Journaling Through Rehab - Part 2

It has been one full week since I joined the “rehab” program and amazingly, surprisingly I have done very well. I’ve done everything I was suppose to do before going in for my one week accountability session tomorrow. Living on 800 calories a day for a full week has been quite interesting to say the least, especially since it consisted of a steady diet of weight loss shakes, nutrition bars, some cups of tea with artificial sweetener and one diet soda a day. My last night before the first “check-in” and the aroma of homemade Mac & Cheese just about did me in. I began to internally justify that because I had done so well, a few bites – maybe even a small dish- wouldn’t be so bad. I’m not really sure, to tell you the truth, how I actually kept from giving into the temptation. But I managed to keep my focus elsewhere away from the food. I guess that is how I did it, come to think of it: I focused elsewhere.

I am so use to instantly gratifying myself that I normally have whatever I desire at the moment in regard to food. So, if I am out and about running errands or heading up the mountain to teach a class and I want some chips from Zaxby’s, I rarely give much consideration. I simply pull through the drive-thru, order them extra crispy, light seasoning and voila! They fix them right up, collect my money and out the window they hand them to me. I usually even get a nice compliment on my red glasses, red lipstick and red car. Instant self-gratification. I have habitually done this for quite some time, so there is little effort spent on feeling guilty about it. As Dr. Sarmiento accurately said, “You are not mindful of what you eat.” She doesn’t even know me; what is she, psychic?

So today, these are some of the heart issues underlying the food addiction. The act of pleasing or satisfying oneself, especially the gratifying of my own impulses, needs or desires. Continuing to give in to habitual behavior that stems from a faulty and lazy mindset as well as exercising little, if any, discipline. After settling for an overweight body, I convinced myself that I was fine and before I knew it my lifestyle eating choices were being made from a strong lack of discipline. Now I find myself in need of rescue from this addiction, which is why the strict low caloric “drying out” time. Once I am able to eat differently and for different reasons, I can be trusted with more calories and more choices. It would seem like following this program would put an even greater focus on food (or the lack thereof) for me. When I do find my thoughts turning to what I have habitually always done, I have to choose to re-focus those things in my mind. Maturity is often defined as the ability to delay gratification. (Patience) In this particular area of my personal life, I am praying for such maturity of character. I realize that trying to diet, willing myself to eat better, telling myself a constant “no” is not going to last. If I am to experience real change, my mind and heart has to change. There has to be repentance for me on this issue. Then I can confidently expect lasting progress. Before, I handled all this on my own…never even involving God in this area of my life. Now in my “broken state”, I am turning to Him to help me…to do it for me….to show me what I need to see that is keeping me in physical slavery. I am no longer a slave, but a son….so why would I turn back to bondage all over again? This is a divine time for me. It is time. He has promised to be with me on this leg of the journey and I am counting on that promise. As a matter of fact, I sense His presence so greatly, that I joined Him for a walk around the lake at Furman University today. He had the ducks and birds there just for my enjoyment. I’ll let you know the results of my first accountability session in a day or so and we’ll explore more deeply those first three “enemies”: instant self-gratification, bad habits stemming from a faulty, lazy mindset and the lack of discipline.