I gained a half a pound this week. Now I know that is not much to speak of….however, that means I did not lose any this week. Uh oh….see…that is not good. So of course, as you can imagine, I started obsessing the “whys” and “hows” of how this could happen. Let me digress a moment from the point of this post to clue some curious ones in to some specifics that I have yet to share in this blog. I started on this journey on May 20, 2009. Since that date, I have lost 26 lbs. I am far from the place the doctor wants to see me get to, but I am well on my way and I have been pleased with the results so far. While it has not been easy, it is working and I encourage anyone to let yourself give in to a program like this for at least 8 weeks and I think you will see a “turn” take place that makes it a bit easier.
However, as I was starting to say….be careful of what your real desired goal is. As I was driving home from my Curves workout today, the question hit me, “What if the desired goal never happens?” I mean, I hate to be so morbid sounding (but since I am morbidly obese still, I guess I can sound morbid. L I know…that was a really bad pun) but several years ago my dear friend, Brenda Briggs joined Weight Watcher’s in an effort to take off quite a few pounds, which she was successful in doing. Less than a year later, she suddenly died of a brain tumor. I often thought, “She did all that work and lost all that weight for nothing. She was going to die an early death anyway. She could have just continued to enjoy her eating habits.” So, although I agree with my doctor that I do need to be very concerned about my health and even give it high priority right now, even that cannot be my goal. I could desire to be a size 10 again so I can try on my wedding dress and actually fit into it, but it better not be my goal. The magic number on the scale that I “should” weigh cannot be my goal. To look great in a size 8 pair of jeans by my 50th birthday would not be a wise goal. To be able to look myself in the mirror naked and hear myself honestly say, “Wow! I really do look not only fabulous, but desirable!” is still not a goal that would be good for me to have. By now, you are probably thinking that I am crazy. I admit, it sounds unnatural, other-worldly or something so unreachable that people might disregard this post altogether. But try to hear me out…these are just some of the things that I think God may have placed in my mind and heart. At best, it is my story….for me….and you can do with it what you want.
Whatever is our “goal” can lure us into a contest that God never meant for us to compete in. If any of the above ideas become my focus, it will cause me to be driven, obsessive, discouraged and will ultimately set me up to fail even if I “win the contest”. In a book I am reading the author said this about dieting: Dieting often backfires by setting us up for a lifetime of yo-yo weight gains and losses.” (Weight of Grace; Paula Neall Coleman) Without addressing the heart issues that lie underneath the weight problem to start with, this “yo-yo” sabotage is sure to happen. I can already see it playing out that way as I obsess over the number on the scale. It would go something like this: I set a goal. Let’s say for example, my goal is to get my weight down to 140 lbs and that my joints would no longer throb and ache. Good, healthy, realistic goal, right? So I set out on this path and make some good head-way (losing 26 pounds) and all of a sudden instead of losing some more this week, I gain a half a pound. On top of that, my right leg’s joints have throbbed a little more than usual. So I think to myself, “Oh my gosh! This is not good! I thought I was supposed to lose at least 2-3 pounds a week! I thought my joints would be healed by now or at best, feeling a lot better than 10 weeks ago! I gotta step up the pace here…I’ve gotta really be more careful about testing the waters with something other than shakes and bars. I gotta make sure I don’t miss going to Curves not for one day. I think I’ll have some sunflower seeds…oops…better just have a handful instead of a quarter of an ounce.” Driven, obsessing all about the contest I have going on with myself. Yet, that certain number on the scale can be so appealing. It draws me in like a magnet. Before I know it, I am trapped in this crazy dieting frenzy. Then, if I do end up reaching the “goal”, I will be driven to keep the goal in place. If I miss the “goal”, I will be discouraged and possibly even give up or be resentful. The whole thing cannot be about “contest”.
Do I really want to lose weight and see my health be at a better place in my latter years? Of course I do. Is that bad? No, I don’t think so at all. By now, I actually believe God Himself has put that desire, commitment and determination in my heart. However, none of that can be my “goal” if I expect to continue living a lifestyle change of making wiser, healthier choices for myself. But what if I give in to the process of looking at my heart issues that are beneath all of my unhealthy way of making choices? Proverbs says, “For as he thinks within himself, so he is.” (Proverbs 23:7) Out of the heart springs forth how we act, respond and behave. Our heart is revealed in and by what we do whether outward or in secret. Remember the first week that I met with Dr. Sarmiento? She said something that exposed my heart; “You are not mindful of what you eat or what it costs you health-wise.” Oh, I remember…it stung like a razor. It cut deep and past the chase and resonated as truth. I was convicted. There was no where to squirm or hide after that exposure. The only wise response was for me to decide what I was going to do with this new revelation. That part of my heart that is not completely yielded perfectly to the reality of my risen identity in Jesus still has some growing and conforming to do. “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son.” (Romans 8:28-29)
If I make “being mindful of what I eat” my “goal” or desired result, it changes the whole dynamic. It motivates me from within instead of from a “try-harder” mentality. When I gain a half a pound (or 10), learning to be mindful can become my friend and lead me to see where I can make a better choice tomorrow. Being mindful can cause me to think on the things that God deems important instead of my superficial insignificances. Being mindful can free me from the vicious trap of focusing on the scale, the figure, the clothes size, etc. Being mindful can be my first step of looking intently at the heart and desiring for it to reflect the glory of Jesus more than the glory of myself. That is a noble goal…and it is a desired result that He will see to it happens! It was His idea, by the way.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Sh-- ....I mean, Life happens!!
Do you realize that we live in a fallen world? One where sin, failure, disappointment, unmet expectations, hurt, stress and frustration actually happens on a daily basis? Even though I am completely aware of this reality, I often am surprised when these things crop into my day, my relationships and my life. You can always tell by the way I respond to these maladies. When my response is, “Oh shit! Can you believe this is happening to me?” I find myself almost wanting to put the bumper sticker “shit happens” on my car. (Not sure it would be a very nice testimony, but it would express how I feel at times.) But you know, really what happens is….LIFE! Life happens. We live in a fallen world where things break and fall apart; financially, relationally, physically, etc. None of us are exempt from it. There is no vaccine to avoid it. Even my surprise that I experience is part of my humanity.
Today I am reminded that we have been created for something bigger….bigger than ourselves, bigger than our realities and bigger than what is happening around me right now. Jesus spoke of it in the gospel of John when He announced His purpose for stooping to our humanity: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10 – ESV) What if we were to express “LIFE HAPPENS!” when we feel like expressing the expletive? What difference would it make in mine and your experiences of daily life if we were to acknowledge that whatever is coming our way today is for a grander purpose than we presently realize?
In my struggle to press on through this difficult and challenging weight loss program, I get side-tracked and distracted mentally and emotionally. I see my glaring issues and the issues of others around me and think about how much I am entitled to this or that. I make the present struggle the main thing, when God’s bigger purpose for which He created me for is the real main thing. When I give in to the enemy’s myriad voices that attempt to lure me, I lose the ability to experience the abundance that Jesus has for me in His Life. He is Life personified….and He is promising that in the midst of all that the thief wants to steal from me, He will give His abundant provision of Life to me. Once again, my focus is off. My perspective needs changing back to the One who gives a true perspective regardless of whatever situation we may find ourselves in. What we are going through is not the end of the world. It may hurt. It may be very painful and difficult. We may think we cannot bear much more or much longer. But the King of the kingdom of which we were created for is in control. He is Life….and He gives Life abundantly. He will see us through….and He will pursue making us into His original, intended design that makes us fit for His kingdom work. I decided sometime today that I really do want to cooperate with what He is doing in the bigger scheme of things. I know that I will have to be reminded of this choice and probably re-affirm it over and over, but that is because I am part of a fallen world where LIFE HAPPENS!
Today I am reminded that we have been created for something bigger….bigger than ourselves, bigger than our realities and bigger than what is happening around me right now. Jesus spoke of it in the gospel of John when He announced His purpose for stooping to our humanity: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10 – ESV) What if we were to express “LIFE HAPPENS!” when we feel like expressing the expletive? What difference would it make in mine and your experiences of daily life if we were to acknowledge that whatever is coming our way today is for a grander purpose than we presently realize?
In my struggle to press on through this difficult and challenging weight loss program, I get side-tracked and distracted mentally and emotionally. I see my glaring issues and the issues of others around me and think about how much I am entitled to this or that. I make the present struggle the main thing, when God’s bigger purpose for which He created me for is the real main thing. When I give in to the enemy’s myriad voices that attempt to lure me, I lose the ability to experience the abundance that Jesus has for me in His Life. He is Life personified….and He is promising that in the midst of all that the thief wants to steal from me, He will give His abundant provision of Life to me. Once again, my focus is off. My perspective needs changing back to the One who gives a true perspective regardless of whatever situation we may find ourselves in. What we are going through is not the end of the world. It may hurt. It may be very painful and difficult. We may think we cannot bear much more or much longer. But the King of the kingdom of which we were created for is in control. He is Life….and He gives Life abundantly. He will see us through….and He will pursue making us into His original, intended design that makes us fit for His kingdom work. I decided sometime today that I really do want to cooperate with what He is doing in the bigger scheme of things. I know that I will have to be reminded of this choice and probably re-affirm it over and over, but that is because I am part of a fallen world where LIFE HAPPENS!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Pressing on through difficulty
I don’t feel very strong today at all. Actually, this whole week has been a difficult one and I’m quite aware of my weakness. I think I come across as someone who is strong and has it all together. One who rarely struggles, but looks like she is always on top of whatever life is handing her. However, this is one week when I could have truly benefitted from someone stronger than me, someone intuitive and courageous enough to come alongside me in my struggle. I know that the Someone I really need is always there for me. His strength is perfected in my weakness, the Scripture says. Yet, today I am not even sensing His comfort. It’s not His fault, because in reality it is there….I am just looking for it elsewhere.
For the first time in the seven weeks I have been on this Weight Loss Program, I am finding myself with feelings of resentment. I walk into my own house and the aroma of the barbeque chicken is amazing. Oh my gosh! I find myself wishing I hadn’t come home. You see, the doctor strongly suggested on Wednesday that I go through another
6-week round of phase one. This means I continue on the 800 calories per day to include protein shakes and bars. Just when I thought I would add a “real meal” to each day, I am encouraged to go another 6 weeks without. I actually agree that it is the best route to take at this time. Therefore, I consented to it. However, the reality of the need for that has sunk in. Thus the resentment; toward myself and toward others who are not on the program with me. Especially the ones who need to be (in my perception) and who claim they are “watching their diet” too. If you are really not interested in doing something about your weight, then at least be honest and say so. Don’t pretend you are, don’t pretend you are losing weight too while eating crazy amounts of calories around me while I am limited to shakes and bars. I want to scream these thoughts to some around me, but of course, I don’t. My surroundings are affecting my resolve, this I admit. I also am honestly resentful of myself and for the years of not being mindful of what and how I eat. I have caused injury to my own health and now I must do something about that. So, I resent the fact that I have had such a cavalier attitude about it until now. I have no one to blame but myself. I can project the blame elsewhere and it is certainly convenient to do that with those closest to me, but it is not the answer. This I realize.
So…where do I go with this? First of all, I recognize the hard facts that it is going to take time, discipline and hard work to get healthy. Secondly, I assume responsibility for that task only upon myself. I cannot expect anyone else to “go the journey” with me. This is a very personal and private journey and I must go it alone. In that respect, others around me do have to eat. (Or so they think they do.) So, I will have to push past the arousing temptations that lure me. Stay focused on my own decision. Stand firm in my own freedom and not give in, no matter how much my cravings and desires tug at me. Direct my attention elsewhere; reading a book, knit on one of my endless unfinished projects, start a new project like the sewing class, study for the Bible study class, go for a walk, go to a movie, call a friend, etc. Even being willing to admit, “This is really, really hard….and emotionally painful.” Learning to let others be where they are while I am where I am is a lifelong lesson. Just when I think I am doing pretty good at this, there seems to be a new season or circumstance to challenge me and grow me further in this practice of grace. I need to remember to give myself some grace too in this. I have failed myself and my Creator and yet His mercy, grace and forgiveness is ever upon me. He has forgiven me, He is forgiving me and He will forgive me. His mercy is new every morning. Great is His faithfulness, even when I have been faithless. I turn now to Him and choose in this moment to allow His comfort to wash over me. “I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward – to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back. So let’s keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision – you’ll see it yet! Now that we’re on the right track, let’s stay on it.”
(Philippians 3:12-16 – The Message)
For the first time in the seven weeks I have been on this Weight Loss Program, I am finding myself with feelings of resentment. I walk into my own house and the aroma of the barbeque chicken is amazing. Oh my gosh! I find myself wishing I hadn’t come home. You see, the doctor strongly suggested on Wednesday that I go through another
6-week round of phase one. This means I continue on the 800 calories per day to include protein shakes and bars. Just when I thought I would add a “real meal” to each day, I am encouraged to go another 6 weeks without. I actually agree that it is the best route to take at this time. Therefore, I consented to it. However, the reality of the need for that has sunk in. Thus the resentment; toward myself and toward others who are not on the program with me. Especially the ones who need to be (in my perception) and who claim they are “watching their diet” too. If you are really not interested in doing something about your weight, then at least be honest and say so. Don’t pretend you are, don’t pretend you are losing weight too while eating crazy amounts of calories around me while I am limited to shakes and bars. I want to scream these thoughts to some around me, but of course, I don’t. My surroundings are affecting my resolve, this I admit. I also am honestly resentful of myself and for the years of not being mindful of what and how I eat. I have caused injury to my own health and now I must do something about that. So, I resent the fact that I have had such a cavalier attitude about it until now. I have no one to blame but myself. I can project the blame elsewhere and it is certainly convenient to do that with those closest to me, but it is not the answer. This I realize.
So…where do I go with this? First of all, I recognize the hard facts that it is going to take time, discipline and hard work to get healthy. Secondly, I assume responsibility for that task only upon myself. I cannot expect anyone else to “go the journey” with me. This is a very personal and private journey and I must go it alone. In that respect, others around me do have to eat. (Or so they think they do.) So, I will have to push past the arousing temptations that lure me. Stay focused on my own decision. Stand firm in my own freedom and not give in, no matter how much my cravings and desires tug at me. Direct my attention elsewhere; reading a book, knit on one of my endless unfinished projects, start a new project like the sewing class, study for the Bible study class, go for a walk, go to a movie, call a friend, etc. Even being willing to admit, “This is really, really hard….and emotionally painful.” Learning to let others be where they are while I am where I am is a lifelong lesson. Just when I think I am doing pretty good at this, there seems to be a new season or circumstance to challenge me and grow me further in this practice of grace. I need to remember to give myself some grace too in this. I have failed myself and my Creator and yet His mercy, grace and forgiveness is ever upon me. He has forgiven me, He is forgiving me and He will forgive me. His mercy is new every morning. Great is His faithfulness, even when I have been faithless. I turn now to Him and choose in this moment to allow His comfort to wash over me. “I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward – to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back. So let’s keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision – you’ll see it yet! Now that we’re on the right track, let’s stay on it.”
(Philippians 3:12-16 – The Message)
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