Unrealistic Expectations

I think it was my second week into the “Rehab program” when I only lost one pound. To me, that was totally unacceptable. Some of my thoughts ran something like this: “No way! I’m not going to change my lifestyle this drastically to only get THIS result! This is not fair.” What I was really saying was, “I expect to lose the same amount every week that I lost the first week. I expect for this to not be so hard. I expect for this to not take so long.” There is nothing wrong with me anticipating results from a changed lifestyle. But I realized a couple of days after my initial disappointment that I was having unrealistic expectations on myself and the program. It was not reasonable or practical to actually think that I would lose my weight overnight. I didn’t put it on that way and it wouldn’t come off that way. I remember the doctor telling me that she was pleased with my progress. To which I quickly responded, “Well, I’m not.” Outwardly I was polite, but inwardly I was really disappointed. My unrealistic expectations were not producing the unreasonable result I anticipated and frankly it ticked me off. In my disappointment, I was tempted to throw in the towel, forget the whole thing and just continue living my life the way I had been living it. I mean, “Who cares really? We all gotta die of something, right?” Thankfully, I saw pretty quickly that my reasoning was out of line. This is some of the very thinking that has kept me overweight for many years. Would I allow my thinking and beliefs concerning this issue to be changed? What difference would it make for me to press on, push past the hard place and choose wisely regardless of how long it took?

Meanwhile, in a different part of my life I had been feeling as though others had unrealistic expectations on me relationally. I felt like I was expected to act out of their understanding of what loyalty is. I felt like I was not allowed to be imperfect or to react out of hurt. It felt as though others had me on a pedestal that I wished to never have been put on. As a result of feeling this way, I thought “No one understands me”; “I am constantly misunderstood”; “They don’t know the real me”. Out of those beliefs about myself and others, I began to retreat. I pulled the blanket around my heart and withdrew to myself and others that I felt did know me and understand me. I was no longer interested in the fight. It was too hard to fight for healthy relationship with some who I perceived didn’t get it. It became easier to just let them be who they were and I would maintain on my own. A form of self-protection; for what I was really saying was, “I’ll protect myself and not get too close so that you cannot have the power to hurt me.” By not expressing to them how I feel and allowing them the opportunity to see me in a deeper way, I remove the possibility for continued close friendship. I miss out on them and they miss out on me.

In much the same way, my unrealistic expectations of the weight loss program seemed parallel to the relational situation. I needed a different perspective on things. It takes time for someone “morbidly obese” to lose a significant amount of weight and fat percentage. In an imperfect world, we must be willing to accept the reality that something worth having will be hard and difficult at times. Our society has placed Barbie on a pedestal and we often think we have to be loyal to our childhood icon. The worse thing I could do to myself at this point of the weight loss program would be to retreat, self-protect and stop fighting. I chose to press on. I did not give into the “voices in my head”. When I reached the fifth week, I didn’t lose any that week and my whole mindset was different by then for having worked through this issue on unrealistic expectations. I approach the final couple of days of the 6-week journey and my resolve is greater now than 4 weeks ago. It is amazing how my mind has been changed on so many different levels concerning all this. As for the self-protecting on the relational situation I mentioned….well….let’s just say, I am working on it. You pray for me, okay?

Writer's Block

I don't understand why I suffer from this from time to time, but I do. There is still much going through my mind in regard to the Weight Loss Rehab program I am on....as well as some other stuff that has come from a recent study of Psalm 119. So, just wanted those of you that are checking the blog regularly to know that I am still here. I hope to write soon. Thanks for your interest, prayers and patience.

Response to a fellow-struggler

*This post is a response to someone who has been reading my blog and wrote to tell me of her own struggles. I thought it would be helpful to share. *

Yeah…the whole “instant gratification” thing is definitely an American society issue….and I have been saying to a few people that I felt like the things God has been showing me (and that I have been blogging) could actually speak into many areas of our life. The three enemies that I mentioned in one of the posts, are three enemies in life in general, not just weight management issues. I will try to speak back to some of what you said. Not because I am trying to help fix you, rather that I love you and want to dialogue about it and hopefully speak some continued truth. We all need truth….the truth will set us free. (Or it will if we embrace it.)

One: You mentioned your middle school son who is addicted to sugar – bless his pea-picking heart. You gotta love the child, and I do!! But really, I would share with him honestly (like maybe you have already done) about the addiction and help him break it now. Don’t do it in a “this is what I say you’re gonna do” way, but more in a way of partnering with him and loving him through it. Does that make sense? Even share your own struggles (with wisdom, cause he don’t need to hear specifics) and make it like you and he are on this “rehab” together. Tell him anything about me…I don’t care what he knows.

Two: The demon that trails you, trails me. Somehow and for some reason, God has protected me from myself, my own desires and when I am “prone to wander” (which is often), He literally yanks me back in like He’s got me on some strong leash. It startles me at times, but I feel protected by Him incredibly. I honestly attribute a lot of that to the time I spend in Galatians and discipling others in Galatians, cause if I did not have that at my center, and if I were not staying actively in the Word, there is no telling what I would have done or do in regard to that “demon”. I HAVE to have constant re-visitation to the Word of Truth and being in position to teach it keeps me in it and accountable….and I require that to keep me on the path. I think that is one BIG thing that is missing in your life and the one thing that could make a huge difference in your struggles. I’m sorry, but the Unity church you attend from time to time does not have the capability to give you that. I think it is something you could do on your own if you were self-motivated in that direction, so I don’t think you have to get it from a church, per se. But a lot of my growth in the gospel has been as a result of being in a rich, gospel community of believers. I wish there was a “Grace Community Church” there near you….where they use Tim Keller’s materials for classes. But I remember you having the entire Galatians stuff I gave you, leader material and all. If somehow, you could find a way to get into it and really process it, I think you would love it and find that it speaks to everything we go through. I would be glad for you and I to have a time where we talk about just that each week. Maybe the summer is a good time to consider it. I’m just sayin’….

Three: Yeah…the message that you are sending to your "friend" saddens me too. I often wonder what messages my independence sends to John. *Sigh* So….I guess the next question is: What are you going to do about it? What will you change in order for him to feel unconditionally loved? What does God need to work into you before you can even honestly send an unconditional love message? What will it take for you to get to a place where you do not NEED those things from him or any man? Desire, yes. Need??? Well, that is another ballpark altogether, right? (Again, I find the answers to these type questions when I am thick in the Word….and Galatians is just a focal point that keeps me hopping all over Scripture for answers.)

Four: Yes, I think anything we “struggle” with is our painful trial. So, the questions I mentioned in yesterday’s blog are questions we must take time to ask, listen, process, repent and turn in faith again to Jesus when He speaks to them. At least, that is what I think….if true freedom and healing from our addictions is truly what we want most. Honestly, if I continue in the same way that I always have and have the audacity to complain about it, but then am not willing to honestly address my issues and do something about it, I am really saying that I don’t want to change. I want everyone else around me to change but I want to continue to do as I want and get what I want. (Oh…we’ve cycled back around to “self-gratification” again, haven’t we??) It reminds me of the guy at the Pool of Bethesda in John 5. Here is a guy who had been invalid for 38 years. He lied near this Pool that was known to have healing waters for a long time. One day Jesus saw him lying there and asked him an interesting question: Do you want to get well? The dude had some excuses (much like you and me):” I have no one to help me. When I try to go in, someone goes ahead of me.” The story doesn’t end there….but you can read it….but my point is that we all have the same opportunity afforded us to “get well”, but we have to want it bad enough to respond in faith to the call of repentance – change. I guess what I might ask you to consider over the summer is: What are 5 things that need to change in your own personal growth and maturity and discipline? I’m not suggesting you “work that up” in your own strength, because chances are when you think of the 5 things or 2 things or whatever, they will be much like my weight loss issue: HARD, IMPOSSIBLE, NOT REALLY THINKING THAT IS ALL THAT OF A BIG DEAL, etc…The things that are linked to the arrogance, self-reliance, pride and personal weakness.
For me, when I first started thinking about the Lap-Band surgery, it wasn’t because I thought I had an incredible weight issue or because I knew there were some underlying other issues. I was going to have the Lap-Band because I needed to “lose a little weight and it would help my joint pain”. So….one of my painful trials was the stupid insurance company’s policies. And look at what God was doing all along. He set me up. But He set me up to free me far beyond what I had the vision to see. He came alongside me at the Pool of Bethesda, and in so many words said: “Do you want to get well?” His idea of “well” had way much more to do with than just my joint pain. See how small-minded we are? How self-deceived we are? Yeah….you got it right, girlfriend! WE NEED A SAVIOR….a Rescue….and we have ONE!!! So why are we so slow to turn to Him?? In Him is the real Need-Meeter for wanting to be desired, enjoyed and affectionately delighted in. He wants you to have an affair with Him, but a life-long one so that when He “props you up by the great jukebox in the heavens” you will be very comfortable in His presence cause you will have already spent so much time there.

Time and Struggle

I’ve been thinking this week about the relationship between time and struggle. I don’t know about you, but when I am struggling my focus seems to go so quickly to “how soon will this be over?” I analyze and try to figure out how to fix the struggle, how to stop the pain and discomfort that usually goes with struggle and I often, if not always, come up frustrated with my failed attempts. I’m a “fixer” and “controller” by nature. It comes so naturally for me and even though I have “died to flesh” spiritually; physically and practically it often doesn’t look like it.

The apostle Peter wrote something startling about this subject: “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice….” (I Pet. 4:12-13a) I know this doesn’t sound like good news…and actually the context here is about suffering because of the name of Christ. That is not often what brings about my sufferings and struggles. Most of the time, I am struggling because of my own sin and self-centered ways. However, I do think we can take something hopeful away from this passage, no matter what our struggle. First, struggles are part of this temporal life. Because of the sin of our forefather, Adam and our subsequent sin, life happens and things break and fall apart. We struggle. I should not be surprised at this reality. It might even be helpful for me to expect it. I’m not talking about being a pessimistic “Eyeore” who looks for negative things around every corner and sulks in self-pity. Rather to realize that suffering and struggles come to all of us and are part of a sinful world that we inhabit. Secondly, we are told to rejoice. “How in the world am I suppose to rejoice when my world is falling apart or when I experience hurt and disappointment and disillusion?” Perhaps this very circumstance that I find myself in today has been tailor-made for me by my Creator. He knows us so well and intimately. He knows what will get our attention and turn our focus to Him. He knows what lies we are currently believing that keep us in bondage when He has freed us and wants us to live free. What difference would it make if I were to ask the following questions of my struggle: “Father, what exactly would You have me rejoice in? What is it that You want me to see and embrace about You in this ordeal? What do You want me to see and acknowledge about myself that needs repentance?” I know from experience that when I hear Him speak back to me out of those type questions, He is faithful to show me things that ultimately I can rejoice in. No, I might never rejoice about the specific struggle and the negative emotions that go with it, but when I can see the bigger picture of what He is doing and what He is wanting to reveal in me, then I have something to rejoice about. In the midst of the struggle, I can say with Job: “Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him.” (Job 13:15 – NIV) Thirdly, I find power in the midst of my struggles when I turn to Him. In 2 Corinthians chapter 4, Paul talks about being “hard-pressed on every side, perplexed, and struck down, always carrying around in our body the death of Jesus” (suffering and struggles). Yet, he also tells why this is so. “..so that His Life may also be revealed in our body…Life is at work in us.” When I cooperate with Life Himself, in my earthen, clay body, I have this all-surpassing power that is from God. I may be hard-pressed on every side, but I am not crushed. I may be perplexed, but I am not in despair. I may even be persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. There is hope in the midst of my greatest struggles. It is a matter of where or Who will I turn.

I choose today, in the midst of my current struggles, to “commit myself to My faithful Creator and continue to do good.” (I Peter 4:19b) He is good, trustworthy and faithful. He adores me and has my best interests at heart. Where else can I go, but to Him?

I've Got Issues!

I’m sure there are many people in my life that would have loved to tell me that I use my “spirituality” to cope. However, I have met someone who apparently has nothing to lose by telling me that. There were two main questions in my Weight Loss homework for this week.

1) List your three most important values (and I was to choose from a list they gave me).
2) List four obstacles that always stand in your way and prevent you from keeping weight off.

Little did I realize what all would come out of answering these two questions. On the first question, my health was certainly not on top priority of values. To which the doctor asked me, “So without your health…or if you are in a hospital because of poor health, how will you be of any value to the three things you listed?” It was a good point she was making. To which, I had nothing to say.

As for the four obstacles, I will share them with you and see if you can relate:

1) Feeling that I am being deprived of what I want
2) Justifying an indulgence and making excuses for doing so
3) Once I plateau, discouragement sets in and I convince myself “this is ridiculous; I’m not going to continue this”
4) Comfort foods to compensate for a loss

So, here I am being honest and transparent with the doctor and nurse (as well as you) and she says to me, “So, you are self-indulgent and you rationalize. You need to continue to delay gratification and even make sacrifices. If you go into a Third World country, there you will find true deprivation, malnutrition and poverty. You live in the ‘land of plenty’ and that is one of the problems of obesity. You are experiencing withdrawal from the food that you have habitually comforted yourself with. This is an addiction and it takes time to break habits and addictions. This is why the 6-week rehab of ‘resting your stomach’”. Yeah….that’s another thing she told me. Much like we need a vacation from our daily stresses and time to rest and allow the mind to rest, so does our stomach need a vacation. So , I am to continue on without indulging in foods I want and crave and give my stomach a vacation. (Have you ever heard of such a thing?) But, I am telling you as I was sitting there, looking her square in the eye, it made so much sense. She brings her chair right up close to me, looks over my homework and then begins to speak very boldly into my life. She is not afraid to do so and is not concerned with hurting my feelings. She is an amazing lady and I respect her. At one point, I gave her the indication that I knew better what I needed. She smiled and never lost eye contact. You know what her smile was asking? “Are you going to let me be the doctor?” And to her smile, I answered, “If that is what you think I need, I will do what you tell me.” You just know when you are in that kind of position to simply bow in submission and say, “Yes ma’am.”

Another thing that was very interesting to me. They asked me to think of what I most crave right now and then tell them how that food relates to my childhood. Do I remember having that often as a child? Did I never get that as a child? Was having that food as a child related to a special memory or occasion that I found enjoyable? So, as I thought about the question, I realized that we never had chips and salty type snacks available to us as children. I asked my Mom to confirm this to me and she said it just was not something they purchased and had in the house. What is happening is that emotionally I want/crave that which I could never have growing up. I want to self-indulge and satisfy that craving now as an adult. I learned at some point to comfort myself with that particular type of food once I could control what I could have.

So as you can probably see, today was another one of those “heavy processing” days for me. I will continue to process and think about these things because I know that it is helpful for me to do so. I went away with the resolve to continue on. Push through the craving and temptation times; continue to delay gratification; remember that it is the children in Africa and other Third World countries that are truly deprived. All of this is such a mental exercise. As Joan of Arc said, “All battles are first won or lost in the mind.” It really makes a difference to have someone who knows what they are talking about to speak boldly into your life. Today I just need to stay focused. Stay on track. Keep peddling. Even though all this sounds like “doing” and “working”, which is so against what I teach about grace and resting, I realize that actually this is cooperating with the truth of what I already know to be true of who I am in Christ. So, I will continue to cooperate and be a participant in this miracle.

Be Careful Little Feet Where You Weigh

So here is the deal today. I am feeling somewhat discouraged. I was at Women's Fitness Gym yesterday showing the Miche purses and while in the restroom couldn't help but notice their scales. You gotta understand that I really do not want the focus to be about the number on the scales, so I promised myself I would only weigh when I go to Dr. Sarmiento's office. But the scale was right there, calling me and so I slipped off my sandals and got on. According to the measurement, it read the same number as what I had weighed last Wednesday. "Hmmm....how can that be," I wondered. Immediately, a wave of discouragement came over me. "See...this is why we avoid the scales between doctor visits," I thought. So then today, I joined Curves. I had been planning on it for over a week and knew that I needed something to motivate my regular exercise. Of course, as part of the joining process, what do they do?? They ask you to place your little feet on the scale. It registered 3 additional pounds. "Ok, what's happening? This is exactly what happens...I follow the program to the letter and get no results?" More discouragement. The other night while doing some of my homework it asked that you list the four obstacles that always stand in my way and prevent me from keeping weight off. One of the main obstacles that I wrote was: Once I plateau, discouragement sets in and I convince myself that this is ridiculous to be doing this. Discouragement is such a mean thing. It's attempt is to try to persuade you from staying on course. I can't let it. I must maintain the courage to press on and not focus on the scales. Tonight I am suppose to make a list from Romans 1-8 about what I learn about the "law". I'm sure as I run to the Bread of Life doing this exercise I will find the encouraging nourishment I need to keep me on the path I am on. I refuse to give in to the voice of discouragement and I need to be careful little feet where I weigh.