Driven to Dependence

What if, on some level, the thing I don’t want to believe about myself is true?

That’s a scary thought, huh? But work with me here and let’s talk this out.

What are some things that I believe people may think about me? Or what are some ways I feel others treat me that imply they may be thinking a certain way about me? Perhaps, I even have some negative thoughts of myself. What are they?

“I’m a failure.”
“I’m controlling.”
“I’m being self-protective.”
“I’m arrogant and prideful.”
“I disrespect others.”
“I have a drinking problem.”

The list goes on and on. You could probably add some others to this list. The purpose at looking honestly at these thoughts is to experience freedom to whatever degree that we are currently NOT free. I propose that when we defensively attempt to wiggle out of addressing underlying issues, we are not free in that area. We may know freedom in other areas, we may be excellent teachers of freedom to others, but in whatever way we are believing in and acting out of a lie, we are in bondage. So, just know that my ultimate goal in processing through these thoughts is to guide us to a deeper level of freedom than we may currently know.

Usually when someone accuses me (either overtly or covertly) of something, my first instinct is to become defensive and attempt to disprove them. The measures I may use to go about this can be quite elaborate. I may expose some flaw in them so as to take the focus off myself. I may sarcastically agree only to shut them up. I may play the part of a victim. Sometimes, I jump right to the speculation and begin to lecture and defend why I am behaving the way I am. But the last thing I even think to do, is to own the accusation. It doesn’t even occur to me to simply agree, “You know, you are right…I have failed you in this way.” Or, “I can see that I am choosing to be quite self-protective at this time in my life.” Rather, my outburst usually goes something like this: “You’re damn right I have to self-protect…after all the ways you have hurt me and disregarded my heart and not heard me time after time. You would self-protect too! And after all, I have every right to be where I am and if you don’t like it, you can get over it! I am through with caring so much about everyone else at the expense of myself! If anyone is going to protect and take care of me, it will have to be myself!”

Whoa! Who licked the candy off her apple?? And out comes an outburst of defensive explanations, blame-shifting, attempts to control the other person all in an effort to release inner hurt and pain. But what if I were to decide to take an entirely different approach? What if, I agreed with what someone was saying about me and owned it? What if there were a grain of truth in the accusation, even if only a small one? If I could admit that “grain” and begin to address it with truth, I could take control of the only person I really have control over to start with. Let’s look at one of the “beliefs” and walk it out to see what it would look like to agree with it.

“I can see where I am being quite self-protective at this time in my life.” Answering some questions can begin to penetrate through our defense mechanisms and get to the heart of the matter.

“What are you trying to protect?”
“What has hurt you in the past that leaves you feeling a need to be self-protective?”
“What are you afraid of?” “What is your fear?”
“What are you truly wishing for deep inside?”
“What is your true heart’s desire?”
“Have you closed your heart off to desire?”
“Are you cynical that nothing will ever be different?”

Depending on how you answer the questions, can reveal what you are really believing in relation to yourself at the core of your identity. Now, what does God say about you? Who is He to you? What has He done for you, in you and on your behalf? Who has He made you to be, in spite of what you do or how you cope with life or deal with pain and disappointment? Where is your focus? Do you see yourself through God’s lenses? Or through others’ and your own? After answering some of the above questions in italics, it is helpful to answer some more questions. Such as: If I am trying to protect my heart from getting hurt again by putting up a cold wall to those around me, the Spirit may whisper to my soul, “Cynthia, whose job is it to protect you?” If I am thinking straight I will answer, “Yours, Lord.” This is not an attempt to be super-spiritual, but it is to place responsibility where it belongs. When I do that, I am able to relieve others of the responsibility to be for me what God never intended them to be. Yes, on some level, I believe He did intend for others to be conduits through which His love, protection, etc. could flow through. But when that other person fails us in whatever way, we are not left hopeless and helpless. We are not meant to “take care of ourselves”. We were created for dependence. Through pain, sorrow and disappointment, God drives us to that position of dependence. Not because He enjoys tormenting us or dangling carrots before our eyes only to snatch them away from our reach. He knows we need His rescue and that on our own we would not naturally seek to depend on anyone. We are driven to independence instinctually. He loves us with a relentless passion and desires our freedom that can only come through dependence on Him alone and so….we mess up, we fail, we disappoint others and are disappointed. The consequences of the Fall of mankind have infected us all. When we become aware of it our natural instinct is to defend ourselves. But who is our Defender? Who is our Advocate? What this all points to is the reality that we needed a Rescuer and we still need a Rescuer. Ongoing, present tense. Will I look to Him? Or will I continue to attempt to take care of my own need for rescue? Whose opinion of you is most important – His or others? Or your own? Something to really think about, huh?