Pressing on through difficulty

I don’t feel very strong today at all. Actually, this whole week has been a difficult one and I’m quite aware of my weakness. I think I come across as someone who is strong and has it all together. One who rarely struggles, but looks like she is always on top of whatever life is handing her. However, this is one week when I could have truly benefitted from someone stronger than me, someone intuitive and courageous enough to come alongside me in my struggle. I know that the Someone I really need is always there for me. His strength is perfected in my weakness, the Scripture says. Yet, today I am not even sensing His comfort. It’s not His fault, because in reality it is there….I am just looking for it elsewhere.

For the first time in the seven weeks I have been on this Weight Loss Program, I am finding myself with feelings of resentment. I walk into my own house and the aroma of the barbeque chicken is amazing. Oh my gosh! I find myself wishing I hadn’t come home. You see, the doctor strongly suggested on Wednesday that I go through another
6-week round of phase one. This means I continue on the 800 calories per day to include protein shakes and bars. Just when I thought I would add a “real meal” to each day, I am encouraged to go another 6 weeks without. I actually agree that it is the best route to take at this time. Therefore, I consented to it. However, the reality of the need for that has sunk in. Thus the resentment; toward myself and toward others who are not on the program with me. Especially the ones who need to be (in my perception) and who claim they are “watching their diet” too. If you are really not interested in doing something about your weight, then at least be honest and say so. Don’t pretend you are, don’t pretend you are losing weight too while eating crazy amounts of calories around me while I am limited to shakes and bars. I want to scream these thoughts to some around me, but of course, I don’t. My surroundings are affecting my resolve, this I admit. I also am honestly resentful of myself and for the years of not being mindful of what and how I eat. I have caused injury to my own health and now I must do something about that. So, I resent the fact that I have had such a cavalier attitude about it until now. I have no one to blame but myself. I can project the blame elsewhere and it is certainly convenient to do that with those closest to me, but it is not the answer. This I realize.

So…where do I go with this? First of all, I recognize the hard facts that it is going to take time, discipline and hard work to get healthy. Secondly, I assume responsibility for that task only upon myself. I cannot expect anyone else to “go the journey” with me. This is a very personal and private journey and I must go it alone. In that respect, others around me do have to eat. (Or so they think they do.) So, I will have to push past the arousing temptations that lure me. Stay focused on my own decision. Stand firm in my own freedom and not give in, no matter how much my cravings and desires tug at me. Direct my attention elsewhere; reading a book, knit on one of my endless unfinished projects, start a new project like the sewing class, study for the Bible study class, go for a walk, go to a movie, call a friend, etc. Even being willing to admit, “This is really, really hard….and emotionally painful.” Learning to let others be where they are while I am where I am is a lifelong lesson. Just when I think I am doing pretty good at this, there seems to be a new season or circumstance to challenge me and grow me further in this practice of grace. I need to remember to give myself some grace too in this. I have failed myself and my Creator and yet His mercy, grace and forgiveness is ever upon me. He has forgiven me, He is forgiving me and He will forgive me. His mercy is new every morning. Great is His faithfulness, even when I have been faithless. I turn now to Him and choose in this moment to allow His comfort to wash over me. “I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward – to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back. So let’s keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision – you’ll see it yet! Now that we’re on the right track, let’s stay on it.”
(Philippians 3:12-16 – The Message)