I gained a half a pound this week. Now I know that is not much to speak of….however, that means I did not lose any this week. Uh oh….see…that is not good. So of course, as you can imagine, I started obsessing the “whys” and “hows” of how this could happen. Let me digress a moment from the point of this post to clue some curious ones in to some specifics that I have yet to share in this blog. I started on this journey on May 20, 2009. Since that date, I have lost 26 lbs. I am far from the place the doctor wants to see me get to, but I am well on my way and I have been pleased with the results so far. While it has not been easy, it is working and I encourage anyone to let yourself give in to a program like this for at least 8 weeks and I think you will see a “turn” take place that makes it a bit easier.
However, as I was starting to say….be careful of what your real desired goal is. As I was driving home from my Curves workout today, the question hit me, “What if the desired goal never happens?” I mean, I hate to be so morbid sounding (but since I am morbidly obese still, I guess I can sound morbid. L I know…that was a really bad pun) but several years ago my dear friend, Brenda Briggs joined Weight Watcher’s in an effort to take off quite a few pounds, which she was successful in doing. Less than a year later, she suddenly died of a brain tumor. I often thought, “She did all that work and lost all that weight for nothing. She was going to die an early death anyway. She could have just continued to enjoy her eating habits.” So, although I agree with my doctor that I do need to be very concerned about my health and even give it high priority right now, even that cannot be my goal. I could desire to be a size 10 again so I can try on my wedding dress and actually fit into it, but it better not be my goal. The magic number on the scale that I “should” weigh cannot be my goal. To look great in a size 8 pair of jeans by my 50th birthday would not be a wise goal. To be able to look myself in the mirror naked and hear myself honestly say, “Wow! I really do look not only fabulous, but desirable!” is still not a goal that would be good for me to have. By now, you are probably thinking that I am crazy. I admit, it sounds unnatural, other-worldly or something so unreachable that people might disregard this post altogether. But try to hear me out…these are just some of the things that I think God may have placed in my mind and heart. At best, it is my story….for me….and you can do with it what you want.
Whatever is our “goal” can lure us into a contest that God never meant for us to compete in. If any of the above ideas become my focus, it will cause me to be driven, obsessive, discouraged and will ultimately set me up to fail even if I “win the contest”. In a book I am reading the author said this about dieting: Dieting often backfires by setting us up for a lifetime of yo-yo weight gains and losses.” (Weight of Grace; Paula Neall Coleman) Without addressing the heart issues that lie underneath the weight problem to start with, this “yo-yo” sabotage is sure to happen. I can already see it playing out that way as I obsess over the number on the scale. It would go something like this: I set a goal. Let’s say for example, my goal is to get my weight down to 140 lbs and that my joints would no longer throb and ache. Good, healthy, realistic goal, right? So I set out on this path and make some good head-way (losing 26 pounds) and all of a sudden instead of losing some more this week, I gain a half a pound. On top of that, my right leg’s joints have throbbed a little more than usual. So I think to myself, “Oh my gosh! This is not good! I thought I was supposed to lose at least 2-3 pounds a week! I thought my joints would be healed by now or at best, feeling a lot better than 10 weeks ago! I gotta step up the pace here…I’ve gotta really be more careful about testing the waters with something other than shakes and bars. I gotta make sure I don’t miss going to Curves not for one day. I think I’ll have some sunflower seeds…oops…better just have a handful instead of a quarter of an ounce.” Driven, obsessing all about the contest I have going on with myself. Yet, that certain number on the scale can be so appealing. It draws me in like a magnet. Before I know it, I am trapped in this crazy dieting frenzy. Then, if I do end up reaching the “goal”, I will be driven to keep the goal in place. If I miss the “goal”, I will be discouraged and possibly even give up or be resentful. The whole thing cannot be about “contest”.
Do I really want to lose weight and see my health be at a better place in my latter years? Of course I do. Is that bad? No, I don’t think so at all. By now, I actually believe God Himself has put that desire, commitment and determination in my heart. However, none of that can be my “goal” if I expect to continue living a lifestyle change of making wiser, healthier choices for myself. But what if I give in to the process of looking at my heart issues that are beneath all of my unhealthy way of making choices? Proverbs says, “For as he thinks within himself, so he is.” (Proverbs 23:7) Out of the heart springs forth how we act, respond and behave. Our heart is revealed in and by what we do whether outward or in secret. Remember the first week that I met with Dr. Sarmiento? She said something that exposed my heart; “You are not mindful of what you eat or what it costs you health-wise.” Oh, I remember…it stung like a razor. It cut deep and past the chase and resonated as truth. I was convicted. There was no where to squirm or hide after that exposure. The only wise response was for me to decide what I was going to do with this new revelation. That part of my heart that is not completely yielded perfectly to the reality of my risen identity in Jesus still has some growing and conforming to do. “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son.” (Romans 8:28-29)
If I make “being mindful of what I eat” my “goal” or desired result, it changes the whole dynamic. It motivates me from within instead of from a “try-harder” mentality. When I gain a half a pound (or 10), learning to be mindful can become my friend and lead me to see where I can make a better choice tomorrow. Being mindful can cause me to think on the things that God deems important instead of my superficial insignificances. Being mindful can free me from the vicious trap of focusing on the scale, the figure, the clothes size, etc. Being mindful can be my first step of looking intently at the heart and desiring for it to reflect the glory of Jesus more than the glory of myself. That is a noble goal…and it is a desired result that He will see to it happens! It was His idea, by the way.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Sh-- ....I mean, Life happens!!
Do you realize that we live in a fallen world? One where sin, failure, disappointment, unmet expectations, hurt, stress and frustration actually happens on a daily basis? Even though I am completely aware of this reality, I often am surprised when these things crop into my day, my relationships and my life. You can always tell by the way I respond to these maladies. When my response is, “Oh shit! Can you believe this is happening to me?” I find myself almost wanting to put the bumper sticker “shit happens” on my car. (Not sure it would be a very nice testimony, but it would express how I feel at times.) But you know, really what happens is….LIFE! Life happens. We live in a fallen world where things break and fall apart; financially, relationally, physically, etc. None of us are exempt from it. There is no vaccine to avoid it. Even my surprise that I experience is part of my humanity.
Today I am reminded that we have been created for something bigger….bigger than ourselves, bigger than our realities and bigger than what is happening around me right now. Jesus spoke of it in the gospel of John when He announced His purpose for stooping to our humanity: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10 – ESV) What if we were to express “LIFE HAPPENS!” when we feel like expressing the expletive? What difference would it make in mine and your experiences of daily life if we were to acknowledge that whatever is coming our way today is for a grander purpose than we presently realize?
In my struggle to press on through this difficult and challenging weight loss program, I get side-tracked and distracted mentally and emotionally. I see my glaring issues and the issues of others around me and think about how much I am entitled to this or that. I make the present struggle the main thing, when God’s bigger purpose for which He created me for is the real main thing. When I give in to the enemy’s myriad voices that attempt to lure me, I lose the ability to experience the abundance that Jesus has for me in His Life. He is Life personified….and He is promising that in the midst of all that the thief wants to steal from me, He will give His abundant provision of Life to me. Once again, my focus is off. My perspective needs changing back to the One who gives a true perspective regardless of whatever situation we may find ourselves in. What we are going through is not the end of the world. It may hurt. It may be very painful and difficult. We may think we cannot bear much more or much longer. But the King of the kingdom of which we were created for is in control. He is Life….and He gives Life abundantly. He will see us through….and He will pursue making us into His original, intended design that makes us fit for His kingdom work. I decided sometime today that I really do want to cooperate with what He is doing in the bigger scheme of things. I know that I will have to be reminded of this choice and probably re-affirm it over and over, but that is because I am part of a fallen world where LIFE HAPPENS!
Today I am reminded that we have been created for something bigger….bigger than ourselves, bigger than our realities and bigger than what is happening around me right now. Jesus spoke of it in the gospel of John when He announced His purpose for stooping to our humanity: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10 – ESV) What if we were to express “LIFE HAPPENS!” when we feel like expressing the expletive? What difference would it make in mine and your experiences of daily life if we were to acknowledge that whatever is coming our way today is for a grander purpose than we presently realize?
In my struggle to press on through this difficult and challenging weight loss program, I get side-tracked and distracted mentally and emotionally. I see my glaring issues and the issues of others around me and think about how much I am entitled to this or that. I make the present struggle the main thing, when God’s bigger purpose for which He created me for is the real main thing. When I give in to the enemy’s myriad voices that attempt to lure me, I lose the ability to experience the abundance that Jesus has for me in His Life. He is Life personified….and He is promising that in the midst of all that the thief wants to steal from me, He will give His abundant provision of Life to me. Once again, my focus is off. My perspective needs changing back to the One who gives a true perspective regardless of whatever situation we may find ourselves in. What we are going through is not the end of the world. It may hurt. It may be very painful and difficult. We may think we cannot bear much more or much longer. But the King of the kingdom of which we were created for is in control. He is Life….and He gives Life abundantly. He will see us through….and He will pursue making us into His original, intended design that makes us fit for His kingdom work. I decided sometime today that I really do want to cooperate with what He is doing in the bigger scheme of things. I know that I will have to be reminded of this choice and probably re-affirm it over and over, but that is because I am part of a fallen world where LIFE HAPPENS!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Pressing on through difficulty
I don’t feel very strong today at all. Actually, this whole week has been a difficult one and I’m quite aware of my weakness. I think I come across as someone who is strong and has it all together. One who rarely struggles, but looks like she is always on top of whatever life is handing her. However, this is one week when I could have truly benefitted from someone stronger than me, someone intuitive and courageous enough to come alongside me in my struggle. I know that the Someone I really need is always there for me. His strength is perfected in my weakness, the Scripture says. Yet, today I am not even sensing His comfort. It’s not His fault, because in reality it is there….I am just looking for it elsewhere.
For the first time in the seven weeks I have been on this Weight Loss Program, I am finding myself with feelings of resentment. I walk into my own house and the aroma of the barbeque chicken is amazing. Oh my gosh! I find myself wishing I hadn’t come home. You see, the doctor strongly suggested on Wednesday that I go through another
6-week round of phase one. This means I continue on the 800 calories per day to include protein shakes and bars. Just when I thought I would add a “real meal” to each day, I am encouraged to go another 6 weeks without. I actually agree that it is the best route to take at this time. Therefore, I consented to it. However, the reality of the need for that has sunk in. Thus the resentment; toward myself and toward others who are not on the program with me. Especially the ones who need to be (in my perception) and who claim they are “watching their diet” too. If you are really not interested in doing something about your weight, then at least be honest and say so. Don’t pretend you are, don’t pretend you are losing weight too while eating crazy amounts of calories around me while I am limited to shakes and bars. I want to scream these thoughts to some around me, but of course, I don’t. My surroundings are affecting my resolve, this I admit. I also am honestly resentful of myself and for the years of not being mindful of what and how I eat. I have caused injury to my own health and now I must do something about that. So, I resent the fact that I have had such a cavalier attitude about it until now. I have no one to blame but myself. I can project the blame elsewhere and it is certainly convenient to do that with those closest to me, but it is not the answer. This I realize.
So…where do I go with this? First of all, I recognize the hard facts that it is going to take time, discipline and hard work to get healthy. Secondly, I assume responsibility for that task only upon myself. I cannot expect anyone else to “go the journey” with me. This is a very personal and private journey and I must go it alone. In that respect, others around me do have to eat. (Or so they think they do.) So, I will have to push past the arousing temptations that lure me. Stay focused on my own decision. Stand firm in my own freedom and not give in, no matter how much my cravings and desires tug at me. Direct my attention elsewhere; reading a book, knit on one of my endless unfinished projects, start a new project like the sewing class, study for the Bible study class, go for a walk, go to a movie, call a friend, etc. Even being willing to admit, “This is really, really hard….and emotionally painful.” Learning to let others be where they are while I am where I am is a lifelong lesson. Just when I think I am doing pretty good at this, there seems to be a new season or circumstance to challenge me and grow me further in this practice of grace. I need to remember to give myself some grace too in this. I have failed myself and my Creator and yet His mercy, grace and forgiveness is ever upon me. He has forgiven me, He is forgiving me and He will forgive me. His mercy is new every morning. Great is His faithfulness, even when I have been faithless. I turn now to Him and choose in this moment to allow His comfort to wash over me. “I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward – to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back. So let’s keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision – you’ll see it yet! Now that we’re on the right track, let’s stay on it.”
(Philippians 3:12-16 – The Message)
For the first time in the seven weeks I have been on this Weight Loss Program, I am finding myself with feelings of resentment. I walk into my own house and the aroma of the barbeque chicken is amazing. Oh my gosh! I find myself wishing I hadn’t come home. You see, the doctor strongly suggested on Wednesday that I go through another
6-week round of phase one. This means I continue on the 800 calories per day to include protein shakes and bars. Just when I thought I would add a “real meal” to each day, I am encouraged to go another 6 weeks without. I actually agree that it is the best route to take at this time. Therefore, I consented to it. However, the reality of the need for that has sunk in. Thus the resentment; toward myself and toward others who are not on the program with me. Especially the ones who need to be (in my perception) and who claim they are “watching their diet” too. If you are really not interested in doing something about your weight, then at least be honest and say so. Don’t pretend you are, don’t pretend you are losing weight too while eating crazy amounts of calories around me while I am limited to shakes and bars. I want to scream these thoughts to some around me, but of course, I don’t. My surroundings are affecting my resolve, this I admit. I also am honestly resentful of myself and for the years of not being mindful of what and how I eat. I have caused injury to my own health and now I must do something about that. So, I resent the fact that I have had such a cavalier attitude about it until now. I have no one to blame but myself. I can project the blame elsewhere and it is certainly convenient to do that with those closest to me, but it is not the answer. This I realize.
So…where do I go with this? First of all, I recognize the hard facts that it is going to take time, discipline and hard work to get healthy. Secondly, I assume responsibility for that task only upon myself. I cannot expect anyone else to “go the journey” with me. This is a very personal and private journey and I must go it alone. In that respect, others around me do have to eat. (Or so they think they do.) So, I will have to push past the arousing temptations that lure me. Stay focused on my own decision. Stand firm in my own freedom and not give in, no matter how much my cravings and desires tug at me. Direct my attention elsewhere; reading a book, knit on one of my endless unfinished projects, start a new project like the sewing class, study for the Bible study class, go for a walk, go to a movie, call a friend, etc. Even being willing to admit, “This is really, really hard….and emotionally painful.” Learning to let others be where they are while I am where I am is a lifelong lesson. Just when I think I am doing pretty good at this, there seems to be a new season or circumstance to challenge me and grow me further in this practice of grace. I need to remember to give myself some grace too in this. I have failed myself and my Creator and yet His mercy, grace and forgiveness is ever upon me. He has forgiven me, He is forgiving me and He will forgive me. His mercy is new every morning. Great is His faithfulness, even when I have been faithless. I turn now to Him and choose in this moment to allow His comfort to wash over me. “I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward – to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back. So let’s keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision – you’ll see it yet! Now that we’re on the right track, let’s stay on it.”
(Philippians 3:12-16 – The Message)
Monday, June 29, 2009
Unrealistic Expectations
I think it was my second week into the “Rehab program” when I only lost one pound. To me, that was totally unacceptable. Some of my thoughts ran something like this: “No way! I’m not going to change my lifestyle this drastically to only get THIS result! This is not fair.” What I was really saying was, “I expect to lose the same amount every week that I lost the first week. I expect for this to not be so hard. I expect for this to not take so long.” There is nothing wrong with me anticipating results from a changed lifestyle. But I realized a couple of days after my initial disappointment that I was having unrealistic expectations on myself and the program. It was not reasonable or practical to actually think that I would lose my weight overnight. I didn’t put it on that way and it wouldn’t come off that way. I remember the doctor telling me that she was pleased with my progress. To which I quickly responded, “Well, I’m not.” Outwardly I was polite, but inwardly I was really disappointed. My unrealistic expectations were not producing the unreasonable result I anticipated and frankly it ticked me off. In my disappointment, I was tempted to throw in the towel, forget the whole thing and just continue living my life the way I had been living it. I mean, “Who cares really? We all gotta die of something, right?” Thankfully, I saw pretty quickly that my reasoning was out of line. This is some of the very thinking that has kept me overweight for many years. Would I allow my thinking and beliefs concerning this issue to be changed? What difference would it make for me to press on, push past the hard place and choose wisely regardless of how long it took?
Meanwhile, in a different part of my life I had been feeling as though others had unrealistic expectations on me relationally. I felt like I was expected to act out of their understanding of what loyalty is. I felt like I was not allowed to be imperfect or to react out of hurt. It felt as though others had me on a pedestal that I wished to never have been put on. As a result of feeling this way, I thought “No one understands me”; “I am constantly misunderstood”; “They don’t know the real me”. Out of those beliefs about myself and others, I began to retreat. I pulled the blanket around my heart and withdrew to myself and others that I felt did know me and understand me. I was no longer interested in the fight. It was too hard to fight for healthy relationship with some who I perceived didn’t get it. It became easier to just let them be who they were and I would maintain on my own. A form of self-protection; for what I was really saying was, “I’ll protect myself and not get too close so that you cannot have the power to hurt me.” By not expressing to them how I feel and allowing them the opportunity to see me in a deeper way, I remove the possibility for continued close friendship. I miss out on them and they miss out on me.
In much the same way, my unrealistic expectations of the weight loss program seemed parallel to the relational situation. I needed a different perspective on things. It takes time for someone “morbidly obese” to lose a significant amount of weight and fat percentage. In an imperfect world, we must be willing to accept the reality that something worth having will be hard and difficult at times. Our society has placed Barbie on a pedestal and we often think we have to be loyal to our childhood icon. The worse thing I could do to myself at this point of the weight loss program would be to retreat, self-protect and stop fighting. I chose to press on. I did not give into the “voices in my head”. When I reached the fifth week, I didn’t lose any that week and my whole mindset was different by then for having worked through this issue on unrealistic expectations. I approach the final couple of days of the 6-week journey and my resolve is greater now than 4 weeks ago. It is amazing how my mind has been changed on so many different levels concerning all this. As for the self-protecting on the relational situation I mentioned….well….let’s just say, I am working on it. You pray for me, okay?
Meanwhile, in a different part of my life I had been feeling as though others had unrealistic expectations on me relationally. I felt like I was expected to act out of their understanding of what loyalty is. I felt like I was not allowed to be imperfect or to react out of hurt. It felt as though others had me on a pedestal that I wished to never have been put on. As a result of feeling this way, I thought “No one understands me”; “I am constantly misunderstood”; “They don’t know the real me”. Out of those beliefs about myself and others, I began to retreat. I pulled the blanket around my heart and withdrew to myself and others that I felt did know me and understand me. I was no longer interested in the fight. It was too hard to fight for healthy relationship with some who I perceived didn’t get it. It became easier to just let them be who they were and I would maintain on my own. A form of self-protection; for what I was really saying was, “I’ll protect myself and not get too close so that you cannot have the power to hurt me.” By not expressing to them how I feel and allowing them the opportunity to see me in a deeper way, I remove the possibility for continued close friendship. I miss out on them and they miss out on me.
In much the same way, my unrealistic expectations of the weight loss program seemed parallel to the relational situation. I needed a different perspective on things. It takes time for someone “morbidly obese” to lose a significant amount of weight and fat percentage. In an imperfect world, we must be willing to accept the reality that something worth having will be hard and difficult at times. Our society has placed Barbie on a pedestal and we often think we have to be loyal to our childhood icon. The worse thing I could do to myself at this point of the weight loss program would be to retreat, self-protect and stop fighting. I chose to press on. I did not give into the “voices in my head”. When I reached the fifth week, I didn’t lose any that week and my whole mindset was different by then for having worked through this issue on unrealistic expectations. I approach the final couple of days of the 6-week journey and my resolve is greater now than 4 weeks ago. It is amazing how my mind has been changed on so many different levels concerning all this. As for the self-protecting on the relational situation I mentioned….well….let’s just say, I am working on it. You pray for me, okay?
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Writer's Block
I don't understand why I suffer from this from time to time, but I do. There is still much going through my mind in regard to the Weight Loss Rehab program I am on....as well as some other stuff that has come from a recent study of Psalm 119. So, just wanted those of you that are checking the blog regularly to know that I am still here. I hope to write soon. Thanks for your interest, prayers and patience.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Response to a fellow-struggler
*This post is a response to someone who has been reading my blog and wrote to tell me of her own struggles. I thought it would be helpful to share. *
Yeah…the whole “instant gratification” thing is definitely an American society issue….and I have been saying to a few people that I felt like the things God has been showing me (and that I have been blogging) could actually speak into many areas of our life. The three enemies that I mentioned in one of the posts, are three enemies in life in general, not just weight management issues. I will try to speak back to some of what you said. Not because I am trying to help fix you, rather that I love you and want to dialogue about it and hopefully speak some continued truth. We all need truth….the truth will set us free. (Or it will if we embrace it.)
One: You mentioned your middle school son who is addicted to sugar – bless his pea-picking heart. You gotta love the child, and I do!! But really, I would share with him honestly (like maybe you have already done) about the addiction and help him break it now. Don’t do it in a “this is what I say you’re gonna do” way, but more in a way of partnering with him and loving him through it. Does that make sense? Even share your own struggles (with wisdom, cause he don’t need to hear specifics) and make it like you and he are on this “rehab” together. Tell him anything about me…I don’t care what he knows.
Two: The demon that trails you, trails me. Somehow and for some reason, God has protected me from myself, my own desires and when I am “prone to wander” (which is often), He literally yanks me back in like He’s got me on some strong leash. It startles me at times, but I feel protected by Him incredibly. I honestly attribute a lot of that to the time I spend in Galatians and discipling others in Galatians, cause if I did not have that at my center, and if I were not staying actively in the Word, there is no telling what I would have done or do in regard to that “demon”. I HAVE to have constant re-visitation to the Word of Truth and being in position to teach it keeps me in it and accountable….and I require that to keep me on the path. I think that is one BIG thing that is missing in your life and the one thing that could make a huge difference in your struggles. I’m sorry, but the Unity church you attend from time to time does not have the capability to give you that. I think it is something you could do on your own if you were self-motivated in that direction, so I don’t think you have to get it from a church, per se. But a lot of my growth in the gospel has been as a result of being in a rich, gospel community of believers. I wish there was a “Grace Community Church” there near you….where they use Tim Keller’s materials for classes. But I remember you having the entire Galatians stuff I gave you, leader material and all. If somehow, you could find a way to get into it and really process it, I think you would love it and find that it speaks to everything we go through. I would be glad for you and I to have a time where we talk about just that each week. Maybe the summer is a good time to consider it. I’m just sayin’….
Three: Yeah…the message that you are sending to your "friend" saddens me too. I often wonder what messages my independence sends to John. *Sigh* So….I guess the next question is: What are you going to do about it? What will you change in order for him to feel unconditionally loved? What does God need to work into you before you can even honestly send an unconditional love message? What will it take for you to get to a place where you do not NEED those things from him or any man? Desire, yes. Need??? Well, that is another ballpark altogether, right? (Again, I find the answers to these type questions when I am thick in the Word….and Galatians is just a focal point that keeps me hopping all over Scripture for answers.)
Four: Yes, I think anything we “struggle” with is our painful trial. So, the questions I mentioned in yesterday’s blog are questions we must take time to ask, listen, process, repent and turn in faith again to Jesus when He speaks to them. At least, that is what I think….if true freedom and healing from our addictions is truly what we want most. Honestly, if I continue in the same way that I always have and have the audacity to complain about it, but then am not willing to honestly address my issues and do something about it, I am really saying that I don’t want to change. I want everyone else around me to change but I want to continue to do as I want and get what I want. (Oh…we’ve cycled back around to “self-gratification” again, haven’t we??) It reminds me of the guy at the Pool of Bethesda in John 5. Here is a guy who had been invalid for 38 years. He lied near this Pool that was known to have healing waters for a long time. One day Jesus saw him lying there and asked him an interesting question: Do you want to get well? The dude had some excuses (much like you and me):” I have no one to help me. When I try to go in, someone goes ahead of me.” The story doesn’t end there….but you can read it….but my point is that we all have the same opportunity afforded us to “get well”, but we have to want it bad enough to respond in faith to the call of repentance – change. I guess what I might ask you to consider over the summer is: What are 5 things that need to change in your own personal growth and maturity and discipline? I’m not suggesting you “work that up” in your own strength, because chances are when you think of the 5 things or 2 things or whatever, they will be much like my weight loss issue: HARD, IMPOSSIBLE, NOT REALLY THINKING THAT IS ALL THAT OF A BIG DEAL, etc…The things that are linked to the arrogance, self-reliance, pride and personal weakness.
For me, when I first started thinking about the Lap-Band surgery, it wasn’t because I thought I had an incredible weight issue or because I knew there were some underlying other issues. I was going to have the Lap-Band because I needed to “lose a little weight and it would help my joint pain”. So….one of my painful trials was the stupid insurance company’s policies. And look at what God was doing all along. He set me up. But He set me up to free me far beyond what I had the vision to see. He came alongside me at the Pool of Bethesda, and in so many words said: “Do you want to get well?” His idea of “well” had way much more to do with than just my joint pain. See how small-minded we are? How self-deceived we are? Yeah….you got it right, girlfriend! WE NEED A SAVIOR….a Rescue….and we have ONE!!! So why are we so slow to turn to Him?? In Him is the real Need-Meeter for wanting to be desired, enjoyed and affectionately delighted in. He wants you to have an affair with Him, but a life-long one so that when He “props you up by the great jukebox in the heavens” you will be very comfortable in His presence cause you will have already spent so much time there.
Yeah…the whole “instant gratification” thing is definitely an American society issue….and I have been saying to a few people that I felt like the things God has been showing me (and that I have been blogging) could actually speak into many areas of our life. The three enemies that I mentioned in one of the posts, are three enemies in life in general, not just weight management issues. I will try to speak back to some of what you said. Not because I am trying to help fix you, rather that I love you and want to dialogue about it and hopefully speak some continued truth. We all need truth….the truth will set us free. (Or it will if we embrace it.)
One: You mentioned your middle school son who is addicted to sugar – bless his pea-picking heart. You gotta love the child, and I do!! But really, I would share with him honestly (like maybe you have already done) about the addiction and help him break it now. Don’t do it in a “this is what I say you’re gonna do” way, but more in a way of partnering with him and loving him through it. Does that make sense? Even share your own struggles (with wisdom, cause he don’t need to hear specifics) and make it like you and he are on this “rehab” together. Tell him anything about me…I don’t care what he knows.
Two: The demon that trails you, trails me. Somehow and for some reason, God has protected me from myself, my own desires and when I am “prone to wander” (which is often), He literally yanks me back in like He’s got me on some strong leash. It startles me at times, but I feel protected by Him incredibly. I honestly attribute a lot of that to the time I spend in Galatians and discipling others in Galatians, cause if I did not have that at my center, and if I were not staying actively in the Word, there is no telling what I would have done or do in regard to that “demon”. I HAVE to have constant re-visitation to the Word of Truth and being in position to teach it keeps me in it and accountable….and I require that to keep me on the path. I think that is one BIG thing that is missing in your life and the one thing that could make a huge difference in your struggles. I’m sorry, but the Unity church you attend from time to time does not have the capability to give you that. I think it is something you could do on your own if you were self-motivated in that direction, so I don’t think you have to get it from a church, per se. But a lot of my growth in the gospel has been as a result of being in a rich, gospel community of believers. I wish there was a “Grace Community Church” there near you….where they use Tim Keller’s materials for classes. But I remember you having the entire Galatians stuff I gave you, leader material and all. If somehow, you could find a way to get into it and really process it, I think you would love it and find that it speaks to everything we go through. I would be glad for you and I to have a time where we talk about just that each week. Maybe the summer is a good time to consider it. I’m just sayin’….
Three: Yeah…the message that you are sending to your "friend" saddens me too. I often wonder what messages my independence sends to John. *Sigh* So….I guess the next question is: What are you going to do about it? What will you change in order for him to feel unconditionally loved? What does God need to work into you before you can even honestly send an unconditional love message? What will it take for you to get to a place where you do not NEED those things from him or any man? Desire, yes. Need??? Well, that is another ballpark altogether, right? (Again, I find the answers to these type questions when I am thick in the Word….and Galatians is just a focal point that keeps me hopping all over Scripture for answers.)
Four: Yes, I think anything we “struggle” with is our painful trial. So, the questions I mentioned in yesterday’s blog are questions we must take time to ask, listen, process, repent and turn in faith again to Jesus when He speaks to them. At least, that is what I think….if true freedom and healing from our addictions is truly what we want most. Honestly, if I continue in the same way that I always have and have the audacity to complain about it, but then am not willing to honestly address my issues and do something about it, I am really saying that I don’t want to change. I want everyone else around me to change but I want to continue to do as I want and get what I want. (Oh…we’ve cycled back around to “self-gratification” again, haven’t we??) It reminds me of the guy at the Pool of Bethesda in John 5. Here is a guy who had been invalid for 38 years. He lied near this Pool that was known to have healing waters for a long time. One day Jesus saw him lying there and asked him an interesting question: Do you want to get well? The dude had some excuses (much like you and me):” I have no one to help me. When I try to go in, someone goes ahead of me.” The story doesn’t end there….but you can read it….but my point is that we all have the same opportunity afforded us to “get well”, but we have to want it bad enough to respond in faith to the call of repentance – change. I guess what I might ask you to consider over the summer is: What are 5 things that need to change in your own personal growth and maturity and discipline? I’m not suggesting you “work that up” in your own strength, because chances are when you think of the 5 things or 2 things or whatever, they will be much like my weight loss issue: HARD, IMPOSSIBLE, NOT REALLY THINKING THAT IS ALL THAT OF A BIG DEAL, etc…The things that are linked to the arrogance, self-reliance, pride and personal weakness.
For me, when I first started thinking about the Lap-Band surgery, it wasn’t because I thought I had an incredible weight issue or because I knew there were some underlying other issues. I was going to have the Lap-Band because I needed to “lose a little weight and it would help my joint pain”. So….one of my painful trials was the stupid insurance company’s policies. And look at what God was doing all along. He set me up. But He set me up to free me far beyond what I had the vision to see. He came alongside me at the Pool of Bethesda, and in so many words said: “Do you want to get well?” His idea of “well” had way much more to do with than just my joint pain. See how small-minded we are? How self-deceived we are? Yeah….you got it right, girlfriend! WE NEED A SAVIOR….a Rescue….and we have ONE!!! So why are we so slow to turn to Him?? In Him is the real Need-Meeter for wanting to be desired, enjoyed and affectionately delighted in. He wants you to have an affair with Him, but a life-long one so that when He “props you up by the great jukebox in the heavens” you will be very comfortable in His presence cause you will have already spent so much time there.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Time and Struggle
I’ve been thinking this week about the relationship between time and struggle. I don’t know about you, but when I am struggling my focus seems to go so quickly to “how soon will this be over?” I analyze and try to figure out how to fix the struggle, how to stop the pain and discomfort that usually goes with struggle and I often, if not always, come up frustrated with my failed attempts. I’m a “fixer” and “controller” by nature. It comes so naturally for me and even though I have “died to flesh” spiritually; physically and practically it often doesn’t look like it.
The apostle Peter wrote something startling about this subject: “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice….” (I Pet. 4:12-13a) I know this doesn’t sound like good news…and actually the context here is about suffering because of the name of Christ. That is not often what brings about my sufferings and struggles. Most of the time, I am struggling because of my own sin and self-centered ways. However, I do think we can take something hopeful away from this passage, no matter what our struggle. First, struggles are part of this temporal life. Because of the sin of our forefather, Adam and our subsequent sin, life happens and things break and fall apart. We struggle. I should not be surprised at this reality. It might even be helpful for me to expect it. I’m not talking about being a pessimistic “Eyeore” who looks for negative things around every corner and sulks in self-pity. Rather to realize that suffering and struggles come to all of us and are part of a sinful world that we inhabit. Secondly, we are told to rejoice. “How in the world am I suppose to rejoice when my world is falling apart or when I experience hurt and disappointment and disillusion?” Perhaps this very circumstance that I find myself in today has been tailor-made for me by my Creator. He knows us so well and intimately. He knows what will get our attention and turn our focus to Him. He knows what lies we are currently believing that keep us in bondage when He has freed us and wants us to live free. What difference would it make if I were to ask the following questions of my struggle: “Father, what exactly would You have me rejoice in? What is it that You want me to see and embrace about You in this ordeal? What do You want me to see and acknowledge about myself that needs repentance?” I know from experience that when I hear Him speak back to me out of those type questions, He is faithful to show me things that ultimately I can rejoice in. No, I might never rejoice about the specific struggle and the negative emotions that go with it, but when I can see the bigger picture of what He is doing and what He is wanting to reveal in me, then I have something to rejoice about. In the midst of the struggle, I can say with Job: “Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him.” (Job 13:15 – NIV) Thirdly, I find power in the midst of my struggles when I turn to Him. In 2 Corinthians chapter 4, Paul talks about being “hard-pressed on every side, perplexed, and struck down, always carrying around in our body the death of Jesus” (suffering and struggles). Yet, he also tells why this is so. “..so that His Life may also be revealed in our body…Life is at work in us.” When I cooperate with Life Himself, in my earthen, clay body, I have this all-surpassing power that is from God. I may be hard-pressed on every side, but I am not crushed. I may be perplexed, but I am not in despair. I may even be persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. There is hope in the midst of my greatest struggles. It is a matter of where or Who will I turn.
I choose today, in the midst of my current struggles, to “commit myself to My faithful Creator and continue to do good.” (I Peter 4:19b) He is good, trustworthy and faithful. He adores me and has my best interests at heart. Where else can I go, but to Him?
The apostle Peter wrote something startling about this subject: “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice….” (I Pet. 4:12-13a) I know this doesn’t sound like good news…and actually the context here is about suffering because of the name of Christ. That is not often what brings about my sufferings and struggles. Most of the time, I am struggling because of my own sin and self-centered ways. However, I do think we can take something hopeful away from this passage, no matter what our struggle. First, struggles are part of this temporal life. Because of the sin of our forefather, Adam and our subsequent sin, life happens and things break and fall apart. We struggle. I should not be surprised at this reality. It might even be helpful for me to expect it. I’m not talking about being a pessimistic “Eyeore” who looks for negative things around every corner and sulks in self-pity. Rather to realize that suffering and struggles come to all of us and are part of a sinful world that we inhabit. Secondly, we are told to rejoice. “How in the world am I suppose to rejoice when my world is falling apart or when I experience hurt and disappointment and disillusion?” Perhaps this very circumstance that I find myself in today has been tailor-made for me by my Creator. He knows us so well and intimately. He knows what will get our attention and turn our focus to Him. He knows what lies we are currently believing that keep us in bondage when He has freed us and wants us to live free. What difference would it make if I were to ask the following questions of my struggle: “Father, what exactly would You have me rejoice in? What is it that You want me to see and embrace about You in this ordeal? What do You want me to see and acknowledge about myself that needs repentance?” I know from experience that when I hear Him speak back to me out of those type questions, He is faithful to show me things that ultimately I can rejoice in. No, I might never rejoice about the specific struggle and the negative emotions that go with it, but when I can see the bigger picture of what He is doing and what He is wanting to reveal in me, then I have something to rejoice about. In the midst of the struggle, I can say with Job: “Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him.” (Job 13:15 – NIV) Thirdly, I find power in the midst of my struggles when I turn to Him. In 2 Corinthians chapter 4, Paul talks about being “hard-pressed on every side, perplexed, and struck down, always carrying around in our body the death of Jesus” (suffering and struggles). Yet, he also tells why this is so. “..so that His Life may also be revealed in our body…Life is at work in us.” When I cooperate with Life Himself, in my earthen, clay body, I have this all-surpassing power that is from God. I may be hard-pressed on every side, but I am not crushed. I may be perplexed, but I am not in despair. I may even be persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. There is hope in the midst of my greatest struggles. It is a matter of where or Who will I turn.
I choose today, in the midst of my current struggles, to “commit myself to My faithful Creator and continue to do good.” (I Peter 4:19b) He is good, trustworthy and faithful. He adores me and has my best interests at heart. Where else can I go, but to Him?
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