Ok…so I had my first appointment with Dr. Sarmiento and everything, (well, almost everything) went really well. I got a great report, had some great success and one criticism. All in all, I was encouraged and set out for Week Two. But here is the more important news of all: “Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.” (John 3: 20) I know, I know…that sounds so discouraging, huh? Not really what you were wanting to hear, I’m sure. Just as it wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear either. Sorry. (Sort of.) But it is true.
Remember how I told you that I am in the middle of a study of Psalm 119?? The Psalmist is talking about how much He LOVES God’s commands and precepts. Most of you know that I talk a great deal about the value of studying the Scriptures inductively and how much I love to do that. But tonight I’m thinking, “Can I really honestly say I LOVE the commands of God?” I couldn’t, if I were going to be perfectly honest. I like the fact that they are good for me and a protection for me…but LOVE them?? And I realized by the time I got to reading the portion in John, that honestly my fear of exposure keeps me from LOVING his commands enough to rearrange my busy schedule to meditate on them very long. As if this wasn’t convicting enough, somehow my cross-referencing took me to this verse in Job: “I have not departed from the commands of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my daily bread.” (23:12) Yeah, right! Here is a man that is suffering more than any of us can imagine and he says he treasures God’s Word more than his food.
There is something here for me to learn and to choose to believe: I can turn to God and His Word as I go through this time of having my focus shifted from getting my needs met through the use of food. I can learn to love His Word more than my daily bread. I can look to Him to sustain me, to encourage me, to revive me. I can trust Him and His promises. I can consider the ways I have been doing things and turn in repentance to His ways. He urges me to “hasten and not delay in keeping His Word.” (Psalm 119:60) But in order to do any of this, I need Him….I need His rescue…and I need His Light. “But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light…” (John 3:21) The reality is that “men love darkness better than light” and His Spirit wants to change us. When I am believing the dark lie that I am being deprived when I cannot have a slice of pizza today…or a piece of chocolate raspberry cheesecake, then what I need more than those temporal substitutes is to come into the light and see the truth that I am NOT being deprived. I am making good choices as I delay gratification for a better outcome.
How do I sit at Brixx Pizza with my family and watch them enjoy their pizza while I enjoy my nutrition bar? How do I carry on a conversation with my mother and friend at O’Charley’s and sip a cup of tea with my nutrition bar while they have a salad? Was it crazy for me to enjoy the company and conversation with my husband and eldest son at Pomodora’s today? Something at the core of my heart and belief system is being changed and it has absolutely nothing to do with willpower. It is a miracle and I am experiencing it live and in person. I have come into the light….the exposure is there and I am no longer ashamed. I am asking God to give me a love for His Word unlike I have ever had before; to grant me the discipline to leave some other “love interests” to spend more time reading and meditating on it until I treasure it more than my daily bread.
No, this was not exactly all that I thought God would reveal to me when I agreed to join the Weight Loss Rehab program, but He knows best and I trust Him. So, onward we go.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Journaling Through Rehab - Part 2
It has been one full week since I joined the “rehab” program and amazingly, surprisingly I have done very well. I’ve done everything I was suppose to do before going in for my one week accountability session tomorrow. Living on 800 calories a day for a full week has been quite interesting to say the least, especially since it consisted of a steady diet of weight loss shakes, nutrition bars, some cups of tea with artificial sweetener and one diet soda a day. My last night before the first “check-in” and the aroma of homemade Mac & Cheese just about did me in. I began to internally justify that because I had done so well, a few bites – maybe even a small dish- wouldn’t be so bad. I’m not really sure, to tell you the truth, how I actually kept from giving into the temptation. But I managed to keep my focus elsewhere away from the food. I guess that is how I did it, come to think of it: I focused elsewhere.
I am so use to instantly gratifying myself that I normally have whatever I desire at the moment in regard to food. So, if I am out and about running errands or heading up the mountain to teach a class and I want some chips from Zaxby’s, I rarely give much consideration. I simply pull through the drive-thru, order them extra crispy, light seasoning and voila! They fix them right up, collect my money and out the window they hand them to me. I usually even get a nice compliment on my red glasses, red lipstick and red car. Instant self-gratification. I have habitually done this for quite some time, so there is little effort spent on feeling guilty about it. As Dr. Sarmiento accurately said, “You are not mindful of what you eat.” She doesn’t even know me; what is she, psychic?
So today, these are some of the heart issues underlying the food addiction. The act of pleasing or satisfying oneself, especially the gratifying of my own impulses, needs or desires. Continuing to give in to habitual behavior that stems from a faulty and lazy mindset as well as exercising little, if any, discipline. After settling for an overweight body, I convinced myself that I was fine and before I knew it my lifestyle eating choices were being made from a strong lack of discipline. Now I find myself in need of rescue from this addiction, which is why the strict low caloric “drying out” time. Once I am able to eat differently and for different reasons, I can be trusted with more calories and more choices. It would seem like following this program would put an even greater focus on food (or the lack thereof) for me. When I do find my thoughts turning to what I have habitually always done, I have to choose to re-focus those things in my mind. Maturity is often defined as the ability to delay gratification. (Patience) In this particular area of my personal life, I am praying for such maturity of character. I realize that trying to diet, willing myself to eat better, telling myself a constant “no” is not going to last. If I am to experience real change, my mind and heart has to change. There has to be repentance for me on this issue. Then I can confidently expect lasting progress. Before, I handled all this on my own…never even involving God in this area of my life. Now in my “broken state”, I am turning to Him to help me…to do it for me….to show me what I need to see that is keeping me in physical slavery. I am no longer a slave, but a son….so why would I turn back to bondage all over again? This is a divine time for me. It is time. He has promised to be with me on this leg of the journey and I am counting on that promise. As a matter of fact, I sense His presence so greatly, that I joined Him for a walk around the lake at Furman University today. He had the ducks and birds there just for my enjoyment. I’ll let you know the results of my first accountability session in a day or so and we’ll explore more deeply those first three “enemies”: instant self-gratification, bad habits stemming from a faulty, lazy mindset and the lack of discipline.
I am so use to instantly gratifying myself that I normally have whatever I desire at the moment in regard to food. So, if I am out and about running errands or heading up the mountain to teach a class and I want some chips from Zaxby’s, I rarely give much consideration. I simply pull through the drive-thru, order them extra crispy, light seasoning and voila! They fix them right up, collect my money and out the window they hand them to me. I usually even get a nice compliment on my red glasses, red lipstick and red car. Instant self-gratification. I have habitually done this for quite some time, so there is little effort spent on feeling guilty about it. As Dr. Sarmiento accurately said, “You are not mindful of what you eat.” She doesn’t even know me; what is she, psychic?
So today, these are some of the heart issues underlying the food addiction. The act of pleasing or satisfying oneself, especially the gratifying of my own impulses, needs or desires. Continuing to give in to habitual behavior that stems from a faulty and lazy mindset as well as exercising little, if any, discipline. After settling for an overweight body, I convinced myself that I was fine and before I knew it my lifestyle eating choices were being made from a strong lack of discipline. Now I find myself in need of rescue from this addiction, which is why the strict low caloric “drying out” time. Once I am able to eat differently and for different reasons, I can be trusted with more calories and more choices. It would seem like following this program would put an even greater focus on food (or the lack thereof) for me. When I do find my thoughts turning to what I have habitually always done, I have to choose to re-focus those things in my mind. Maturity is often defined as the ability to delay gratification. (Patience) In this particular area of my personal life, I am praying for such maturity of character. I realize that trying to diet, willing myself to eat better, telling myself a constant “no” is not going to last. If I am to experience real change, my mind and heart has to change. There has to be repentance for me on this issue. Then I can confidently expect lasting progress. Before, I handled all this on my own…never even involving God in this area of my life. Now in my “broken state”, I am turning to Him to help me…to do it for me….to show me what I need to see that is keeping me in physical slavery. I am no longer a slave, but a son….so why would I turn back to bondage all over again? This is a divine time for me. It is time. He has promised to be with me on this leg of the journey and I am counting on that promise. As a matter of fact, I sense His presence so greatly, that I joined Him for a walk around the lake at Furman University today. He had the ducks and birds there just for my enjoyment. I’ll let you know the results of my first accountability session in a day or so and we’ll explore more deeply those first three “enemies”: instant self-gratification, bad habits stemming from a faulty, lazy mindset and the lack of discipline.
Monday, May 25, 2009
My name is Cynthia and I am an addict.
Have you ever noticed how faithful God is to get all up in your stuff?? It seems like it will happen when you least expect it or in ways that are not at all what you were searching for.
I’m studying and leading a group through an inductive study of Psalm 119 right now and it is really rich. And per usual, God is all up in my stuff. But really He started meddling around in my heart several months ago. I just thought I would write and tell you about it. As you know, I have been experiencing some discomfort with the right side of my lower body: right knee pain, hip and joint pain and basically creaking around like an old woman any time stairs are involved. I usually have a pretty high tolerance for discomfort, even had all three of my children totally naturally, which some would say was absurd. However, this continual and worsening joint pain had really gotten my attention, so I began the journey of seeing multiple doctors. After two MRI’s, dozen or so X-rays, trial and error anti-inflammatory medications and failure at completing exercises on a regular basis and no real diagnosis, I figured out my own problem. (Of course, a couple of the doctors affirmed this for me but I didn’t really want to hear it from them, so I dismissed their advice until I came to the same conclusion after the fact.) Here is what I came up with: “I think I am a little overweight and maybe if I could lose a few pounds it would help take some stress off my joints.” So, I began to do some research and investigate some options since my past experience with dieting and losing weight has not been very successful. As a matter of fact, some years ago, I settled into the reality that I was who I was and I was okay with me in terms of my size and weight. As Dr. Phil might ask: “So, how’s that working for ya?” Well, honestly, up until this recent joint pain situation, it worked fine for me. But like I said earlier, the constant living with joint pain and approaching the beautiful age of fifty has changed my mind. So, I set off to doing something about my weight for physical reasons and thought I had a pretty healthy attitude about it all. That is, until I met Dr. Cheryl Sarmiento. (She specializes in Bariatrics.) After less than 20 minutes talking to her, she looked me straight in the eye, with a no-nonsense demeanor and said, “You are not mindful of what you eat. Consider yourself in rehab for the next 6 weeks.” She went on to explain the four categories of weight: normal, overweight, obesity and morbid obesity. Now, you have to know me: I KNEW I was overweight. Note the above confession: “I think I am a little overweight and could stand to lose a few pounds.” But as I continued to be educated by Dr. Sarmiento, she showed me that according to the metabolic scale readings, I was actually in the “morbid obesity” category. Trust me, between the stark realities of being morbid obese, not mindful of what I eat and in deep need of rehab, I was feeling quite humbled, to say the least. Slowly and startlingly, I was being made aware that I was more than just a “little overweight”. Part of what went through my mind was, “How did I get here?” “I can’t do this program she is describing to me.” “What if I don’t like the way it tastes?” “Screw this whole thing: I’m going home and continuing to live my life the way I have been living it.” But somewhere between the time of her leaving the examining room and leading me in to talk with Dana, the Weight Loss Consultant, everything about this visit turned from physical to spiritual. Just a few weeks ago I had been really struggling with some concerns for a family member’s alcohol use. During those weeks of inner turmoil and wanting to “fix” his problem as I perceived it, I distinctly sensed the Holy Spirit say to me, “Cynthia, your weight issue is no different. You have the same problem.” Now today, in Dr. Sarmiento’s office, I heard essentially the same thing.
I have come to realize a couple of things about how God deals with me “bountifully” (Psalm 119:17) One way is that He never lets me stay too long trying to judge and fix another’s sin, without showing me my own. Secondly, He is always faithful to show up, invade my heart and expose the underlying issue that is keeping me from experiencing the abundant Life presently. Before my doctor’s visit, my joint pain was the issue. After the visit, my addiction with food was the real issue that needed to be dealt with. Of course, underneath the food addiction is a greater problem that has to do with the spiritual and I will talk more about that in my next letter. When I write again, I’ll talk about how God has faithfully made His way into my business by getting all into my stuff…and what He is showing me as I feed on His Word to replace feeding on things that are not good for me; body, soul or spirit. All of this is related…and I am on a journey as I did agree to join the “rehab program”. Stay tuned for more as I process all this. I plan to journal my way through it in my blog and hopefully it will help someone else with whatever addictions they may have.
I’m studying and leading a group through an inductive study of Psalm 119 right now and it is really rich. And per usual, God is all up in my stuff. But really He started meddling around in my heart several months ago. I just thought I would write and tell you about it. As you know, I have been experiencing some discomfort with the right side of my lower body: right knee pain, hip and joint pain and basically creaking around like an old woman any time stairs are involved. I usually have a pretty high tolerance for discomfort, even had all three of my children totally naturally, which some would say was absurd. However, this continual and worsening joint pain had really gotten my attention, so I began the journey of seeing multiple doctors. After two MRI’s, dozen or so X-rays, trial and error anti-inflammatory medications and failure at completing exercises on a regular basis and no real diagnosis, I figured out my own problem. (Of course, a couple of the doctors affirmed this for me but I didn’t really want to hear it from them, so I dismissed their advice until I came to the same conclusion after the fact.) Here is what I came up with: “I think I am a little overweight and maybe if I could lose a few pounds it would help take some stress off my joints.” So, I began to do some research and investigate some options since my past experience with dieting and losing weight has not been very successful. As a matter of fact, some years ago, I settled into the reality that I was who I was and I was okay with me in terms of my size and weight. As Dr. Phil might ask: “So, how’s that working for ya?” Well, honestly, up until this recent joint pain situation, it worked fine for me. But like I said earlier, the constant living with joint pain and approaching the beautiful age of fifty has changed my mind. So, I set off to doing something about my weight for physical reasons and thought I had a pretty healthy attitude about it all. That is, until I met Dr. Cheryl Sarmiento. (She specializes in Bariatrics.) After less than 20 minutes talking to her, she looked me straight in the eye, with a no-nonsense demeanor and said, “You are not mindful of what you eat. Consider yourself in rehab for the next 6 weeks.” She went on to explain the four categories of weight: normal, overweight, obesity and morbid obesity. Now, you have to know me: I KNEW I was overweight. Note the above confession: “I think I am a little overweight and could stand to lose a few pounds.” But as I continued to be educated by Dr. Sarmiento, she showed me that according to the metabolic scale readings, I was actually in the “morbid obesity” category. Trust me, between the stark realities of being morbid obese, not mindful of what I eat and in deep need of rehab, I was feeling quite humbled, to say the least. Slowly and startlingly, I was being made aware that I was more than just a “little overweight”. Part of what went through my mind was, “How did I get here?” “I can’t do this program she is describing to me.” “What if I don’t like the way it tastes?” “Screw this whole thing: I’m going home and continuing to live my life the way I have been living it.” But somewhere between the time of her leaving the examining room and leading me in to talk with Dana, the Weight Loss Consultant, everything about this visit turned from physical to spiritual. Just a few weeks ago I had been really struggling with some concerns for a family member’s alcohol use. During those weeks of inner turmoil and wanting to “fix” his problem as I perceived it, I distinctly sensed the Holy Spirit say to me, “Cynthia, your weight issue is no different. You have the same problem.” Now today, in Dr. Sarmiento’s office, I heard essentially the same thing.
I have come to realize a couple of things about how God deals with me “bountifully” (Psalm 119:17) One way is that He never lets me stay too long trying to judge and fix another’s sin, without showing me my own. Secondly, He is always faithful to show up, invade my heart and expose the underlying issue that is keeping me from experiencing the abundant Life presently. Before my doctor’s visit, my joint pain was the issue. After the visit, my addiction with food was the real issue that needed to be dealt with. Of course, underneath the food addiction is a greater problem that has to do with the spiritual and I will talk more about that in my next letter. When I write again, I’ll talk about how God has faithfully made His way into my business by getting all into my stuff…and what He is showing me as I feed on His Word to replace feeding on things that are not good for me; body, soul or spirit. All of this is related…and I am on a journey as I did agree to join the “rehab program”. Stay tuned for more as I process all this. I plan to journal my way through it in my blog and hopefully it will help someone else with whatever addictions they may have.
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