Chocolate Cake Batter in India

These are some children from an orphanage in India where I will be visiting in just a couple of weeks. They had been learning to bake a cake in this picture and doing the very thing I love to do when I bake a cake: lick the bowl and enjoy the batter! Yum! Maybe we will relate to each other after all. It seems the enjoyment of cake batter is universal and cross-cultural, so perhaps my personal story about how much God loves to lavish His extravagant forgiveness and mercy to me will travel across the ocean and reach the hearts of these precious Indian people. As I reflect today on my upcoming trip, I find my heart is anxious about several things. Finances...but then what's new about that? Cross-cultural relevance...but then whose responsibility is that really? Will I like the food or should I take my own? Will my senses be so much on overload that I want to scream and rush back to the airport to go home? Isn't it funny how quick we are to fret and fear? I don't want to give in to those common, natural emotions though. I don't want that to be the main focus of my attention. I want to say with Abraham in Genesis 22, "Here am I." And I want to trust in the provision of my Provider. I want to be excited about the awesome opportunity and experience this trip promises to be. I want to give in to the whole thing; to embrace whatever is in store for me and the others with spontaneity and adventure. I just want to move among a different people for a couple of weeks and see where God is at work there. I know He is. His love and delight isn't just American. His mercy and faithfulness is cross-cultural and universal. Open my eyes, broaden my view and perspective beyond my own little bubble of a world. There is a great big world out there....and there is more going on it than my concern of whether my weight maintenance is on schedule or not. (More on that in the next post, as I know that several of my blog followers are curious about where things stand in regard to my weight loss journey.)

What If?

What if you made the wrong decision that affected another person’s life? I mean, really affected that person’s life? What if he really wasn’t the one and he was sentenced to 90 years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit? What if you were one of the ones responsible for that wrong verdict? I have been told (and told others), “It is never a good idea to do the whole ‘what if’ thing.” But still…..it is human nature to question and doubt. In the midst of these kinds of overwhelmingly mixed emotions, it is so easy to gravitate toward food as comfort or distraction. I feel like this week has been the biggest test I have experienced since the beginning of my weight loss journey. I would have never thought of myself as one who ate for comfort. But I know it is true. Actually, I think we all do. But this is my story….not everyone else’s right now. So, yesterday after the final moments in court, I drove into a familiar Zaxby’s. And yes, I ordered the homemade potato chips, extra crispy with light seasoning: all 800 calories of them. I ate about one third of them and was disappointed. They were not extra crispy and they left me without comfort. I realized I didn’t even like them. I couldn’t wait to get the remains out of my car. I continued to drive and drive….and wound up at a place I have recently come to enjoy in downtown Asheville. (I know….big surprise….most of my friends and family know that downtown Asheville is one of my least favored spots.) However, as I parked in the garage and made my way up the street through the doorway to “the place to sip, snack and relax”, it became apparent what truly comforted me. I ordered a chicken salad and a Lavendar Pear Martini. And I sipped, snacked and relaxed. It was good for the soul. It wasn’t the potato chips that successfully comforted. Neither was it the chicken salad or the martini. Rather, the space and atmosphere that surrounded and enveloped me gave me that sense of retreat and calm that I was craving in my chaotic mind. Earlier that morning, in another parking garage…outside the courthouse…I opened my Bible to a familiar passage from Isaiah. It read, “Behold my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen, in whom my soul delights; I have put My Spirit upon Him; He will bring forth justice to the nations. He will not cry aloud or lift up His voice, or make it heard in the streets; a bruised reed (poor and needy) He will not break, and a faintly burning wick (representing someone close to losing faith and hope) He will not quench; He will faithfully bring forth justice. He will not grow faint or be discouraged till He has established justice in the earth; and the coastlands wait for His law.” There is no need in my “what if-ing”. He will establish justice. The Prince of Peace will bring forth and establish justice – His way and in His time. I might as well not cave into false guilt, emotion or doubt. I don’t need to “feed” those negative, harmful enemies. They leave me dissatisfied and hungry every time. I can turn, in faith, once again even if it is just a minute amount of faith and He will not quench my small flicker of a flame of hope. I can trust that He will see me through. What if the Servant of the Most High God redeems even a wrong verdict with His sure justice? Just what if?

Mr. Lamb

When my nephew, Levi, was born I took Mr. Lamb to the hospital. The soft, cuddly stuffed animal that played the tune Jesus Loves Me, quickly became his favored possession. Everywhere Levi went, Mr. Lamb was sure to go. Today he is worn and ragged and not so clung to anymore, but this comfortable “security blanket” has done the job he was meant to do. I thought about Mr. Lamb this morning in terms of my weight issue. Being overweight and gravitating toward certain foods is much like clinging to Mr. Lamb. Webster’s defines comfort this way: to soothe, console or reassure; a feeling of relief or consolation; a state of ease and satisfaction; something that promotes such a state. Anytime Levi was going to spend the night at Grandma and Papa’s it always brought a state of ease or comfort as long as Mr. Lamb went too. Whenever the cuddly animal was left at home, we had to make a u-turn and go back to get him. Being overweight becomes a state in which you feel comfortable. You come to accept yourself as the size you are. You cannot imagine you any other way. My weight had become in part, my security blanket. Eating certain foods brought emotional satisfaction. Without realizing it, I subconsciously turned to certain foods for relief, for comfort. Macaroni and cheese, potato chips, all kinds of yummy breads and CAKE! Homemade pound cake, chocolate cake, Mama Jean’s strawberry cake, cupcakes and the list goes on. Oh! And Krispy Kreme doughnuts called my name especially if the “hot sign” was on. When I would have a good Aloette show or a Bible study would be especially encouraging, I rewarded that sense of accomplishment with a hot, glazed doughnut on the way home. Or if I had a yucky Aloette show or the Bible study left me feeling like nothing I said made sense to anyone, I found comfort in stopping for the doughnut or the McDonald’s French fries.

The comfort I found was a substitute – no, a counterfeit. It masqueraded as relief and satisfaction when in reality it was very deceptive. I ended up obese at potential risk of multiple health problems. The extra weight on my joints produced the first of my health risks. Addicted to an eating lifestyle that was crippling me as well as holding me back from doing some enjoyable things, I finally realized that I needed to make some changes. Yes, I needed to watch what I ate and lose some weight. But more importantly than that, I needed to see that an underlying issue was in looking deeply into why I was overweight. Seeing that I turn to food for comfort instead of seeking the Comforter was a bigger heart issue. At first I had to simply refuse myself the things that I had learned to crave. As I have said before, I had to agree to go into “rehab” and break the habits I had formed. In that process, I also began to acknowledge the unhealthy reasons and motivations for looking to food. Could I exchange the counterfeit of food as comfort for the real Source of comfort and reassurance? Once I saw how ridiculous the counterfeit was, it changed my mind and my heart.

“All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, He brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of His healing comfort…we had hard times….it was so bad we didn’t think we were going to make it. We thought it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally – not a bad idea since He’s the God who raises the dead! And He did it, rescued us from certain doom. And He’ll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-10 – The Message)

Living Life Freely & Lightly

August 28, 2009

Well….August is almost over and I haven’t written here the whole month. I’m sorry. All is well….it has just been a busy month. At the end of July, we celebrated Luke’s 21st birthday. Then I went to the beach for a week with 3 awesome friends. When I returned, we dived in to planning Elizabeth’s birthday celebration. Now, the fall teaching schedule starts with me serving on two round tables and time has just flown past me without my permission. However, I have had some things on my mind.

While at the beach, I decided to continue my workout routine at the local Curves. That is one of the benefits of that particular gym; when you are a member of one, you’re a member of all. One morning one of the girls vacationing with me mentioned how impressive that was that I would do that. I did thank her for her kind words, but then responded, “You know, that is one of our mentalities that is not good. We tend to think when we are on vacation, we should do whatever we want which usually includes indulging ourselves with food that we wouldn’t normally have.” My previous thought pattern has been similar to the one our society has around holidays too. But what I realize is actually happening in me is a new way of thinking….a whole new lifestyle of eating patterns that continue no matter where you are or what season of the year it is. For me, I really have learned to ask myself why I am wanting “this or that”? Am I really hungry? Is this the best choice for me right now? How much is it costing me? Of course, I mean “how many calories is it costing me”? I have started a new motivation to that concept by putting dollar marks in front of the number of calories a particular food is. For example: those infamous Zaxby’s homemade potato chips…they are $800. Now, would it make any sense for me to actually spend $800 on potato chips? Would I really do that? Of course not! That is absurd! So, why would I spend 800 of my 800 calorie a day allowance on them?? I mean, even if I were going to have 1000-1200 calories a day, would it be a wise expense? Not to mention the other questions that now go through my head – “How much protein is there in the chips?” “How long will they satisfy me before my body will need something else…something better for me”? Once I process all that…and it usually doesn’t even take me longer than about a minute, I realize I don’t really even want them anymore. Most likely I never WANTED them….I just CRAVED them…and use to indulge with no thought whatsoever. Remember?? “I was not mindful of what I ate or what it cost me.” It is amazing to me how my heart and mind has really been changed from the inside out on this issue. I am still sticking to between 800-1000 calories a day, with most days being between 800-870. I work out regularly at Curves and progressing daily on each machine, burning an average of 375 calories a workout. I feel great. I have dropped 2-3 full sizes in my clothes. I walk up and down stairs like I am suppose to with one foot in front of the other. While at the beach, we stayed in a third floor condo and I only used the elevator the first night we got there to haul our luggage up. After that, I used the stairs every time we came or went. For Elizabeth’s birthday, she requested that we rent costumes from the flapper era of the 1920’s to wear to the musical Chicago. Had I not lost my weight and dropped these clothes sizes, I could have never done that with her. The reason I am listing all these things is because I realized something significant: these are all things I could not do freely 3 months ago. When I celebrated my birthday in March, I avoided all stairs like the plaque and gravitated to the elevator or moving stairs. I parked as close to the store as I could possibly get and would drive around the parking lot until a close space opened up. When I would get up from my seat at the theatre at the end of a movie and begin to make my way down the stairs, I never put one foot in front of the other….rather I placed my right foot on the step and then the right foot again and so on. I walked like an older person. I never wanted to go on walks. Now, I am searching the internet for local waterfalls to walk to. I want to rent a bicycle to ride. While I don’t “enjoy” working out at Curves, I do feel better after having spent my time there…and feel like I am missing something in my day if I don’t go. Who is this new Cynthia? Where did the other girl go? I am still me, but my mind and heart has been changed in regard to food, health, exercise and you know what is even way cooler than all that? My hope is renewed. My faith is strengthened. My belief in God who cares about everything that concerns me is firmer than ever. The goal is no longer the goal. The number on the scale is not my focus. Living life freely and lightly is my focus. I feel lighter….and I don’t just mean physically. God is so good. He has done this…and I cannot take the credit or glory.

What If The Desired Goal Does Not Happen?

I gained a half a pound this week. Now I know that is not much to speak of….however, that means I did not lose any this week. Uh oh….see…that is not good. So of course, as you can imagine, I started obsessing the “whys” and “hows” of how this could happen. Let me digress a moment from the point of this post to clue some curious ones in to some specifics that I have yet to share in this blog. I started on this journey on May 20, 2009. Since that date, I have lost 26 lbs. I am far from the place the doctor wants to see me get to, but I am well on my way and I have been pleased with the results so far. While it has not been easy, it is working and I encourage anyone to let yourself give in to a program like this for at least 8 weeks and I think you will see a “turn” take place that makes it a bit easier.

However, as I was starting to say….be careful of what your real desired goal is. As I was driving home from my Curves workout today, the question hit me, “What if the desired goal never happens?” I mean, I hate to be so morbid sounding (but since I am morbidly obese still, I guess I can sound morbid. L I know…that was a really bad pun) but several years ago my dear friend, Brenda Briggs joined Weight Watcher’s in an effort to take off quite a few pounds, which she was successful in doing. Less than a year later, she suddenly died of a brain tumor. I often thought, “She did all that work and lost all that weight for nothing. She was going to die an early death anyway. She could have just continued to enjoy her eating habits.” So, although I agree with my doctor that I do need to be very concerned about my health and even give it high priority right now, even that cannot be my goal. I could desire to be a size 10 again so I can try on my wedding dress and actually fit into it, but it better not be my goal. The magic number on the scale that I “should” weigh cannot be my goal. To look great in a size 8 pair of jeans by my 50th birthday would not be a wise goal. To be able to look myself in the mirror naked and hear myself honestly say, “Wow! I really do look not only fabulous, but desirable!” is still not a goal that would be good for me to have. By now, you are probably thinking that I am crazy. I admit, it sounds unnatural, other-worldly or something so unreachable that people might disregard this post altogether. But try to hear me out…these are just some of the things that I think God may have placed in my mind and heart. At best, it is my story….for me….and you can do with it what you want.

Whatever is our “goal” can lure us into a contest that God never meant for us to compete in. If any of the above ideas become my focus, it will cause me to be driven, obsessive, discouraged and will ultimately set me up to fail even if I “win the contest”. In a book I am reading the author said this about dieting: Dieting often backfires by setting us up for a lifetime of yo-yo weight gains and losses.” (Weight of Grace; Paula Neall Coleman) Without addressing the heart issues that lie underneath the weight problem to start with, this “yo-yo” sabotage is sure to happen. I can already see it playing out that way as I obsess over the number on the scale. It would go something like this: I set a goal. Let’s say for example, my goal is to get my weight down to 140 lbs and that my joints would no longer throb and ache. Good, healthy, realistic goal, right? So I set out on this path and make some good head-way (losing 26 pounds) and all of a sudden instead of losing some more this week, I gain a half a pound. On top of that, my right leg’s joints have throbbed a little more than usual. So I think to myself, “Oh my gosh! This is not good! I thought I was supposed to lose at least 2-3 pounds a week! I thought my joints would be healed by now or at best, feeling a lot better than 10 weeks ago! I gotta step up the pace here…I’ve gotta really be more careful about testing the waters with something other than shakes and bars. I gotta make sure I don’t miss going to Curves not for one day. I think I’ll have some sunflower seeds…oops…better just have a handful instead of a quarter of an ounce.” Driven, obsessing all about the contest I have going on with myself. Yet, that certain number on the scale can be so appealing. It draws me in like a magnet. Before I know it, I am trapped in this crazy dieting frenzy. Then, if I do end up reaching the “goal”, I will be driven to keep the goal in place. If I miss the “goal”, I will be discouraged and possibly even give up or be resentful. The whole thing cannot be about “contest”.

Do I really want to lose weight and see my health be at a better place in my latter years? Of course I do. Is that bad? No, I don’t think so at all. By now, I actually believe God Himself has put that desire, commitment and determination in my heart. However, none of that can be my “goal” if I expect to continue living a lifestyle change of making wiser, healthier choices for myself. But what if I give in to the process of looking at my heart issues that are beneath all of my unhealthy way of making choices? Proverbs says, “For as he thinks within himself, so he is.” (Proverbs 23:7) Out of the heart springs forth how we act, respond and behave. Our heart is revealed in and by what we do whether outward or in secret. Remember the first week that I met with Dr. Sarmiento? She said something that exposed my heart; “You are not mindful of what you eat or what it costs you health-wise.” Oh, I remember…it stung like a razor. It cut deep and past the chase and resonated as truth. I was convicted. There was no where to squirm or hide after that exposure. The only wise response was for me to decide what I was going to do with this new revelation. That part of my heart that is not completely yielded perfectly to the reality of my risen identity in Jesus still has some growing and conforming to do. “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son.” (Romans 8:28-29)
If I make “being mindful of what I eat” my “goal” or desired result, it changes the whole dynamic. It motivates me from within instead of from a “try-harder” mentality. When I gain a half a pound (or 10), learning to be mindful can become my friend and lead me to see where I can make a better choice tomorrow. Being mindful can cause me to think on the things that God deems important instead of my superficial insignificances. Being mindful can free me from the vicious trap of focusing on the scale, the figure, the clothes size, etc. Being mindful can be my first step of looking intently at the heart and desiring for it to reflect the glory of Jesus more than the glory of myself. That is a noble goal…and it is a desired result that He will see to it happens! It was His idea, by the way.

Sh-- ....I mean, Life happens!!

Do you realize that we live in a fallen world? One where sin, failure, disappointment, unmet expectations, hurt, stress and frustration actually happens on a daily basis? Even though I am completely aware of this reality, I often am surprised when these things crop into my day, my relationships and my life. You can always tell by the way I respond to these maladies. When my response is, “Oh shit! Can you believe this is happening to me?” I find myself almost wanting to put the bumper sticker “shit happens” on my car. (Not sure it would be a very nice testimony, but it would express how I feel at times.) But you know, really what happens is….LIFE! Life happens. We live in a fallen world where things break and fall apart; financially, relationally, physically, etc. None of us are exempt from it. There is no vaccine to avoid it. Even my surprise that I experience is part of my humanity.

Today I am reminded that we have been created for something bigger….bigger than ourselves, bigger than our realities and bigger than what is happening around me right now. Jesus spoke of it in the gospel of John when He announced His purpose for stooping to our humanity: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10 – ESV) What if we were to express “LIFE HAPPENS!” when we feel like expressing the expletive? What difference would it make in mine and your experiences of daily life if we were to acknowledge that whatever is coming our way today is for a grander purpose than we presently realize?

In my struggle to press on through this difficult and challenging weight loss program, I get side-tracked and distracted mentally and emotionally. I see my glaring issues and the issues of others around me and think about how much I am entitled to this or that. I make the present struggle the main thing, when God’s bigger purpose for which He created me for is the real main thing. When I give in to the enemy’s myriad voices that attempt to lure me, I lose the ability to experience the abundance that Jesus has for me in His Life. He is Life personified….and He is promising that in the midst of all that the thief wants to steal from me, He will give His abundant provision of Life to me. Once again, my focus is off. My perspective needs changing back to the One who gives a true perspective regardless of whatever situation we may find ourselves in. What we are going through is not the end of the world. It may hurt. It may be very painful and difficult. We may think we cannot bear much more or much longer. But the King of the kingdom of which we were created for is in control. He is Life….and He gives Life abundantly. He will see us through….and He will pursue making us into His original, intended design that makes us fit for His kingdom work. I decided sometime today that I really do want to cooperate with what He is doing in the bigger scheme of things. I know that I will have to be reminded of this choice and probably re-affirm it over and over, but that is because I am part of a fallen world where LIFE HAPPENS!

Pressing on through difficulty

I don’t feel very strong today at all. Actually, this whole week has been a difficult one and I’m quite aware of my weakness. I think I come across as someone who is strong and has it all together. One who rarely struggles, but looks like she is always on top of whatever life is handing her. However, this is one week when I could have truly benefitted from someone stronger than me, someone intuitive and courageous enough to come alongside me in my struggle. I know that the Someone I really need is always there for me. His strength is perfected in my weakness, the Scripture says. Yet, today I am not even sensing His comfort. It’s not His fault, because in reality it is there….I am just looking for it elsewhere.

For the first time in the seven weeks I have been on this Weight Loss Program, I am finding myself with feelings of resentment. I walk into my own house and the aroma of the barbeque chicken is amazing. Oh my gosh! I find myself wishing I hadn’t come home. You see, the doctor strongly suggested on Wednesday that I go through another
6-week round of phase one. This means I continue on the 800 calories per day to include protein shakes and bars. Just when I thought I would add a “real meal” to each day, I am encouraged to go another 6 weeks without. I actually agree that it is the best route to take at this time. Therefore, I consented to it. However, the reality of the need for that has sunk in. Thus the resentment; toward myself and toward others who are not on the program with me. Especially the ones who need to be (in my perception) and who claim they are “watching their diet” too. If you are really not interested in doing something about your weight, then at least be honest and say so. Don’t pretend you are, don’t pretend you are losing weight too while eating crazy amounts of calories around me while I am limited to shakes and bars. I want to scream these thoughts to some around me, but of course, I don’t. My surroundings are affecting my resolve, this I admit. I also am honestly resentful of myself and for the years of not being mindful of what and how I eat. I have caused injury to my own health and now I must do something about that. So, I resent the fact that I have had such a cavalier attitude about it until now. I have no one to blame but myself. I can project the blame elsewhere and it is certainly convenient to do that with those closest to me, but it is not the answer. This I realize.

So…where do I go with this? First of all, I recognize the hard facts that it is going to take time, discipline and hard work to get healthy. Secondly, I assume responsibility for that task only upon myself. I cannot expect anyone else to “go the journey” with me. This is a very personal and private journey and I must go it alone. In that respect, others around me do have to eat. (Or so they think they do.) So, I will have to push past the arousing temptations that lure me. Stay focused on my own decision. Stand firm in my own freedom and not give in, no matter how much my cravings and desires tug at me. Direct my attention elsewhere; reading a book, knit on one of my endless unfinished projects, start a new project like the sewing class, study for the Bible study class, go for a walk, go to a movie, call a friend, etc. Even being willing to admit, “This is really, really hard….and emotionally painful.” Learning to let others be where they are while I am where I am is a lifelong lesson. Just when I think I am doing pretty good at this, there seems to be a new season or circumstance to challenge me and grow me further in this practice of grace. I need to remember to give myself some grace too in this. I have failed myself and my Creator and yet His mercy, grace and forgiveness is ever upon me. He has forgiven me, He is forgiving me and He will forgive me. His mercy is new every morning. Great is His faithfulness, even when I have been faithless. I turn now to Him and choose in this moment to allow His comfort to wash over me. “I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward – to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back. So let’s keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision – you’ll see it yet! Now that we’re on the right track, let’s stay on it.”
(Philippians 3:12-16 – The Message)