which is so against what I teach about grace and resting, I realize that actually this is cooperating with the truth of what I already know to be true of who I am in Christ. So, I will continue to cooperate and be a participant in this miracle.

Be Careful Little Feet Where You Weigh

So here is the deal today. I am feeling somewhat discouraged. I was at Women's Fitness Gym yesterday showing the Miche purses and while in the restroom couldn't help but notice their scales. You gotta understand that I really do not want the focus to be about the number on the scales, so I promised myself I would only weigh when I go to Dr. Sarmiento's office. But the scale was right there, calling me and so I slipped off my sandals and got on. According to the measurement, it read the same number as what I had weighed last Wednesday. "Hmmm....how can that be," I wondered. Immediately, a wave of discouragement came over me. "See...this is why we avoid the scales between doctor visits," I thought. So then today, I joined Curves. I had been planning on it for over a week and knew that I needed something to motivate my regular exercise. Of course, as part of the joining process, what do they do?? They ask you to place your little feet on the scale. It registered 3 additional pounds. "Ok, what's happening? This is exactly what happens...I follow the program to the letter and get no results?" More discouragement. The other night while doing some of my homework it asked that you list the four obstacles that always stand in my way and prevent me from keeping weight off. One of the main obstacles that I wrote was: Once I plateau, discouragement sets in and I convince myself that this is ridiculous to be doing this. Discouragement is such a mean thing. It's attempt is to try to persuade you from staying on course. I can't let it. I must maintain the courage to press on and not focus on the scales. Tonight I am suppose to make a list from Romans 1-8 about what I learn about the "law". I'm sure as I run to the Bread of Life doing this exercise I will find the encouraging nourishment I need to keep me on the path I am on. I refuse to give in to the voice of discouragement and I need to be careful little feet where I weigh.

Week Two of Rehab

Ok…so I had my first appointment with Dr. Sarmiento and everything, (well, almost everything) went really well. I got a great report, had some great success and one criticism. All in all, I was encouraged and set out for Week Two. But here is the more important news of all: “Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.” (John 3: 20) I know, I know…that sounds so discouraging, huh? Not really what you were wanting to hear, I’m sure. Just as it wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear either. Sorry. (Sort of.) But it is true.

Remember how I told you that I am in the middle of a study of Psalm 119?? The Psalmist is talking about how much He LOVES God’s commands and precepts. Most of you know that I talk a great deal about the value of studying the Scriptures inductively and how much I love to do that. But tonight I’m thinking, “Can I really honestly say I LOVE the commands of God?” I couldn’t, if I were going to be perfectly honest. I like the fact that they are good for me and a protection for me…but LOVE them?? And I realized by the time I got to reading the portion in John, that honestly my fear of exposure keeps me from LOVING his commands enough to rearrange my busy schedule to meditate on them very long. As if this wasn’t convicting enough, somehow my cross-referencing took me to this verse in Job: “I have not departed from the commands of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my daily bread.” (23:12) Yeah, right! Here is a man that is suffering more than any of us can imagine and he says he treasures God’s Word more than his food.

There is something here for me to learn and to choose to believe: I can turn to God and His Word as I go through this time of having my focus shifted from getting my needs met through the use of food. I can learn to love His Word more than my daily bread. I can look to Him to sustain me, to encourage me, to revive me. I can trust Him and His promises. I can consider the ways I have been doing things and turn in repentance to His ways. He urges me to “hasten and not delay in keeping His Word.” (Psalm 119:60) But in order to do any of this, I need Him….I need His rescue…and I need His Light. “But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light…” (John 3:21) The reality is that “men love darkness better than light” and His Spirit wants to change us. When I am believing the dark lie that I am being deprived when I cannot have a slice of pizza today…or a piece of chocolate raspberry cheesecake, then what I need more than those temporal substitutes is to come into the light and see the truth that I am NOT being deprived. I am making good choices as I delay gratification for a better outcome.

How do I sit at Brixx Pizza with my family and watch them enjoy their pizza while I enjoy my nutrition bar? How do I carry on a conversation with my mother and friend at O’Charley’s and sip a cup of tea with my nutrition bar while they have a salad? Was it crazy for me to enjoy the company and conversation with my husband and eldest son at Pomodora’s today? Something at the core of my heart and belief system is being changed and it has absolutely nothing to do with willpower. It is a miracle and I am experiencing it live and in person. I have come into the light….the exposure is there and I am no longer ashamed. I am asking God to give me a love for His Word unlike I have ever had before; to grant me the discipline to leave some other “love interests” to spend more time reading and meditating on it until I treasure it more than my daily bread.
No, this was not exactly all that I thought God would reveal to me when I agreed to join the Weight Loss Rehab program, but He knows best and I trust Him. So, onward we go.

Journaling Through Rehab - Part 2

It has been one full week since I joined the “rehab” program and amazingly, surprisingly I have done very well. I’ve done everything I was suppose to do before going in for my one week accountability session tomorrow. Living on 800 calories a day for a full week has been quite interesting to say the least, especially since it consisted of a steady diet of weight loss shakes, nutrition bars, some cups of tea with artificial sweetener and one diet soda a day. My last night before the first “check-in” and the aroma of homemade Mac & Cheese just about did me in. I began to internally justify that because I had done so well, a few bites – maybe even a small dish- wouldn’t be so bad. I’m not really sure, to tell you the truth, how I actually kept from giving into the temptation. But I managed to keep my focus elsewhere away from the food. I guess that is how I did it, come to think of it: I focused elsewhere.

I am so use to instantly gratifying myself that I normally have whatever I desire at the moment in regard to food. So, if I am out and about running errands or heading up the mountain to teach a class and I want some chips from Zaxby’s, I rarely give much consideration. I simply pull through the drive-thru, order them extra crispy, light seasoning and voila! They fix them right up, collect my money and out the window they hand them to me. I usually even get a nice compliment on my red glasses, red lipstick and red car. Instant self-gratification. I have habitually done this for quite some time, so there is little effort spent on feeling guilty about it. As Dr. Sarmiento accurately said, “You are not mindful of what you eat.” She doesn’t even know me; what is she, psychic?

So today, these are some of the heart issues underlying the food addiction. The act of pleasing or satisfying oneself, especially the gratifying of my own impulses, needs or desires. Continuing to give in to habitual behavior that stems from a faulty and lazy mindset as well as exercising little, if any, discipline. After settling for an overweight body, I convinced myself that I was fine and before I knew it my lifestyle eating choices were being made from a strong lack of discipline. Now I find myself in need of rescue from this addiction, which is why the strict low caloric “drying out” time. Once I am able to eat differently and for different reasons, I can be trusted with more calories and more choices. It would seem like following this program would put an even greater focus on food (or the lack thereof) for me. When I do find my thoughts turning to what I have habitually always done, I have to choose to re-focus those things in my mind. Maturity is often defined as the ability to delay gratification. (Patience) In this particular area of my personal life, I am praying for such maturity of character. I realize that trying to diet, willing myself to eat better, telling myself a constant “no” is not going to last. If I am to experience real change, my mind and heart has to change. There has to be repentance for me on this issue. Then I can confidently expect lasting progress. Before, I handled all this on my own…never even involving God in this area of my life. Now in my “broken state”, I am turning to Him to help me…to do it for me….to show me what I need to see that is keeping me in physical slavery. I am no longer a slave, but a son….so why would I turn back to bondage all over again? This is a divine time for me. It is time. He has promised to be with me on this leg of the journey and I am counting on that promise. As a matter of fact, I sense His presence so greatly, that I joined Him for a walk around the lake at Furman University today. He had the ducks and birds there just for my enjoyment. I’ll let you know the results of my first accountability session in a day or so and we’ll explore more deeply those first three “enemies”: instant self-gratification, bad habits stemming from a faulty, lazy mindset and the lack of discipline.

My name is Cynthia and I am an addict.

Have you ever noticed how faithful God is to get all up in your stuff?? It seems like it will happen when you least expect it or in ways that are not at all what you were searching for.

I’m studying and leading a group through an inductive study of Psalm 119 right now and it is really rich. And per usual, God is all up in my stuff. But really He started meddling around in my heart several months ago. I just thought I would write and tell you about it. As you know, I have been experiencing some discomfort with the right side of my lower body: right knee pain, hip and joint pain and basically creaking around like an old woman any time stairs are involved. I usually have a pretty high tolerance for discomfort, even had all three of my children totally naturally, which some would say was absurd. However, this continual and worsening joint pain had really gotten my attention, so I began the journey of seeing multiple doctors. After two MRI’s, dozen or so X-rays, trial and error anti-inflammatory medications and failure at completing exercises on a regular basis and no real diagnosis, I figured out my own problem. (Of course, a couple of the doctors affirmed this for me but I didn’t really want to hear it from them, so I dismissed their advice until I came to the same conclusion after the fact.) Here is what I came up with: “I think I am a little overweight and maybe if I could lose a few pounds it would help take some stress off my joints.” So, I began to do some research and investigate some options since my past experience with dieting and losing weight has not been very successful. As a matter of fact, some years ago, I settled into the reality that I was who I was and I was okay with me in terms of my size and weight. As Dr. Phil might ask: “So, how’s that working for ya?” Well, honestly, up until this recent joint pain situation, it worked fine for me. But like I said earlier, the constant living with joint pain and approaching the beautiful age of fifty has changed my mind. So, I set off to doing something about my weight for physical reasons and thought I had a pretty healthy attitude about it all. That is, until I met Dr. Cheryl Sarmiento. (She specializes in Bariatrics.) After less than 20 minutes talking to her, she looked me straight in the eye, with a no-nonsense demeanor and said, “You are not mindful of what you eat. Consider yourself in rehab for the next 6 weeks.” She went on to explain the four categories of weight: normal, overweight, obesity and morbid obesity. Now, you have to know me: I KNEW I was overweight. Note the above confession: “I think I am a little overweight and could stand to lose a few pounds.” But as I continued to be educated by Dr. Sarmiento, she showed me that according to the metabolic scale readings, I was actually in the “morbid obesity” category. Trust me, between the stark realities of being morbid obese, not mindful of what I eat and in deep need of rehab, I was feeling quite humbled, to say the least. Slowly and startlingly, I was being made aware that I was more than just a “little overweight”. Part of what went through my mind was, “How did I get here?” “I can’t do this program she is describing to me.” “What if I don’t like the way it tastes?” “Screw this whole thing: I’m going home and continuing to live my life the way I have been living it.” But somewhere between the time of her leaving the examining room and leading me in to talk with Dana, the Weight Loss Consultant, everything about this visit turned from physical to spiritual. Just a few weeks ago I had been really struggling with some concerns for a family member’s alcohol use. During those weeks of inner turmoil and wanting to “fix” his problem as I perceived it, I distinctly sensed the Holy Spirit say to me, “Cynthia, your weight issue is no different. You have the same problem.” Now today, in Dr. Sarmiento’s office, I heard essentially the same thing.

I have come to realize a couple of things about how God deals with me “bountifully” (Psalm 119:17) One way is that He never lets me stay too long trying to judge and fix another’s sin, without showing me my own. Secondly, He is always faithful to show up, invade my heart and expose the underlying issue that is keeping me from experiencing the abundant Life presently. Before my doctor’s visit, my joint pain was the issue. After the visit, my addiction with food was the real issue that needed to be dealt with. Of course, underneath the food addiction is a greater problem that has to do with the spiritual and I will talk more about that in my next letter. When I write again, I’ll talk about how God has faithfully made His way into my business by getting all into my stuff…and what He is showing me as I feed on His Word to replace feeding on things that are not good for me; body, soul or spirit. All of this is related…and I am on a journey as I did agree to join the “rehab program”. Stay tuned for more as I process all this. I plan to journal my way through it in my blog and hopefully it will help someone else with whatever addictions they may have.

Living From Who We Are

Last night was our last lecture class for Galatians. (Always bittersweet for me.) To begin the lesson, I had them start back at the first of the letter and begin looking for descriptions of our status as children of God. We started with "rescued"...and went from there....and came up with an incredibly hopeful list of who we are in Christ. All of these things we had seen over the past 13 weeks. (You should try doing the exercise.) Anyway, the reason I had them do that, is because I wanted that list to be the "backdrop" for everything else we talked about the rest of the night. Because at some point in the lesson, Keller makes this statement: "When we obey God out of grateful joy that comes from A HIGH CONSCIOUSNESS OF OUR STATUS AS CHILDREN OF GOD...when we do that, the idols which controlled our lives are disempowered and we are free to live for God." So, what I did was to first focus on what it is that can be so powerful that it can cause my idols to be disempowered and is so powerful that it brings true freedom that allows me to live for God which is what I desire most....and what I have highlighted above is the central thing. Our status as children of God. Constantly being reminded of that reality and choosing to live from that position! In every single area where you are struggling right now, I encourage you to "preach the gospel to yourself"....reminding yourself of your status as a child of God (especially as defined in the book of Galatians and Ephesians) and live your life today FROM that position. Don't live it from your feelings, your wrong desires, your rebellious nature....rather fight against those things and hold onto the truth and the hope of the gospel. Remember what John the Baptist preached? "Repent and Believe". That is our sermon for today and everyday: Repent and believe!

With Unveiled Faces

Going to the Western Wall (or as some call it, the Wailing Wall) was quite an experience. The west wall of the Temple Mount in Jerusalem is said to be what was left of Solomon’s original Temple after its destruction.

Men, women and children from all religious backgrounds are drawn to this most sacred shrine in Judaism. Many believe there is something magical in coming here. Some report that they experience the presence of God while touching these ancient ruins. Thousands of prayers are written on small pieces of paper, folded carefully and placed into the cracks of the walls. While the men gather on one side and the women on the other, many ritualistic traditions are still practiced. Three times a day the Jewish people pray and they do so with phylacteries tied around their forehead while covered in prayer shawls. It is believed that the Divine Presence never leaves this place and ever since the Holy of Holies was destroyed, the idea of Divine Presence has become associated with the Wailing Wall.

While the experience was somewhat overwhelming, I felt no special Presence or that God had heard me any differently than when I pray in my car. While many believe that the Western Wall is the “shortest route to God’s ear”, I found myself questioning it all. “Is this an implication that if you really want to feel a ‘special holiness’, this sensitivity is most pronounced at the Wall?” “Am I not the temple of the Holy Spirit?” “Hasn’t Jesus’ sacrifice paved the way for me to approach God’s throne of grace boldly and with confidence?” “Am I missing something by not doing it the ‘right way’?”

As these dear people wailed at the remembrance of the wreckage of the original Temple, I stood there thrilled at its destruction. I understood the Scriptures from the New Covenant to say that without disrupting the first temple, this new way of relating to God would not be possible. Jesus is our access to the Most Holy Place, not an ancient wall. Instead of placing a folded, written prayer in one of the cracks, I found myself praying for their veiled, deceptive hearts to be set free. Yet, it felt terribly disrespectful as I walked forward in gratitude and freedom, while the woman next to me walked in reverse, her veil still covering her heart as well as her head.

“But when anyone turns to the Lord (and not a wall), the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into His image with ever increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” (2 Cor. 3:16-18; emphasis added)
So as we gaze at and contemplate Jesus, the more the Spirit shows us His glory. We are being transformed into the likeness of what we see, like beholding something in a mirror. As we focus on the beauty of Christ and His acceptance of us, we experience freedom and it liberates us to grow in love, joy, peace and self-control. This natural growth resonates more with my spirit than the mechanical peering at a wall hoping for a Presence that is already ours

Driven to Dependence

What if, on some level, the thing I don’t want to believe about myself is true?

That’s a scary thought, huh? But work with me here and let’s talk this out.

What are some things that I believe people may think about me? Or what are some ways I feel others treat me that imply they may be thinking a certain way about me? Perhaps, I even have some negative thoughts of myself. What are they?

“I’m a failure.”
“I’m controlling.”
“I’m being self-protective.”
“I’m arrogant and prideful.”
“I disrespect others.”
“I have a drinking problem.”

The list goes on and on. You could probably add some others to this list. The purpose at looking honestly at these thoughts is to experience freedom to whatever degree that we are currently NOT free. I propose that when we defensively attempt to wiggle out of addressing underlying issues, we are not free in that area. We may know freedom in other areas, we may be excellent teachers of freedom to others, but in whatever way we are believing in and acting out of a lie, we are in bondage. So, just know that my ultimate goal in processing through these thoughts is to guide us to a deeper level of freedom than we may currently know.

Usually when someone accuses me (either overtly or covertly) of something, my first instinct is to become defensive and attempt to disprove them. The measures I may use to go about this can be quite elaborate. I may expose some flaw in them so as to take the focus off myself. I may sarcastically agree only to shut them up. I may play the part of a victim. Sometimes, I jump right to the speculation and begin to lecture and defend why I am behaving the way I am. But the last thing I even think to do, is to own the accusation. It doesn’t even occur to me to simply agree, “You know, you are right…I have failed you in this way.” Or, “I can see that I am choosing to be quite self-protective at this time in my life.” Rather, my outburst usually goes something like this: “You’re damn right I have to self-protect…after all the ways you have hurt me and disregarded my heart and not heard me time after time. You would self-protect too! And after all, I have every right to be where I am and if you don’t like it, you can get over it! I am through with caring so much about everyone else at the expense of myself! If anyone is going to protect and take care of me, it will have to be myself!”

Whoa! Who licked the candy off her apple?? And out comes an outburst of defensive explanations, blame-shifting, attempts to control the other person all in an effort to release inner hurt and pain. But what if I were to decide to take an entirely different approach? What if, I agreed with what someone was saying about me and owned it? What if there were a grain of truth in the accusation, even if only a small one? If I could admit that “grain” and begin to address it with truth, I could take control of the only person I really have control over to start with. Let’s look at one of the “beliefs” and walk it out to see what it would look like to agree with it.

“I can see where I am being quite self-protective at this time in my life.” Answering some questions can begin to penetrate through our defense mechanisms and get to the heart of the matter.

“What are you trying to protect?”
“What has hurt you in the past that leaves you feeling a need to be self-protective?”
“What are you afraid of?” “What is your fear?”
“What are you truly wishing for deep inside?”
“What is your true heart’s desire?”
“Have you closed your heart off to desire?”
“Are you cynical that nothing will ever be different?”

Depending on how you answer the questions, can reveal what you are really believing in relation to yourself at the core of your identity. Now, what does God say about you? Who is He to you? What has He done for you, in you and on your behalf? Who has He made you to be, in spite of what you do or how you cope with life or deal with pain and disappointment? Where is your focus? Do you see yourself through God’s lenses? Or through others’ and your own? After answering some of the above questions in italics, it is helpful to answer some more questions. Such as: If I am trying to protect my heart from getting hurt again by putting up a cold wall to those around me, the Spirit may whisper to my soul, “Cynthia, whose job is it to protect you?” If I am thinking straight I will answer, “Yours, Lord.” This is not an attempt to be super-spiritual, but it is to place responsibility where it belongs. When I do that, I am able to relieve others of the responsibility to be for me what God never intended them to be. Yes, on some level, I believe He did intend for others to be conduits through which His love, protection, etc. could flow through. But when that other person fails us in whatever way, we are not left hopeless and helpless. We are not meant to “take care of ourselves”. We were created for dependence. Through pain, sorrow and disappointment, God drives us to that position of dependence. Not because He enjoys tormenting us or dangling carrots before our eyes only to snatch them away from our reach. He knows we need His rescue and that on our own we would not naturally seek to depend on anyone. We are driven to independence instinctually. He loves us with a relentless passion and desires our freedom that can only come through dependence on Him alone and so….we mess up, we fail, we disappoint others and are disappointed. The consequences of the Fall of mankind have infected us all. When we become aware of it our natural instinct is to defend ourselves. But who is our Defender? Who is our Advocate? What this all points to is the reality that we needed a Rescuer and we still need a Rescuer. Ongoing, present tense. Will I look to Him? Or will I continue to attempt to take care of my own need for rescue? Whose opinion of you is most important – His or others? Or your own? Something to really think about, huh?

Concept of God

It is my last full day on the island of Barbados. I decided after breakfast to go down to the beach right in front of our guest house. I had yet to take in that particular spot. So here I go, by myself, in search for Elizabeth a treasure from the sea. I walked back and forth allowing the waves to spill only onto my feet and ankles as I looked. The many shades of the turquoise ocean have yet to bore me. And while the loud roar of the waves has made some of our conversations difficult to hear, I still take a deep breath at the mightiness of the constant sound.

After walking a bit and finding a few treasures just the right size to pack in my suitcase, I sit down on a big rock. The water splashes once in a while over my feet enough to cool me. “You’ve carried me through it all….everything I have come through, You have seen me through it. I have learned to trust You, to rely on You and to need nothing more than You. Sometimes that can cause others to misunderstand me and think they don’t matter to me. Nothing is further from the truth….yet the reality of living life from a freedom of knowing that my significance, worth and value can only be realized as I look dead center on the sufficiency of the finished work on the Cross. Fill me with a fresh love.”

While sitting on that rock, looking out over the horizon and back again to the coming and going of the tide, I thought of my “picture of God” I had drawn back in the summer of ’99. I had believed the lie that God was One who played cruel tricks on His children and was playing one on me by yanking one ministry opportunity after another out of my reach. All of a sudden this one shell caught my attention. It was being carried in and then back out again with each new wave. I remembered what I had learned about the ocean and shells. The continual movement refines these shells, turning them into smooth stones. After many motions of the rough sand over them, back and forth through the ocean, eventually they are smoothed….much like me. The dark, difficult times of my life have been refining, conforming me to the work of the Father.

In this moment, I saw a beautiful picture of God: He has always been at work, preparing me and preparing others for me. Instead of yanking opportunities like a cruel trickster, He has been orchestrating something beautiful that only He could see. He loves me and He loves those I will minister to and He knows what is best. He knows when it is best. I can trust Him still and join Him in what He is already doing in my life. I don’t need to seek some thing, He will guide me to it. I don’t need to envy someone else’s opportunity of ministry; I am content where He has me. Trust, reliance and dependence: good choices I can make because of who I am and Whose I am.

Toppled by a Wave

Ok...so I know you all will enjoy the fact that I was toppled by a wave....twice....while playing on the beach today. Earrings and all got soaking wet....while Barry and Laurie got a big laugh at my expense! What a way to close the day as the sun starting slowly dropping to the horizon. Before that, we took a fun trip all around the island with Sandy and Heather. At one point the guys were so concerned for their "windblown hair look" that they could hardly pose for their picture. (Just imagine Barry laughing the same way a few hours later as he witnessed the ocean taking control over me.) Life is like that alot of the time: something seems to take control over your feelings so strongly that you believe those feelings are the truth. The feelings often for me are those of hurt, misunderstood, intimidated, misrepresented. Spiraling off them come the lies attached: "They don't think well of me"; "What will she/he think of me now?"; "I am always misunderstood".As long as I continue in that line of thinking my natural response is usually to run away, go silent, withdraw....and/or to defend myself, justify, over-explain and attack back. My feelings have toppled me out of control much like the waves washing over me and causing me to fall on all fours. When I choose to stay instead of run; pray for clarity instead of attack; continue to engage in community rather than escape into silence and quietly be willing to be misunderstood, a miracle has occurred. I have walked in the Spirit instead of reacting in the flesh. The waves may come....circumstances beyond my control....but I have the power of the gospel available to me to rely on. I did pretty good this time. Father, help me tomorrow.

Who Makes Me Good Enough?

Have you ever felt and even believed the lie, “I’m not good enough”? With that one comes another right on the heels of it, “More is required of me” and another, “I’ll never measure up”? Where do you go then? Is it, “So why try? Forget this! Forget You, God!” Or does your survival method look more like, “Well, I’ll just try harder”, “Surely after I do this and then that, you’ll like me… you’ll approve of me, etc”.

These “voices in our head” are strangely familiar. I can identify….and I found two new friends that share this struggle with me; David and Marie. David is a Korean man who lives in Atlanta and Marie, who lives here in Barbados. Three very uniquely different people from 3 different places across the globe, yet we have something in common that goes deep and traces back to each of our different childhoods. Through our varied backgrounds, we all three have come to know the inner turmoil of believing the lies of Satan, our enemy. While those lies have been dealt with at the cross, they still rear their ugly heads to speak into our minds and we have to choose to believe the truth that counteracts each of them. Some days we do pretty good; other days are a different story.

God will do and use whatever He wants to tell us how much He loves us. He’ll prove Himself over and over by continuing to speak truth to our hearts. He will open doors…miraculous doors that no one else could have ever opened apart from Him. His Spirit which indwells us, will resonate His truth within us. He will cause us to hear His words of truth amid the loud clamor in our heads. When He does these things, He is pointing to the truth of what He has done and won for us when He took our place at the Cross. Then He sealed the miracle when He was raised from the dead. In that moment, Jesus became our “enough”. He is enough. We need no one else, nothing more and in Him we are complete and completely okay. Nothing more is required. We no longer have to measure up to anything or anyone. To try harder is to reject His finished work. We have the stamp of approval from the One who matters most. His favor is a gift that He has won for us and then granted to us. We did nothing to earn it and we still can do nothing to earn it. Wow! When I believe this truth and rest in it, it quiets the “voices in my head”. I am free now to respond out of love and gratitude.

David, Marie and I can embrace the reality of our identity in Christ and we can actually live life as if it is true. Because it is! We are free to serve others or not serve; we are free to be who God has called us to be and we are free to leave our own country and go in the “not knowing” all that God will involve us in. “No one is made okay with God by obedience or lack of obedience to what God’s law commands…rather we are made okay with God by faith in what Jesus has done on our behalf.” (Galatians 2:16; my paraphrase)

So, the bottom line questions become: “Do I believe I need what Jesus has done for me and in me? Is He enough? Or is there something else I must do to be sure? Can I…will I take hold of His truth by faith and rest in His perfect work?

Sightseeing Day in Barbados

And then there is Julie and her 21 year-old daughter, Natasha. Julie offered to take some of us on a sightseeing tour around the island today. Ralph and I were the only ones available to take her up on her generous offer. What a great time we had!! This lady is one of the most hospitable people I have ever met....and her daughter was a complete joy to hang out with. She is incredibly creative with a camera in her hands....so I asked her to be my "official photographer" for the day. I'll have to post a picture or two once I get them from her. All the way from the The Parish of Christ Church (which is where our house is located) on to The Parishes of St. George, St. Michael, Thomas, James, Peter, Andrew, Joseph and John....(did we see St. Lucy too?? I can't remember) dropping back down into the middle of the city, skipping St. Philip, back to where we started. Wow! What an adventure! At one point we saw the rocky mountains of Barbados literally contrasted right across the bumpy road to the gorgeous, turquoise ocean. I've never seen anything like it. We passed Chattal houses one right after another, Rum houses, churches of various denominations as well as black-bellied sheep grazing for their lunch. We stopped off at a privately owned beach house to "freshen up" and enjoyed the beautiful view of a private beach on the other side of a white picket fence. The varieties of sights were overwhelming to my senses. It was a great day of getting to know two of the people who make this their home.That is the thing that is standing out to me: relationships happening. We came here for one main reason; to enter into relationship with these beautiful people and allow God to show us where He is at work. Believe me when I tell you, He is alive and well....and pursues all of us regardless of race, background, denomination or job title. "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." (Galatians 3:28) The unity and freedom and FUN that we have in Christ transcends all denomination lines, all racial lines and miles of distance. Is this an incredible family to be a part of or what??

Letter to a friend

Just remember that no matter who knows whatever they know about you: You are 100% loved and accepted by the One who matters at all. You are His workmanship, created for His purpose and no one else's. Everything you and I have ever done, are doing and will ever do that is against the holy will of God has already been nailed to the cross. His forgiveness is as far as the east is from the west....removed....never to be brought up again!!!! We are dead to sin and alive to God!! How amazing....the roar of the ocean's waves are coming in one right after the other right now as I sit on this balcony overlooking the Caribbean....and I realize that is how vast and immeasureable God's love and delight over me is. I cannot measure it....I cannot comprehend it....I cannot explain it or communicate it well enough for anyone to capture the reality of it....but it is true nonetheless. I pray for that truth to sink down deep into your spirit tonight more so than ever before.

Behind the Ocean Scene

While the island and ocean here in Barbados is magnificent…what is really amazing to me is the community I have seen among these people I have met. In true community, real connection happens. There is something that is the common denominator that is known among the community; sometimes spoken and sometimes it doesn’t even need to be spoken. It is felt and experienced. A miracle happens when that same common denominator exists within me and I fly thousands of miles across the ocean and join in with this other community finding that we are one in thought, belief and conviction. Maybe it shouldn’t be so unbelievable. Why am I so surprised? God is the Creator and the Sustainer of all things. He has sent His Son, Jesus to rescue us all from the bondage and principles of this present world. That means you and me who live in North and South Carolina as well as His people on a small island called Barbados. This rescue is such a beautiful miracle of grace and all who participate in it are children of a new family – the family of Christ. We are related….we have One major thing in common and from that centre we connect….we have community.

So, wouldn’t it make sense to continue to build that community? Build it first by hearing one another, getting to know one another. We all desire to be known and to know others. It takes honesty, the willingness to become vulnerable with one another and a trust that is ultimately in God. Then as we listen, both to the family members around us and to the voice of the Holy Spirit within, we share with one another. There is little need for us to try to “fix one another”, rather to share truth that penetrates the deepest part of our soul. As I sat with a group of singles last night and heard their stories and struggles, I heard the Spirit inside me say, “Remind them of their adoption.” I could hear as I listened that their focus had shifted from their identity in Jesus to their present circumstances, each one different from the other. I gently reminded them that Jesus has told us we have been chosen and adopted. We are no longer slaves, but sons…and if sons, heirs. (Gal. 4:7)
I knew this was something that would penetrate their soul, because we all need reminding of the truth of the gospel – the truth of who we really are in spite of our individual circumstances and struggles. We all go quickly back to relating to God and within ourselves and others from a slave-like mentality, instead of that as an adopted son. Jesus has promised He would never leave us as orphans. I choose in the midst of community in that moment to receive the truth again and believe it. One of the ladies, Wendy, left saying she had a new perspective to take with her on a business trip the next day. Wow!

Community….connecting on a level that is much deeper than anything superficial….and real freedom and renewed hope happens. That is happening as I enter into life here in Barbados with people that I have never met before. So, with the magnificent shades of blue in the ocean as the backdrop, the real miracle happening before my eyes is something I cannot capture in a snapshot. So, I wanted to tell you about it so that you could know beyond the surface of the gorgeous picture what is really going on.

I'm hoping tonight that my Dad will overcome the temptation to give into his fears. He struggles to understand the plight of his recent undiagnosed sickness. I feel for him. And yet, I don't like to see him depressed and withdrawing from activity. We want to be well and to still have control of our days as we once did. (Or thought we did. Control is such an illusion.) But as I look around me and see others suffering, I wonder if maybe a new perspective wouldn't help Dad. How does one accept what has come their way when they are powerless to change it? How do you rise above despair and depression? For me, turning in reliant trust in a sovereign God who allows suffering, is my only hope. This is not a safe world and sometimes God Himself is not safe - in that, He allows things into my life that don't "feel" safe. But He is always good. He always has my best interest in mind and is always watching over me. I have not gone unnoticed by the Omniscient God of the universe. He sees me. He sees my pain and that of my Dad's...and He cares. Will I trust Him? And if not, what is keeping me from trusting Him? Is my trust in myself a wise alternative?

Is the distant country necessary?

I was thinking about how we have such a tendency to try to stop people we love from going down a road that we can see is much like the one the younger prodigal took to the distant country. I mean, I know it is human nature to do that...and we care and don't want to see our loved one fall flat on their face against the pavement, so to speak. But isn't the trip to the city almost necessary for some in order for them to "come to their senses"? So my thought is this: Doesn't even the Father Himself grant the son's wishes knowing in His sovereignty that the son won't come to his senses any other way?? Somehow this gives me hope...hope that I can't mess it up so bad that the Father's extravagant love won't reach me. I'm not meaning to suggest that our flagrant travels are no big deal to God. I believe our "wanderings" hurt His heart....but I also believe that until I see to what level I am prone to wander, His redemption won't mean as much. This compels me to pray for His mercy and His protection over me and my loved ones. Father, don't give me what I want unless you know that it will bring me closer to Your heart...and please watch over us, guarding our hearts from wandering far from You. Thank you for running after me, for running to me and for your kiss of acceptance. May that compel me to stay close to home. (See Luke 15 from The Holy Bible)