An Unlikely Pedicure

My name is Viola. I lived a really long time ago and you probably wouldn't even know any of my relatives. I wound up in a very sinful lifestyle and was so engrossed in it with no conscience at all that it was so sinful. I was surrounded by a multitude of others who got caught up in the same thing - looking to lovers to prove my self-worth, acceptance and value. They all used me, got the best of the service I had to freely offer and most of the time I was never compensated financially for my harlotry. I mainly did it because I thought it was just what you did...and everyone around me seemed to be doing it...so I convinced myself that I was right.  Over time, I was very self-righteous about my lifestyle, very arrogant and full of pride.  I was even convinced that Yahweh Himself must have been so proud to have such a loyal soul on a cause. One day I hit a breaking point. All my lovers began to leave me one by one and my world as I knew it crashed all around me. I was devastated and wished to die. I had no idea that a series of events was actually being divinely orchestrated to bring me to the True Lover. This strange Lover began to convince me of His unconditional love and acceptance. I started to sense that there was nothing I could do to pay Him or do for Him or give back to Him.  He accepted none of my bribes. I was so empty, lost and desperate I chose to believe what He was telling me. I followed Him around everywhere He went to teach; always staying at a distance. I always feared what others would think of what I was doing and what my true motives were. This one particular day, I saw him go into a certain man's house who was pretty well-to-do. As I peered in the windows, I could see that his house was immaculate and full of decorative ornaments. There were so many guests milling around, I could barely see the Teacher.  I wondered if I could just sneak in and crawl under the table without being noticed. I was desperate to hear more of what this Lover had to say, but mostly I wanted to thank Him in some way.  I had an old bottle of my finest perfume still tucked into my blouse, just in case I might need it to lure some affection and validation. My bottle represented all that I had come to depend on to get what I desperately needed - validation, approval and value. I can't believe I actually managed to arrange myself inconspicuously under the table right where the Teacher was reclining.  In my desperation, I didn't even notice the man of the house staring at me. I could feel whispers and destructive voices, but I'd often heard those in my mind.  I wasn't sure if they were real or imaginary. Nevertheless, I had to do what I had come to do. I was desperate to show this new Lover my extreme gratitude.  I unplugged the top of my vial of perfume and as soon as the familiar scent rose to my nostrils, the flood of memories of all my previous lovers overtook my emotions. I began to weep uncontrollably. Like incense lifting to the heavens, my pride, arrogance and self-righteousness left me. With extravagance, I let all the expensive perfumed oil pour onto this man's feet. My repentant tears mingled with all my perfumed sin, covering His feet.  Through my tears, I saw the dirt from His day's journey that had encrusted his sandaled feet begin to melt to the floor. My long hair that I had used many times over to charm my previous lovers, I now used as a towel to bathe His feet.  I noticed a new scent wafting through the rich man's house - a fresh, clean scent no longer emitting the old memories.  I lost all concept of time, having bathed both of His dirty feet with my oil, tears and hair.  His remark to the man of the house, hearing Him call someone by name, startled me into reality of where I was and what I was doing. "Simon, I have something to tell you," I heard Him say. It wasn't until then that I realized this man, Simon, had been watching me.  I don't know when I had been caught, but the Lover's voice distracted Simon's stares. I honestly couldn't tell you what happened next. I think I blacked out as the familiar fear of disapproval washed over me so vividly.  How could I get out from under this table? How can I make an escape while He has this guy's attention?  Realizing I had no where to go and no way out of this strange place of worship, I relaxed into the floor wishing it would open up and swallow me. Just then, when I was completely at the point of receiving whatever was going to happen next, I heard the Lover say to me as I felt His love-peirced eyess look right at me: "Your sins are forgiven. I accept your beautiful offering of worship here today. I know that you are full of much gratitude. Your faith has saved you; go in peace.  In that sacred, miraculous moment a peace like I've never known swept completely through me.

(To be continued....)

My Sanctuary on the North Sea

June 17, 2013

The North Sea of Scotland

As far as my vision will allow me, I see midnight blue of ocean waters

And I glance down to the ancient stone I'm sitting upon, hues of brown - 

The sky is a light, but bright blue

The sun is above and yet behind me, warming my back

The white caps of the waves are here, there and over there

Gentle, yet sure, some splashing up stronger than others

Way in the far right distance I can barely make out the sail of a lone boat, almost as if it is part of my imagination

The beach is all but secluded

A pair over there, and another elderly couple back there

But I am all alone, secluded, solitary - and yet engulfed with Great Presence

For She is all around me, encircling me, protecting me, steadying my way with a Sure Foundation beneath me

The Great Spirit swoops down and lifts up again off the waters beyond me in the seagulls

They chirp happy, delightful thoughts and then back out of sight... for now

May the sun continually rain warmth upon my shoulders

May there be fresh and daily wisdom as gentle as the splash of the waves

May I know the depth, the width and the vastness of Love that is expressed in the blue ocean

May I learn to trust like the graceful, effortless glide of the egret, landing safely to the next place on life's journey

May I find strength and stability undergirding me like the remains of an ancient castle, refusing to give up

On this solitary journey, may I find comfort in the Great Presence surrounding me. 

Another couple dared to venture near me...sitting on the stones to my right...I didn't like it that they entered into my private ocean view. I like being here alone. The winds seems to have picked up a bit...I'm feeling a little chilly, even though the sun is still warming my back. I could be here for hours and hours. I never tire of this view, this scene, this smell of salt and fresh, clear air. 

The blue is striking. It's not turquoise, but it is a lovely blue. Oh I look to my far left and out closer to the water sit two fishermen on the stones. I don't mind them. They are far enough away and not watching me, judging me, accessing my presence here. They can stay on my beach. Yes, that is it. It is MY beach...or at least it feels like it is mine. I have never been on such an isolated beach. I am so use to colourful beach umbrellas and a long line of beach chairs full of chatty people.  Too many people. This is more right for me. Quiet except for the music of the waves and the occasional chirp of a passing seagull.  Even the few people here are quiet, almost as if this is a reverent sanctuary awaiting a silent worship service.  This was just for me this past hour on my beach on the North Sea. Here I don't have to listen to another or offer insight and counsel. Here nothing is expected of me or from me - I get to simply receive; take it in, bask in it, breathe it in. Breathe it. Breathe. Receive. Be refreshed for the journey. Allow new vision and creativity to be wakened within me. 

Thank You, Abba. Thank You, Lover of my soul. 

Encountering the Divine in Glasgow

Encountering the Divine in Glasgow
June 10, 2013 - Monday

I'm in the city of Glasgow, Scotland. My intention was to have a day of solitary reflection and usually I seek quiet, contemplative places for that. However, I chose instead to start my day with a tour of the Kelvingrove Art Museum. I had not taken into account that perhaps there might be dozens and dozens of school-aged, chatty children on field trips. Even the cafe was chatty when I stopped for a cup of tea. Then there was the one server who whisked about back and forth in such a hurry, never quite picking her feet up so as to create this annoying sole-sliding sound across the floor. "Pick your feet up when you walk, Child", I wanted to say, but didn't.  I just connected my headphones to my cell phone and listened to some piano music to try to gain the ambiance I wished for.  After my tour, my soup lunch and tea, I decided to walk across the street to the "quiet park". Surely I could find a quiet spot there...only to discover more happy squeals and playing on the tall slide from the children.  When I finally sat down on a bench under a canopy of green leaves, the song of birds and the slight distant chime of church bells filled my ears. I read my Lectio Divina Scripture found in St. John's gospel and began to reflect on the scene he was describing. Still distracted, I decided I needed to find a wi-fi spot, have a glass of wine and sit with my classical music playing in my ears.  So, I walked...and walked...found the wi-fi spot and another cup of tea (no wine here). There in a different way I was able to hear God's voice speak through John's gospel. All the busyness and noise and chaos of our lives chatters on... much like my day today. But in every place I saw evidence of God's presence all around me. Even though I was alone, walking through the parks and trees and streets of Glasgow, I was not alone. Reflecting on Jesus' question "what are you seeking?" revealed that I was finding the very thing I was seeking, by simply following His lead. The words of the following song speak to how the disciples may have been feeling when Jesus asked them, "what are you seeking?" and then told them, "come, and you will see."

"Lord, I'm tired, so tired from walking, and Lord, I'm so alone. Lord, the dark is creeping in, it's creeping up to swallow me, I think I'll stop and rest here awhile. *This is all that I can say right now. This is all that I can give. This is all that I can say right now; this is all that I can give. That's my everything.* Lord, did You see me crying; oh and did You hear me call Your name? And wasn't it You I gave my heart to? Wish You'd remember where You set it down... This is all that I can say right now. (I know it's not much) This is all that I can give. This is all that I can say right now; this is all that I can give. That's my everything.  Didn't notice You were standing here...didn't know that that was You holding me...didn't notice You were crying too...I didn't know that that was You washing my feet. *  (David Crowder Band)

Often when I feel that God is distant, uninterested and not coming through for me, it is then that in reality He is right there in the midst of what I am going through. He is standing right there with me, holding me, crying with me and even caring for me, washing my feet.  Jesus is in the streets of Glasgow while at the same time in SC and even in the streets of Raleigh, NC.  So then I imagined John and two of his disciples standing on the corner of one of these streets here in Glasgow. Andrew was one of them. All of a sudden as a Man passed by them on the sidewalk, John spoke to them telling them Who that was: "Behold, the Lamb of God." So when they heard John say that, they took off following Jesus.  Sensing someone following Him, Jesus turns around and asks, "what are you seeking?" They called Him Rabbi (which means Teacher), which implies to me that they wanted to learn from Him. So they expressed their desire....named their desire in His presence with the following question, which answers His question: "Where are You staying?"  In other words, we want to learn from You, we want to go where You stay and spend time with You. I believe He knew their heart, read their minds, knew their desire, as if He had been the One who had given them that desire and so He answers their desire with: "Come and you will see."  So they came, they stayed and they stayed all day. Afterwards, they (or at least Andrew) were so impacted, Andrew found his brother Simon and brought him to Jesus saying, "we have found who we've all been looking for."  And Jesus took one look at Simon and re-named him Cephas (which means Peter).  Jesus is always right here with us. He is always the One comforting...holding us...even when we don't notice it is Him. He cries with us when we cry...when we hurt....when we're tired. He is always with us, in us, for us. He is the Great Foot-washer.

Thank You for hearing my desire, Abba. Thank You for this solitary day. I feel as though You and I have walked through Glasgow together today. I've loved being with You.  In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Journey of Rhythm

Journals of Scotland

May 30, 2013

Arrived in Scotland at 2am my time. Very tired, but thrilled to see Sandi. After seeing her flat and having a cup of tea and a "wee" chaat, I went straight to the shower and & dived into bed. Slept for several hours. My ears/sinuses were so stopped up I could barely hear a thing when I lay down, but when I awoke, all was well and I felt refreshed. We ended up watching Ms. Potter, the movie about Beatrix Potter. What a great way to start this journey. Right after Ms. Potter was told they would reluctantly publish her book, not thinking much would ever come of it, she said to Peter Rabbit: "Well, we can't stay home all our lives. We must look at it as an adventure!" That's exactly how I feel. :)

May 31, 2013

Getting into a new rhythm doesn't just happen; I'm discovering you must participate.

I was almost frantic when I first arrived to get my phone situated to receive iMessages properly so I could stay in touch with everything at home as usual. In doing so, I realised I was not able to be fully "here".  The time change, the UK instead of the US, trying to not skip a beat between here and home....or rather, not coming out of one rhythm into another. It was like Sandi was having to wait for me to still "get here", even though physically I was here. Of course my body was slow to change rhythms, having to sleep for several hours before I could even think straight. Something deeper was calling me to participate into going into a new rhythm. Fortunately I noticed sooner than later what I was doing - and mentally, consciously I had to "come into" UK time. Sandi prepared us a dinner, we chatted and watched the Beatrix Potter movie (all trying to keep me awake) so that I could force myself to move on into this new rhythm. ANd then - I slept! All night! The sun came pouring in beneath the red window shade and it was 8:30am, UK time. To be fully present to the moment in time that God has me is the invitation. I can't try to keep one leg "back home" with all my involvements there. I must pull both legs over the fence to this present moment and fully engage in participation with what Father is doing.  Sandi and I are together on this "journey of rhythm" and I want us to get all of the "get" there is to be got from whatever Father has planned for us. Ok, UK time, I'm here now! Like Beatrix Potter said to Peter Rabbit: "We can't stay home all our lives. We must look at it as an adventure!"

Could you imagine being Joseph?

Could you imagine…..

Just the other day a good friend of mine witnessed the miracle of watching his newborn baby coming into the world. He told me it refreshed his perspective all over again on life and the amazing complexity of the birth of a baby. I have a picture of the baby just hours old. So, as I began reading through the first few chapters of Matthew, I can’t help but imagine the earthly father of the Messiah. Here we have the introduction of the King of kings being brought into the world and a simple, young man chosen to protect Him and His mother at all costs. Four different times in the first couple of chapters, we are told that Joseph was instructed by the Lord through dreams as to what to do next. Imagine this young girl, giving birth to the King, the Messiah and wrapping Him in His little blanket, nursing him. Imagine her young husband, Joseph, waking up from yet another dream and saying, “Uh….Mary….we gotta go again!” How was this guy so tuned in to the voice of the Lord? How did he know to drop everything he was doing and obey the voice of the Lord? Did he ever question? Did he get frustrated when his life was disrupted by another instructional dream? Did he ever wonder how he got in this predicament? Did he realize somewhere deep inside that he was part of a divine plan of redemption for the world? I mean, talk about moving around a lot? In less than two years, they had moved from Bethlehem, to Egypt, to Israel and finally settled in Nazareth of Galilee. How could he establish a job to support his young family with all that moving and re-settling? I wonder if he ever actually felt settled. I imagine his thoughts at times might have been, “I am so tired and need to get some sleep, but Lord, have mercy! What might you reveal to me in my dreams tonight?” I realize the culture of that day was quite different from the culture I exist in, but reading and pondering over this account has just caused me to really think about how attached I am to stability and routine and convenience. Let one thing throw a wrench in my routine and comfort and stability and I get all worked up. I want to be more like Joseph in his openness to the voice of the Lord. His willingness to follow and obey regardless of how unsettling it was is such an inspiration. His determination to protect his young wife and child even though it meant leaving behind whatever he may have started in way of a job. Their best interest was at the forefront of his mind, instead of meeting his own needs. After every dream, the Scripture says: “…and he did as the angel of the Lord commanded him.” I love how he chose to protect his young wife and her child regardless of how it changed any plans he may have had. His willingness to lay aside his own agenda to have his own needs met in exchange for what was in her best interest exemplifies his humility and security.

In looking back over the key, repeated thoughts I noticed how Matthew described Joseph from the start: “…being a righteous man…” The Greek describes righteous as one approved and accepted by God; one whose way of thinking, feeling and acting is wholly conformed to the will of God. Lord, help me to remember who I am in You: righteous, accepted and already approved. I do not have to try to acquire acceptance from someone else when I already have Yours. Help me to remember that as I live out of Your acceptance of me, I can lay aside my own agendas and humbly treat others in a way that has their best interests at heart. I can trust You to meet my needs and lead me in the way You would have me to go. Thank You for giving us models of Your righteousness like Joseph. Amen.

Does it have to be enjoyable to be good?

July 21, 2010

I’m tired and at this precise moment, actually feeling strong homesickness. Our time is drawing to a close and it is good. The whole experience has been good. Not always comfortable or enjoyable, but good. Sometimes when you are being stretched and challenged you don’t feel as though it is a good time. Especially when friends and family back home are asking the infamous question, “Are you having fun?” Trying to figure out how to answer that question is similar to knowing how to respond when the computer at Curves makes this statement: “Hope you enjoyed your workout.” Okay…so do they have to use THAT word? Anyway, my point is that something doesn’t have to be enjoyable or fun for it to be good. We still have a few other things that we are determined yet to do before our flight home. Tomorrow we are going to the British Museum, escorted by a former Muslim who is now a follower of Jesus and works alongside some of the World Harvest missionaries. Last week he was invited to participate in a debate against another Muslim and there were approximately 400 people in attendance. Most were there to side with the Islamic beliefs but there was a remnant of Christians in the mix. Anyway, this guy is going to go with us to the British Museum and give some knowledgeable information about what is on display. We are looking forward to that and feel like his participation in it will make it a lot more beneficial than just seeing what is there. We also want to try to locate a particular tea shop that we were told about. It is in the Covent Garden area, so we will try to navigate ourselves around to that spot. On Friday, it is our plan to see the Windsor Castle, be there in time to view the “changing of the guards” and also have our final Afternoon Tea experience at a place that some locals recommended. We may finish our final time here by having dinner with some of the World Harvest missionaries before packing our bags and getting a good night’s sleep at Joel’s before flying out on Saturday morning.

I know many of you have been following the photos and comments on Facebook and you have probably wanted more notes like this one. However, it just isn’t easy to take the time to write out my thoughts and post them. The timing of how our life is scheduled while here, the non-consistent access to internet, the time it takes to process just what you are thinking, feeling and experiencing all makes it difficult to give family, friends and supporters back home a good picture of what an experience like this is really like. Thanks for your interest. Thanks for your support in so many ways: financial, emotional, prayer, thoughts, etc. All of your support is felt strongly by the team and we really appreciate it. Whenever you hear a missionary say that they could not do this without you, it is true. Whenever a missionary tells you that you are here with us, that too is true. So, in reality we are all missionaries. Some of us go, while others stay home. But in whatever way you are supporting a missionary, it is vital and we share a common bond. Let me just make this one final note about support. If you had wanted to support any one of us on this team and just let it slip your mind and feel like it is too late, it is not too late. The expenses are much higher here than any other place I have personally been, so please feel free to share in whatever way God leads you. Grace Community Church is still accepting support monies for this mission and they are handling all of that for us. (The address is: 495 Cardinal Road, Mills River, NC 28759.)

We will be scheduling a time to share our experience for those of you who really are interested in hearing more details. We will be informing you of the date, time and place. Continue to cover us in your prayers.

Sunday in India

Sunday, February 07, 2010

I think it is Sunday….or is it Saturday?? I honestly have no clue. But I guess it doesn’t really matter, does it? The team has been quite busy between teaching the conference and visiting the children’s home. There really are two separate opportunities for ministry to happen for us here. The children love it when we show up where they are. The first time we met them, they were brought to the local KFC for dinner. We were there already waiting for them. As they all filed in, their faces were gleaming. Beautiful, intelligent and respectful faces. They were so happy. Dr. Anjuli Nayak has created this home for them, each one representing a family where both parents have died. This particular children’s home only accepts “true orphans” and apparently a child left with no living parents is what that means. There are a total of thirty three of them . We brought them each a new pair of shoes, games, books, movies, clothes and jelly beans.

The Galatians conference began on Friday morning with approximately 200 Indian pastors and students from villages as far as 100 miles away. Their enthusiasm and charisma was refreshing. To watch them soak in the teaching of the Scriptures all day long amazed me. Often in the U.S. we think an hour and a half long class is the maximum anyone could expect us to sit through. These men and women studied for hours, took a lunch break, and came back for more teaching the rest of the afternoon and into early evening. By the time we finish this conference tomorrow afternoon, we will have worked our way through the entire book of Galatians. Then on Wednesday, we fly off to Varanasi for the second conference. We have been told by numerous local people that Varanasi is a very “religious” place. By this, they mean it is over 70% Hindu and the rest mostly Muslim. There are over 200,000 idols in the city and it is the location of the Ganges River where people go to die. They believe if they die there, they go straight to heaven. So, we go to this place on Wednesday of next week to begin sessions on Thursday.

Getting to a place where we could access the internet has been impossible. Between the locations we are staying in and our crazy schedule, it just couldn’t happen for us. Right now, I have one hour of internet access which I was finally able to acquire, but I am so sleepy, I am not sure how much I will get done. All in all, it has been a good trip. There is so much to tell but not the time right now to write it all down. I am taking pictures on my phone and trying to post some of them on Facebook. It seems my phone can take me to that sight as well as bring in my emails. Other than that, my phone is useless.

Once again, trust has been the biggest challenge for me. Trusting Jesus that He has a reason for my being here in this place for such a time as this, trusting His provision, and trusting Him to speak through me to the ones I am teaching. Today was my first time to teach here and God came through as He always does. I had so much fun interacting with God’s people here. I am exhausted tonight, but it is a good exhaustion. I’ll write more later.

(By the way, living here gives a whole new meaning to the expression “Holy Cow!”)

Fly Day

I am at Kathy Bearce's home in Alpharetta, GA where I spent the night last evening. Our escort will pick us up at 1:30PM to take us to the airport. So....today is "fly day". Yes, I am nervous, but also excited. My family asked me at dinner the other evening what I was nervous about. I didn't have to think long to answer. For me, the uncertainty of it all; not knowing what to expect, what to do, how to respond to circumstances and surroundings. I am such an "atmosphere" person that I am often most challenged in that realm. From the very early stages of agreeing to go on this trip all the way to "leaving day", my ability to trust has been the ultimate test for me. Trusting for financial provision, trusting myself with a group of people I do not know, trusting myself to participate in an assignment in a third world country, trusting myself in this new test of my weight loss journey. The strong call to trust "not knowing where", reminds me of Abraham. In Genesis 12, the Lord told Abram to "leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you." A few verses later, the Scripture tells us his response: "So Abram left as the Lord had told him." I can relate. I really believe God invited me to participate in this adventure and sent me out. So, I left and here I am getting ready to check my bags, go through customs and board that big silver bird. My trust is ultimately in the One who is sending me. I know that He is a protective and caring Father that gives good gifts to His children. While I am nervous, I also feel taken care of. As I choose to rest in that, it allows me to focus my mind and thoughts on the purpose for which I am going. Watch this....the passage in Genesis says it clearly and says it in my own vernacular; "....and you will be a blessing." I love that!!! I say that all the time..."just trying to be a blessing." So right here as God is promising Abram all that He promises, He also lets his servant know how He will cause him to be a blessing to others. How cool is that? I know there is much more in these verses about significant things, but that is what jumped out to me in my circumstances today. I know that I will be greatly blessed by this experience....and in turn will be a blessing to others. That is encouraging and a good perspective to have as I take a deep breath, center down, relax....and know that "you will be a blessing". Thanks God for such sweet words in my own accent.

Chocolate Cake Batter in India

These are some children from an orphanage in India where I will be visiting in just a couple of weeks. They had been learning to bake a cake in this picture and doing the very thing I love to do when I bake a cake: lick the bowl and enjoy the batter! Yum! Maybe we will relate to each other after all. It seems the enjoyment of cake batter is universal and cross-cultural, so perhaps my personal story about how much God loves to lavish His extravagant forgiveness and mercy to me will travel across the ocean and reach the hearts of these precious Indian people. As I reflect today on my upcoming trip, I find my heart is anxious about several things. Finances...but then what's new about that? Cross-cultural relevance...but then whose responsibility is that really? Will I like the food or should I take my own? Will my senses be so much on overload that I want to scream and rush back to the airport to go home? Isn't it funny how quick we are to fret and fear? I don't want to give in to those common, natural emotions though. I don't want that to be the main focus of my attention. I want to say with Abraham in Genesis 22, "Here am I." And I want to trust in the provision of my Provider. I want to be excited about the awesome opportunity and experience this trip promises to be. I want to give in to the whole thing; to embrace whatever is in store for me and the others with spontaneity and adventure. I just want to move among a different people for a couple of weeks and see where God is at work there. I know He is. His love and delight isn't just American. His mercy and faithfulness is cross-cultural and universal. Open my eyes, broaden my view and perspective beyond my own little bubble of a world. There is a great big world out there....and there is more going on it than my concern of whether my weight maintenance is on schedule or not. (More on that in the next post, as I know that several of my blog followers are curious about where things stand in regard to my weight loss journey.)

What If?

What if you made the wrong decision that affected another person’s life? I mean, really affected that person’s life? What if he really wasn’t the one and he was sentenced to 90 years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit? What if you were one of the ones responsible for that wrong verdict? I have been told (and told others), “It is never a good idea to do the whole ‘what if’ thing.” But still…..it is human nature to question and doubt. In the midst of these kinds of overwhelmingly mixed emotions, it is so easy to gravitate toward food as comfort or distraction. I feel like this week has been the biggest test I have experienced since the beginning of my weight loss journey. I would have never thought of myself as one who ate for comfort. But I know it is true. Actually, I think we all do. But this is my story….not everyone else’s right now. So, yesterday after the final moments in court, I drove into a familiar Zaxby’s. And yes, I ordered the homemade potato chips, extra crispy with light seasoning: all 800 calories of them. I ate about one third of them and was disappointed. They were not extra crispy and they left me without comfort. I realized I didn’t even like them. I couldn’t wait to get the remains out of my car. I continued to drive and drive….and wound up at a place I have recently come to enjoy in downtown Asheville. (I know….big surprise….most of my friends and family know that downtown Asheville is one of my least favored spots.) However, as I parked in the garage and made my way up the street through the doorway to “the place to sip, snack and relax”, it became apparent what truly comforted me. I ordered a chicken salad and a Lavendar Pear Martini. And I sipped, snacked and relaxed. It was good for the soul. It wasn’t the potato chips that successfully comforted. Neither was it the chicken salad or the martini. Rather, the space and atmosphere that surrounded and enveloped me gave me that sense of retreat and calm that I was craving in my chaotic mind. Earlier that morning, in another parking garage…outside the courthouse…I opened my Bible to a familiar passage from Isaiah. It read, “Behold my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen, in whom my soul delights; I have put My Spirit upon Him; He will bring forth justice to the nations. He will not cry aloud or lift up His voice, or make it heard in the streets; a bruised reed (poor and needy) He will not break, and a faintly burning wick (representing someone close to losing faith and hope) He will not quench; He will faithfully bring forth justice. He will not grow faint or be discouraged till He has established justice in the earth; and the coastlands wait for His law.” There is no need in my “what if-ing”. He will establish justice. The Prince of Peace will bring forth and establish justice – His way and in His time. I might as well not cave into false guilt, emotion or doubt. I don’t need to “feed” those negative, harmful enemies. They leave me dissatisfied and hungry every time. I can turn, in faith, once again even if it is just a minute amount of faith and He will not quench my small flicker of a flame of hope. I can trust that He will see me through. What if the Servant of the Most High God redeems even a wrong verdict with His sure justice? Just what if?

Mr. Lamb

When my nephew, Levi, was born I took Mr. Lamb to the hospital. The soft, cuddly stuffed animal that played the tune Jesus Loves Me, quickly became his favored possession. Everywhere Levi went, Mr. Lamb was sure to go. Today he is worn and ragged and not so clung to anymore, but this comfortable “security blanket” has done the job he was meant to do. I thought about Mr. Lamb this morning in terms of my weight issue. Being overweight and gravitating toward certain foods is much like clinging to Mr. Lamb. Webster’s defines comfort this way: to soothe, console or reassure; a feeling of relief or consolation; a state of ease and satisfaction; something that promotes such a state. Anytime Levi was going to spend the night at Grandma and Papa’s it always brought a state of ease or comfort as long as Mr. Lamb went too. Whenever the cuddly animal was left at home, we had to make a u-turn and go back to get him. Being overweight becomes a state in which you feel comfortable. You come to accept yourself as the size you are. You cannot imagine you any other way. My weight had become in part, my security blanket. Eating certain foods brought emotional satisfaction. Without realizing it, I subconsciously turned to certain foods for relief, for comfort. Macaroni and cheese, potato chips, all kinds of yummy breads and CAKE! Homemade pound cake, chocolate cake, Mama Jean’s strawberry cake, cupcakes and the list goes on. Oh! And Krispy Kreme doughnuts called my name especially if the “hot sign” was on. When I would have a good Aloette show or a Bible study would be especially encouraging, I rewarded that sense of accomplishment with a hot, glazed doughnut on the way home. Or if I had a yucky Aloette show or the Bible study left me feeling like nothing I said made sense to anyone, I found comfort in stopping for the doughnut or the McDonald’s French fries.

The comfort I found was a substitute – no, a counterfeit. It masqueraded as relief and satisfaction when in reality it was very deceptive. I ended up obese at potential risk of multiple health problems. The extra weight on my joints produced the first of my health risks. Addicted to an eating lifestyle that was crippling me as well as holding me back from doing some enjoyable things, I finally realized that I needed to make some changes. Yes, I needed to watch what I ate and lose some weight. But more importantly than that, I needed to see that an underlying issue was in looking deeply into why I was overweight. Seeing that I turn to food for comfort instead of seeking the Comforter was a bigger heart issue. At first I had to simply refuse myself the things that I had learned to crave. As I have said before, I had to agree to go into “rehab” and break the habits I had formed. In that process, I also began to acknowledge the unhealthy reasons and motivations for looking to food. Could I exchange the counterfeit of food as comfort for the real Source of comfort and reassurance? Once I saw how ridiculous the counterfeit was, it changed my mind and my heart.

“All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, He brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of His healing comfort…we had hard times….it was so bad we didn’t think we were going to make it. We thought it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally – not a bad idea since He’s the God who raises the dead! And He did it, rescued us from certain doom. And He’ll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-10 – The Message)

Living Life Freely & Lightly

August 28, 2009

Well….August is almost over and I haven’t written here the whole month. I’m sorry. All is well….it has just been a busy month. At the end of July, we celebrated Luke’s 21st birthday. Then I went to the beach for a week with 3 awesome friends. When I returned, we dived in to planning Elizabeth’s birthday celebration. Now, the fall teaching schedule starts with me serving on two round tables and time has just flown past me without my permission. However, I have had some things on my mind.

While at the beach, I decided to continue my workout routine at the local Curves. That is one of the benefits of that particular gym; when you are a member of one, you’re a member of all. One morning one of the girls vacationing with me mentioned how impressive that was that I would do that. I did thank her for her kind words, but then responded, “You know, that is one of our mentalities that is not good. We tend to think when we are on vacation, we should do whatever we want which usually includes indulging ourselves with food that we wouldn’t normally have.” My previous thought pattern has been similar to the one our society has around holidays too. But what I realize is actually happening in me is a new way of thinking….a whole new lifestyle of eating patterns that continue no matter where you are or what season of the year it is. For me, I really have learned to ask myself why I am wanting “this or that”? Am I really hungry? Is this the best choice for me right now? How much is it costing me? Of course, I mean “how many calories is it costing me”? I have started a new motivation to that concept by putting dollar marks in front of the number of calories a particular food is. For example: those infamous Zaxby’s homemade potato chips…they are $800. Now, would it make any sense for me to actually spend $800 on potato chips? Would I really do that? Of course not! That is absurd! So, why would I spend 800 of my 800 calorie a day allowance on them?? I mean, even if I were going to have 1000-1200 calories a day, would it be a wise expense? Not to mention the other questions that now go through my head – “How much protein is there in the chips?” “How long will they satisfy me before my body will need something else…something better for me”? Once I process all that…and it usually doesn’t even take me longer than about a minute, I realize I don’t really even want them anymore. Most likely I never WANTED them….I just CRAVED them…and use to indulge with no thought whatsoever. Remember?? “I was not mindful of what I ate or what it cost me.” It is amazing to me how my heart and mind has really been changed from the inside out on this issue. I am still sticking to between 800-1000 calories a day, with most days being between 800-870. I work out regularly at Curves and progressing daily on each machine, burning an average of 375 calories a workout. I feel great. I have dropped 2-3 full sizes in my clothes. I walk up and down stairs like I am suppose to with one foot in front of the other. While at the beach, we stayed in a third floor condo and I only used the elevator the first night we got there to haul our luggage up. After that, I used the stairs every time we came or went. For Elizabeth’s birthday, she requested that we rent costumes from the flapper era of the 1920’s to wear to the musical Chicago. Had I not lost my weight and dropped these clothes sizes, I could have never done that with her. The reason I am listing all these things is because I realized something significant: these are all things I could not do freely 3 months ago. When I celebrated my birthday in March, I avoided all stairs like the plaque and gravitated to the elevator or moving stairs. I parked as close to the store as I could possibly get and would drive around the parking lot until a close space opened up. When I would get up from my seat at the theatre at the end of a movie and begin to make my way down the stairs, I never put one foot in front of the other….rather I placed my right foot on the step and then the right foot again and so on. I walked like an older person. I never wanted to go on walks. Now, I am searching the internet for local waterfalls to walk to. I want to rent a bicycle to ride. While I don’t “enjoy” working out at Curves, I do feel better after having spent my time there…and feel like I am missing something in my day if I don’t go. Who is this new Cynthia? Where did the other girl go? I am still me, but my mind and heart has been changed in regard to food, health, exercise and you know what is even way cooler than all that? My hope is renewed. My faith is strengthened. My belief in God who cares about everything that concerns me is firmer than ever. The goal is no longer the goal. The number on the scale is not my focus. Living life freely and lightly is my focus. I feel lighter….and I don’t just mean physically. God is so good. He has done this…and I cannot take the credit or glory.

What If The Desired Goal Does Not Happen?

I gained a half a pound this week. Now I know that is not much to speak of….however, that means I did not lose any this week. Uh oh….see…that is not good. So of course, as you can imagine, I started obsessing the “whys” and “hows” of how this could happen. Let me digress a moment from the point of this post to clue some curious ones in to some specifics that I have yet to share in this blog. I started on this journey on May 20, 2009. Since that date, I have lost 26 lbs. I am far from the place the doctor wants to see me get to, but I am well on my way and I have been pleased with the results so far. While it has not been easy, it is working and I encourage anyone to let yourself give in to a program like this for at least 8 weeks and I think you will see a “turn” take place that makes it a bit easier.

However, as I was starting to say….be careful of what your real desired goal is. As I was driving home from my Curves workout today, the question hit me, “What if the desired goal never happens?” I mean, I hate to be so morbid sounding (but since I am morbidly obese still, I guess I can sound morbid. L I know…that was a really bad pun) but several years ago my dear friend, Brenda Briggs joined Weight Watcher’s in an effort to take off quite a few pounds, which she was successful in doing. Less than a year later, she suddenly died of a brain tumor. I often thought, “She did all that work and lost all that weight for nothing. She was going to die an early death anyway. She could have just continued to enjoy her eating habits.” So, although I agree with my doctor that I do need to be very concerned about my health and even give it high priority right now, even that cannot be my goal. I could desire to be a size 10 again so I can try on my wedding dress and actually fit into it, but it better not be my goal. The magic number on the scale that I “should” weigh cannot be my goal. To look great in a size 8 pair of jeans by my 50th birthday would not be a wise goal. To be able to look myself in the mirror naked and hear myself honestly say, “Wow! I really do look not only fabulous, but desirable!” is still not a goal that would be good for me to have. By now, you are probably thinking that I am crazy. I admit, it sounds unnatural, other-worldly or something so unreachable that people might disregard this post altogether. But try to hear me out…these are just some of the things that I think God may have placed in my mind and heart. At best, it is my story….for me….and you can do with it what you want.

Whatever is our “goal” can lure us into a contest that God never meant for us to compete in. If any of the above ideas become my focus, it will cause me to be driven, obsessive, discouraged and will ultimately set me up to fail even if I “win the contest”. In a book I am reading the author said this about dieting: Dieting often backfires by setting us up for a lifetime of yo-yo weight gains and losses.” (Weight of Grace; Paula Neall Coleman) Without addressing the heart issues that lie underneath the weight problem to start with, this “yo-yo” sabotage is sure to happen. I can already see it playing out that way as I obsess over the number on the scale. It would go something like this: I set a goal. Let’s say for example, my goal is to get my weight down to 140 lbs and that my joints would no longer throb and ache. Good, healthy, realistic goal, right? So I set out on this path and make some good head-way (losing 26 pounds) and all of a sudden instead of losing some more this week, I gain a half a pound. On top of that, my right leg’s joints have throbbed a little more than usual. So I think to myself, “Oh my gosh! This is not good! I thought I was supposed to lose at least 2-3 pounds a week! I thought my joints would be healed by now or at best, feeling a lot better than 10 weeks ago! I gotta step up the pace here…I’ve gotta really be more careful about testing the waters with something other than shakes and bars. I gotta make sure I don’t miss going to Curves not for one day. I think I’ll have some sunflower seeds…oops…better just have a handful instead of a quarter of an ounce.” Driven, obsessing all about the contest I have going on with myself. Yet, that certain number on the scale can be so appealing. It draws me in like a magnet. Before I know it, I am trapped in this crazy dieting frenzy. Then, if I do end up reaching the “goal”, I will be driven to keep the goal in place. If I miss the “goal”, I will be discouraged and possibly even give up or be resentful. The whole thing cannot be about “contest”.

Do I really want to lose weight and see my health be at a better place in my latter years? Of course I do. Is that bad? No, I don’t think so at all. By now, I actually believe God Himself has put that desire, commitment and determination in my heart. However, none of that can be my “goal” if I expect to continue living a lifestyle change of making wiser, healthier choices for myself. But what if I give in to the process of looking at my heart issues that are beneath all of my unhealthy way of making choices? Proverbs says, “For as he thinks within himself, so he is.” (Proverbs 23:7) Out of the heart springs forth how we act, respond and behave. Our heart is revealed in and by what we do whether outward or in secret. Remember the first week that I met with Dr. Sarmiento? She said something that exposed my heart; “You are not mindful of what you eat or what it costs you health-wise.” Oh, I remember…it stung like a razor. It cut deep and past the chase and resonated as truth. I was convicted. There was no where to squirm or hide after that exposure. The only wise response was for me to decide what I was going to do with this new revelation. That part of my heart that is not completely yielded perfectly to the reality of my risen identity in Jesus still has some growing and conforming to do. “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son.” (Romans 8:28-29)
If I make “being mindful of what I eat” my “goal” or desired result, it changes the whole dynamic. It motivates me from within instead of from a “try-harder” mentality. When I gain a half a pound (or 10), learning to be mindful can become my friend and lead me to see where I can make a better choice tomorrow. Being mindful can cause me to think on the things that God deems important instead of my superficial insignificances. Being mindful can free me from the vicious trap of focusing on the scale, the figure, the clothes size, etc. Being mindful can be my first step of looking intently at the heart and desiring for it to reflect the glory of Jesus more than the glory of myself. That is a noble goal…and it is a desired result that He will see to it happens! It was His idea, by the way.

Sh-- ....I mean, Life happens!!

Do you realize that we live in a fallen world? One where sin, failure, disappointment, unmet expectations, hurt, stress and frustration actually happens on a daily basis? Even though I am completely aware of this reality, I often am surprised when these things crop into my day, my relationships and my life. You can always tell by the way I respond to these maladies. When my response is, “Oh shit! Can you believe this is happening to me?” I find myself almost wanting to put the bumper sticker “shit happens” on my car. (Not sure it would be a very nice testimony, but it would express how I feel at times.) But you know, really what happens is….LIFE! Life happens. We live in a fallen world where things break and fall apart; financially, relationally, physically, etc. None of us are exempt from it. There is no vaccine to avoid it. Even my surprise that I experience is part of my humanity.

Today I am reminded that we have been created for something bigger….bigger than ourselves, bigger than our realities and bigger than what is happening around me right now. Jesus spoke of it in the gospel of John when He announced His purpose for stooping to our humanity: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10 – ESV) What if we were to express “LIFE HAPPENS!” when we feel like expressing the expletive? What difference would it make in mine and your experiences of daily life if we were to acknowledge that whatever is coming our way today is for a grander purpose than we presently realize?

In my struggle to press on through this difficult and challenging weight loss program, I get side-tracked and distracted mentally and emotionally. I see my glaring issues and the issues of others around me and think about how much I am entitled to this or that. I make the present struggle the main thing, when God’s bigger purpose for which He created me for is the real main thing. When I give in to the enemy’s myriad voices that attempt to lure me, I lose the ability to experience the abundance that Jesus has for me in His Life. He is Life personified….and He is promising that in the midst of all that the thief wants to steal from me, He will give His abundant provision of Life to me. Once again, my focus is off. My perspective needs changing back to the One who gives a true perspective regardless of whatever situation we may find ourselves in. What we are going through is not the end of the world. It may hurt. It may be very painful and difficult. We may think we cannot bear much more or much longer. But the King of the kingdom of which we were created for is in control. He is Life….and He gives Life abundantly. He will see us through….and He will pursue making us into His original, intended design that makes us fit for His kingdom work. I decided sometime today that I really do want to cooperate with what He is doing in the bigger scheme of things. I know that I will have to be reminded of this choice and probably re-affirm it over and over, but that is because I am part of a fallen world where LIFE HAPPENS!

Pressing on through difficulty

I don’t feel very strong today at all. Actually, this whole week has been a difficult one and I’m quite aware of my weakness. I think I come across as someone who is strong and has it all together. One who rarely struggles, but looks like she is always on top of whatever life is handing her. However, this is one week when I could have truly benefitted from someone stronger than me, someone intuitive and courageous enough to come alongside me in my struggle. I know that the Someone I really need is always there for me. His strength is perfected in my weakness, the Scripture says. Yet, today I am not even sensing His comfort. It’s not His fault, because in reality it is there….I am just looking for it elsewhere.

For the first time in the seven weeks I have been on this Weight Loss Program, I am finding myself with feelings of resentment. I walk into my own house and the aroma of the barbeque chicken is amazing. Oh my gosh! I find myself wishing I hadn’t come home. You see, the doctor strongly suggested on Wednesday that I go through another
6-week round of phase one. This means I continue on the 800 calories per day to include protein shakes and bars. Just when I thought I would add a “real meal” to each day, I am encouraged to go another 6 weeks without. I actually agree that it is the best route to take at this time. Therefore, I consented to it. However, the reality of the need for that has sunk in. Thus the resentment; toward myself and toward others who are not on the program with me. Especially the ones who need to be (in my perception) and who claim they are “watching their diet” too. If you are really not interested in doing something about your weight, then at least be honest and say so. Don’t pretend you are, don’t pretend you are losing weight too while eating crazy amounts of calories around me while I am limited to shakes and bars. I want to scream these thoughts to some around me, but of course, I don’t. My surroundings are affecting my resolve, this I admit. I also am honestly resentful of myself and for the years of not being mindful of what and how I eat. I have caused injury to my own health and now I must do something about that. So, I resent the fact that I have had such a cavalier attitude about it until now. I have no one to blame but myself. I can project the blame elsewhere and it is certainly convenient to do that with those closest to me, but it is not the answer. This I realize.

So…where do I go with this? First of all, I recognize the hard facts that it is going to take time, discipline and hard work to get healthy. Secondly, I assume responsibility for that task only upon myself. I cannot expect anyone else to “go the journey” with me. This is a very personal and private journey and I must go it alone. In that respect, others around me do have to eat. (Or so they think they do.) So, I will have to push past the arousing temptations that lure me. Stay focused on my own decision. Stand firm in my own freedom and not give in, no matter how much my cravings and desires tug at me. Direct my attention elsewhere; reading a book, knit on one of my endless unfinished projects, start a new project like the sewing class, study for the Bible study class, go for a walk, go to a movie, call a friend, etc. Even being willing to admit, “This is really, really hard….and emotionally painful.” Learning to let others be where they are while I am where I am is a lifelong lesson. Just when I think I am doing pretty good at this, there seems to be a new season or circumstance to challenge me and grow me further in this practice of grace. I need to remember to give myself some grace too in this. I have failed myself and my Creator and yet His mercy, grace and forgiveness is ever upon me. He has forgiven me, He is forgiving me and He will forgive me. His mercy is new every morning. Great is His faithfulness, even when I have been faithless. I turn now to Him and choose in this moment to allow His comfort to wash over me. “I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward – to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back. So let’s keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision – you’ll see it yet! Now that we’re on the right track, let’s stay on it.”
(Philippians 3:12-16 – The Message)

Unrealistic Expectations

I think it was my second week into the “Rehab program” when I only lost one pound. To me, that was totally unacceptable. Some of my thoughts ran something like this: “No way! I’m not going to change my lifestyle this drastically to only get THIS result! This is not fair.” What I was really saying was, “I expect to lose the same amount every week that I lost the first week. I expect for this to not be so hard. I expect for this to not take so long.” There is nothing wrong with me anticipating results from a changed lifestyle. But I realized a couple of days after my initial disappointment that I was having unrealistic expectations on myself and the program. It was not reasonable or practical to actually think that I would lose my weight overnight. I didn’t put it on that way and it wouldn’t come off that way. I remember the doctor telling me that she was pleased with my progress. To which I quickly responded, “Well, I’m not.” Outwardly I was polite, but inwardly I was really disappointed. My unrealistic expectations were not producing the unreasonable result I anticipated and frankly it ticked me off. In my disappointment, I was tempted to throw in the towel, forget the whole thing and just continue living my life the way I had been living it. I mean, “Who cares really? We all gotta die of something, right?” Thankfully, I saw pretty quickly that my reasoning was out of line. This is some of the very thinking that has kept me overweight for many years. Would I allow my thinking and beliefs concerning this issue to be changed? What difference would it make for me to press on, push past the hard place and choose wisely regardless of how long it took?

Meanwhile, in a different part of my life I had been feeling as though others had unrealistic expectations on me relationally. I felt like I was expected to act out of their understanding of what loyalty is. I felt like I was not allowed to be imperfect or to react out of hurt. It felt as though others had me on a pedestal that I wished to never have been put on. As a result of feeling this way, I thought “No one understands me”; “I am constantly misunderstood”; “They don’t know the real me”. Out of those beliefs about myself and others, I began to retreat. I pulled the blanket around my heart and withdrew to myself and others that I felt did know me and understand me. I was no longer interested in the fight. It was too hard to fight for healthy relationship with some who I perceived didn’t get it. It became easier to just let them be who they were and I would maintain on my own. A form of self-protection; for what I was really saying was, “I’ll protect myself and not get too close so that you cannot have the power to hurt me.” By not expressing to them how I feel and allowing them the opportunity to see me in a deeper way, I remove the possibility for continued close friendship. I miss out on them and they miss out on me.

In much the same way, my unrealistic expectations of the weight loss program seemed parallel to the relational situation. I needed a different perspective on things. It takes time for someone “morbidly obese” to lose a significant amount of weight and fat percentage. In an imperfect world, we must be willing to accept the reality that something worth having will be hard and difficult at times. Our society has placed Barbie on a pedestal and we often think we have to be loyal to our childhood icon. The worse thing I could do to myself at this point of the weight loss program would be to retreat, self-protect and stop fighting. I chose to press on. I did not give into the “voices in my head”. When I reached the fifth week, I didn’t lose any that week and my whole mindset was different by then for having worked through this issue on unrealistic expectations. I approach the final couple of days of the 6-week journey and my resolve is greater now than 4 weeks ago. It is amazing how my mind has been changed on so many different levels concerning all this. As for the self-protecting on the relational situation I mentioned….well….let’s just say, I am working on it. You pray for me, okay?

Writer's Block

I don't understand why I suffer from this from time to time, but I do. There is still much going through my mind in regard to the Weight Loss Rehab program I am on....as well as some other stuff that has come from a recent study of Psalm 119. So, just wanted those of you that are checking the blog regularly to know that I am still here. I hope to write soon. Thanks for your interest, prayers and patience.

Response to a fellow-struggler

*This post is a response to someone who has been reading my blog and wrote to tell me of her own struggles. I thought it would be helpful to share. *

Yeah…the whole “instant gratification” thing is definitely an American society issue….and I have been saying to a few people that I felt like the things God has been showing me (and that I have been blogging) could actually speak into many areas of our life. The three enemies that I mentioned in one of the posts, are three enemies in life in general, not just weight management issues. I will try to speak back to some of what you said. Not because I am trying to help fix you, rather that I love you and want to dialogue about it and hopefully speak some continued truth. We all need truth….the truth will set us free. (Or it will if we embrace it.)

One: You mentioned your middle school son who is addicted to sugar – bless his pea-picking heart. You gotta love the child, and I do!! But really, I would share with him honestly (like maybe you have already done) about the addiction and help him break it now. Don’t do it in a “this is what I say you’re gonna do” way, but more in a way of partnering with him and loving him through it. Does that make sense? Even share your own struggles (with wisdom, cause he don’t need to hear specifics) and make it like you and he are on this “rehab” together. Tell him anything about me…I don’t care what he knows.

Two: The demon that trails you, trails me. Somehow and for some reason, God has protected me from myself, my own desires and when I am “prone to wander” (which is often), He literally yanks me back in like He’s got me on some strong leash. It startles me at times, but I feel protected by Him incredibly. I honestly attribute a lot of that to the time I spend in Galatians and discipling others in Galatians, cause if I did not have that at my center, and if I were not staying actively in the Word, there is no telling what I would have done or do in regard to that “demon”. I HAVE to have constant re-visitation to the Word of Truth and being in position to teach it keeps me in it and accountable….and I require that to keep me on the path. I think that is one BIG thing that is missing in your life and the one thing that could make a huge difference in your struggles. I’m sorry, but the Unity church you attend from time to time does not have the capability to give you that. I think it is something you could do on your own if you were self-motivated in that direction, so I don’t think you have to get it from a church, per se. But a lot of my growth in the gospel has been as a result of being in a rich, gospel community of believers. I wish there was a “Grace Community Church” there near you….where they use Tim Keller’s materials for classes. But I remember you having the entire Galatians stuff I gave you, leader material and all. If somehow, you could find a way to get into it and really process it, I think you would love it and find that it speaks to everything we go through. I would be glad for you and I to have a time where we talk about just that each week. Maybe the summer is a good time to consider it. I’m just sayin’….

Three: Yeah…the message that you are sending to your "friend" saddens me too. I often wonder what messages my independence sends to John. *Sigh* So….I guess the next question is: What are you going to do about it? What will you change in order for him to feel unconditionally loved? What does God need to work into you before you can even honestly send an unconditional love message? What will it take for you to get to a place where you do not NEED those things from him or any man? Desire, yes. Need??? Well, that is another ballpark altogether, right? (Again, I find the answers to these type questions when I am thick in the Word….and Galatians is just a focal point that keeps me hopping all over Scripture for answers.)

Four: Yes, I think anything we “struggle” with is our painful trial. So, the questions I mentioned in yesterday’s blog are questions we must take time to ask, listen, process, repent and turn in faith again to Jesus when He speaks to them. At least, that is what I think….if true freedom and healing from our addictions is truly what we want most. Honestly, if I continue in the same way that I always have and have the audacity to complain about it, but then am not willing to honestly address my issues and do something about it, I am really saying that I don’t want to change. I want everyone else around me to change but I want to continue to do as I want and get what I want. (Oh…we’ve cycled back around to “self-gratification” again, haven’t we??) It reminds me of the guy at the Pool of Bethesda in John 5. Here is a guy who had been invalid for 38 years. He lied near this Pool that was known to have healing waters for a long time. One day Jesus saw him lying there and asked him an interesting question: Do you want to get well? The dude had some excuses (much like you and me):” I have no one to help me. When I try to go in, someone goes ahead of me.” The story doesn’t end there….but you can read it….but my point is that we all have the same opportunity afforded us to “get well”, but we have to want it bad enough to respond in faith to the call of repentance – change. I guess what I might ask you to consider over the summer is: What are 5 things that need to change in your own personal growth and maturity and discipline? I’m not suggesting you “work that up” in your own strength, because chances are when you think of the 5 things or 2 things or whatever, they will be much like my weight loss issue: HARD, IMPOSSIBLE, NOT REALLY THINKING THAT IS ALL THAT OF A BIG DEAL, etc…The things that are linked to the arrogance, self-reliance, pride and personal weakness.
For me, when I first started thinking about the Lap-Band surgery, it wasn’t because I thought I had an incredible weight issue or because I knew there were some underlying other issues. I was going to have the Lap-Band because I needed to “lose a little weight and it would help my joint pain”. So….one of my painful trials was the stupid insurance company’s policies. And look at what God was doing all along. He set me up. But He set me up to free me far beyond what I had the vision to see. He came alongside me at the Pool of Bethesda, and in so many words said: “Do you want to get well?” His idea of “well” had way much more to do with than just my joint pain. See how small-minded we are? How self-deceived we are? Yeah….you got it right, girlfriend! WE NEED A SAVIOR….a Rescue….and we have ONE!!! So why are we so slow to turn to Him?? In Him is the real Need-Meeter for wanting to be desired, enjoyed and affectionately delighted in. He wants you to have an affair with Him, but a life-long one so that when He “props you up by the great jukebox in the heavens” you will be very comfortable in His presence cause you will have already spent so much time there.

Time and Struggle

I’ve been thinking this week about the relationship between time and struggle. I don’t know about you, but when I am struggling my focus seems to go so quickly to “how soon will this be over?” I analyze and try to figure out how to fix the struggle, how to stop the pain and discomfort that usually goes with struggle and I often, if not always, come up frustrated with my failed attempts. I’m a “fixer” and “controller” by nature. It comes so naturally for me and even though I have “died to flesh” spiritually; physically and practically it often doesn’t look like it.

The apostle Peter wrote something startling about this subject: “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice….” (I Pet. 4:12-13a) I know this doesn’t sound like good news…and actually the context here is about suffering because of the name of Christ. That is not often what brings about my sufferings and struggles. Most of the time, I am struggling because of my own sin and self-centered ways. However, I do think we can take something hopeful away from this passage, no matter what our struggle. First, struggles are part of this temporal life. Because of the sin of our forefather, Adam and our subsequent sin, life happens and things break and fall apart. We struggle. I should not be surprised at this reality. It might even be helpful for me to expect it. I’m not talking about being a pessimistic “Eyeore” who looks for negative things around every corner and sulks in self-pity. Rather to realize that suffering and struggles come to all of us and are part of a sinful world that we inhabit. Secondly, we are told to rejoice. “How in the world am I suppose to rejoice when my world is falling apart or when I experience hurt and disappointment and disillusion?” Perhaps this very circumstance that I find myself in today has been tailor-made for me by my Creator. He knows us so well and intimately. He knows what will get our attention and turn our focus to Him. He knows what lies we are currently believing that keep us in bondage when He has freed us and wants us to live free. What difference would it make if I were to ask the following questions of my struggle: “Father, what exactly would You have me rejoice in? What is it that You want me to see and embrace about You in this ordeal? What do You want me to see and acknowledge about myself that needs repentance?” I know from experience that when I hear Him speak back to me out of those type questions, He is faithful to show me things that ultimately I can rejoice in. No, I might never rejoice about the specific struggle and the negative emotions that go with it, but when I can see the bigger picture of what He is doing and what He is wanting to reveal in me, then I have something to rejoice about. In the midst of the struggle, I can say with Job: “Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him.” (Job 13:15 – NIV) Thirdly, I find power in the midst of my struggles when I turn to Him. In 2 Corinthians chapter 4, Paul talks about being “hard-pressed on every side, perplexed, and struck down, always carrying around in our body the death of Jesus” (suffering and struggles). Yet, he also tells why this is so. “..so that His Life may also be revealed in our body…Life is at work in us.” When I cooperate with Life Himself, in my earthen, clay body, I have this all-surpassing power that is from God. I may be hard-pressed on every side, but I am not crushed. I may be perplexed, but I am not in despair. I may even be persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. There is hope in the midst of my greatest struggles. It is a matter of where or Who will I turn.

I choose today, in the midst of my current struggles, to “commit myself to My faithful Creator and continue to do good.” (I Peter 4:19b) He is good, trustworthy and faithful. He adores me and has my best interests at heart. Where else can I go, but to Him?

I've Got Issues!

I’m sure there are many people in my life that would have loved to tell me that I use my “spirituality” to cope. However, I have met someone who apparently has nothing to lose by telling me that. There were two main questions in my Weight Loss homework for this week.

1) List your three most important values (and I was to choose from a list they gave me).
2) List four obstacles that always stand in your way and prevent you from keeping weight off.

Little did I realize what all would come out of answering these two questions. On the first question, my health was certainly not on top priority of values. To which the doctor asked me, “So without your health…or if you are in a hospital because of poor health, how will you be of any value to the three things you listed?” It was a good point she was making. To which, I had nothing to say.

As for the four obstacles, I will share them with you and see if you can relate:

1) Feeling that I am being deprived of what I want
2) Justifying an indulgence and making excuses for doing so
3) Once I plateau, discouragement sets in and I convince myself “this is ridiculous; I’m not going to continue this”
4) Comfort foods to compensate for a loss

So, here I am being honest and transparent with the doctor and nurse (as well as you) and she says to me, “So, you are self-indulgent and you rationalize. You need to continue to delay gratification and even make sacrifices. If you go into a Third World country, there you will find true deprivation, malnutrition and poverty. You live in the ‘land of plenty’ and that is one of the problems of obesity. You are experiencing withdrawal from the food that you have habitually comforted yourself with. This is an addiction and it takes time to break habits and addictions. This is why the 6-week rehab of ‘resting your stomach’”. Yeah….that’s another thing she told me. Much like we need a vacation from our daily stresses and time to rest and allow the mind to rest, so does our stomach need a vacation. So , I am to continue on without indulging in foods I want and crave and give my stomach a vacation. (Have you ever heard of such a thing?) But, I am telling you as I was sitting there, looking her square in the eye, it made so much sense. She brings her chair right up close to me, looks over my homework and then begins to speak very boldly into my life. She is not afraid to do so and is not concerned with hurting my feelings. She is an amazing lady and I respect her. At one point, I gave her the indication that I knew better what I needed. She smiled and never lost eye contact. You know what her smile was asking? “Are you going to let me be the doctor?” And to her smile, I answered, “If that is what you think I need, I will do what you tell me.” You just know when you are in that kind of position to simply bow in submission and say, “Yes ma’am.”

Another thing that was very interesting to me. They asked me to think of what I most crave right now and then tell them how that food relates to my childhood. Do I remember having that often as a child? Did I never get that as a child? Was having that food as a child related to a special memory or occasion that I found enjoyable? So, as I thought about the question, I realized that we never had chips and salty type snacks available to us as children. I asked my Mom to confirm this to me and she said it just was not something they purchased and had in the house. What is happening is that emotionally I want/crave that which I could never have growing up. I want to self-indulge and satisfy that craving now as an adult. I learned at some point to comfort myself with that particular type of food once I could control what I could have.

So as you can probably see, today was another one of those “heavy processing” days for me. I will continue to process and think about these things because I know that it is helpful for me to do so. I went away with the resolve to continue on. Push through the craving and temptation times; continue to delay gratification; remember that it is the children in Africa and other Third World countries that are truly deprived. All of this is such a mental exercise. As Joan of Arc said, “All battles are first won or lost in the mind.” It really makes a difference to have someone who knows what they are talking about to speak boldly into your life. Today I just need to stay focused. Stay on track. Keep peddling. Even though all this sounds like “doing” and “working”, which is so against what I teach about grace and resting, I realize that actually this is cooperating with the truth of what I already know to be true of who I am in Christ. So, I will continue to cooperate and be a participant in this miracle.